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June 15, 2019 6:44 pm  #1

Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

Hi, This is my first post to the group.

I've been divorced from my closeted ex for 2 yrs He passed away a year ago. It was a relief, but he left behind a trail of wreckage.

. It was a very difficult marriage with abuse on his end. It must have been pent-up rage from living as a straight man. He came from a strict religious background from the South. I believe he married me so his family wouldn't disown him.

It's taken me all this time to deal with the abuse part. That was very difficult. I thought I was done but now I'm in grief mode over his lies about being straight.

More pain about being constantly rejected in the bedroom and put down for my personality, the way I talked and the way I looked. I was never feminine enough or pretty enough.

When I met him I thought he was gay. I should have listened to my intuition. 

I found out by accident that he had a gay hookup.  I did some snooping on his phone and laptop. There was more evidence of others. He denied it all and got mad at me for snooping. I was the problem yet again.

I thought the pain would be over once the divorce was done. It wasn't. I thought once he passed away, it would be easier. It's not. It's like it worse now than when he was alive and we were living our sham of a marriage. I feel really bad right now. I feel so stupid for being duped by this guy.  I'm getting therapy but it doesn't erase the pain.

I just wanted a normal husband and family. I got cheated.


Last edited by MJM017 (June 15, 2019 10:23 pm)


June 15, 2019 11:08 pm  #2

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

You did get cheated but it sure wasn't your fault! I can feel how sad you are through your post. Please don't give up! Whatever he blameshifted onto you belongs squarely right back on him. Bury that with him. He owns that. It's not yours to carry. The work of healing is hard. But you can do it. You are doing it already. One step at a time.

If you're going to be the witch that ruined everything? Make what you ruin be his plan to destroy your life. You wreck that completely! Give that a*hole the middle finger by being happy! Even if it's just for spite until you forget he was ever anything but a bad memory. Don't let him take anything else from you.


June 16, 2019 6:28 am  #3

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

Hi there. I know it won't make the pain go away but I have been going through the same. I am also new here. I found out 2 weeks ago. My husband fell asleep in the livingroom with his phone on, I walked through and saw a pic of 2 men kissing and slid the phone out of his hand. I then realised it was grinder and he was looking for right now sex with older guys and Asians. I just froze. Like a kick in the guts. He too, has been physically and mentally abusive through our whole relationship. I've been told if I was a real women he wouldn't do what he does. I ask for it, if I was tidier, spoke less, showered more as i "stink", i.e wasn't me, it wouldn't happen. We have no kids. I always wanted a family but he would never have sex with me, too tired. "Look at you, who would want to fuck that?". I'm a total mess just now. Zero self esteemconfidence and think i really am the biggest idiot in the world and he picked me as i was a total fool.

When I confronted him he totally denied it, even though I saw all his messages and told me I just was snooping and he's entitled to a private life. He told me he was recording the conversation and was going to call the police on me. He came at me telling me I just want to be attacked so I can get him into trouble.
He told me early on in our relationship he was bi when I caught him watching gay porn. Said it so normally that I just thought it must be me with the problem. It meant nothing. In fact everything has always just been me. Nothing I've ever done was right. I was such an idiot but I honestly thought if he's gay he just wouldn't be with me surely, it's all me, my head, I'm just being crazy. 13 years later, no intimacy, zero rwlationship, living with pretty much a housemate whose always screaming at me and telling me how crap am It's been awful. I still live with him. I moved to other side of world as he was homesick for NZ but left all my friends and family and now have no support or anyone I can talk to. Have no idea what I'm going to do. At least I have my dog! How sad is that. It's the only thing I have in my life but I can't rent anywhere with my dog so I might have to leave him behind. I have no children as he robbed me off that chance so my dog is like my child. I know people think that's stupid but if they'd walked in my shoes they'd realise my dog has been my guardian angel through all this. Your so not alone


June 16, 2019 9:09 am  #4

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

    Sometimes you can't fully process the abuse until the abuser dies.  This is because it doesn't feel safe to do so; living with abuse keeps you hyper-vigilant, and to let down to process grief renders you vulnerable.  So please do not let yourself believe that you are somehow failing to heal on schedule.  Regardless of what even well--meaning people might tell you, there is no schedule, only your own individual circumstance.
  My father abused me as a child; it wasn't until he killed himself, when I was 40, that I was fully able to process what he had done to me--or even say he'd done it (and what he did); I used to put it in the vaguer terms of "what happened to me."--and agood friend of mine, someone who wished me well, told me as long as I was through grieving in six months I had nothing to worry about.  Well, it took 10 years before I felt that I had finally come to terms with what he'd done and what it had meant to my life.  
   As OnMyOwnTwoFeet says about Chump Lady in the thread under "General," sexual betrayal strikes at our very foundations, and the daily life of living with the particular behaviors engendered by the lie being perpetrated and protected strikes at our very foundations. Two years after divorce, and one year after death, seems to me, at least, a very raw time.  


June 16, 2019 9:17 am  #5

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

   It's not you.  It's him.  It's all on him.  The daily devaluing, rejection, blame-shifting, and other forms of abuse you have suffered  have taken their toll on you until you feel you have to apologize for loving the dog that has been your only comfort, and the only creature in your household who has returned your love. 
   You are not an idiot.  In fact, your belief that he wouldn't be with you if he was gay was a completely normal and rational conclusion to reach.  The problem here is that he isn't normal, and when you're dealing with the disordered thought process of the closet-warped personality of a self-hating gay person in denial, normal codes of logic and reason don't apply.  
   You have been conditioned by his daily assaults to blame yourself.  It is a self-affirming and healthy impulse for you to post here, to have a place to tell your story and reveal your pain. 


June 16, 2019 10:40 am  #6

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything


Its all not they made us feel about ourselves.  Hang out here for a while and you will see kind, empathetic and nice people ...   We are worth more than these spouses can ever comprehend..
Acknowledge the strong fierce love you gave  ...  but walk on.   You only need to go through the devaluing and abuse once..     Seek out kind and  people and know that you are so much more than what happened to you...


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

June 17, 2019 12:25 pm  #7

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

Whirligig wrote:

If you're going to be the witch that ruined everything? Make what you ruin be his plan to destroy your life. You wreck that completely! Give that a*hole the middle finger by being happy! Even if it's just for spite until you forget he was ever anything but a bad memory. Don't let him take anything else from you.

Heh heh.  Just hadda see this again.

Maybe I should tattoo this on my body, somewhere I can easily see it.


June 17, 2019 3:58 pm  #8

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

Thank you all for your warm welcome and wonderful, supportive words.   It's helped to read and re-read your posts.

He could have lied to his conservative family who were 3000 miles away. He could have said he was a life-long bachelor and hid his life style from them easily. 

They didn't like to fly. They never visited us in fact.  We flew to see them once a year for a painful, horrible week. 

6 months into the marriage he stopped having interest in me and blamed being sexually abused for it. I paid for expensive psychiatrists for him for years. The improvement was always around the corner but never arrived. No sex the whole time.

A few new suppressed memories would pop up when it looked like I would fly the coop. I believe his sexual abuse story was a lie. The only symptom of this was his lack of interest of me.

I'm really, really angry at this con artist. Why take your cr@p out at me? i didn't deserve it.


Last edited by MJM017 (June 17, 2019 7:01 pm)

     Thread Starter

June 17, 2019 4:13 pm  #9

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

MJM017 and others...
I’m finding the archive posts on chump lady very helpful in managing that anger of being deceived.  Whether they cheated before they came out or not it is the personality of a cheater. Seeing the common personality traits, responses, and behaviors of a cheater on Chump Lady is making it easier to get to ‘meh’ in the interchanges I have with my ex and to set boundaries.



June 17, 2019 4:34 pm  #10

Re: Hey, I'm The Witch Who Ruined Everything

Thanks, Straight Dad. That stuff is good at chump lady.

The fake husband passed away. It's a relief I don't have to deal with him or kids.  Anger is ok too right now for me.

He never came out of the closet officially. He got caught and denied.

He was an abuser too - a very angry, scary person. He was chaming Charlie to everyone else.

I hope to move on with finding other people to love who will be honest, decent human beings and straight. I am pretty sure I will never be meh with what this con artist did.  If he was alive and we had kids in common, I'd have to be polite and professional. That I do understand.

Last edited by MJM017 (June 17, 2019 4:36 pm)

     Thread Starter

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