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1 of 1- Destroyed70
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So I posted the other day about my husband coming out. I want to lay the whole story out and see what everybody thinks. About two years ago my husband confided in me that he was sexually abused as a child from the ages of seven to eight by his babysitter. At the time I of course offered support, I held him while he cried and I asked him if he had ever mention this to anybody else? I am the only one,to this day,that he confided in. I told him that he should get some help and maybe talk to someone. Time went on,nothing really changed in our relationship, I asked him a couple questions,he avoided the topic, didn’t wanna talk about it,always wanted to put on the back burner. So the other night when he told me that he was gay I said why now? why are you telling me now, what’s changed? He said he didn’t know... maybe telling me about the abuse, maybe because for so many years he’s hated himself. Never really liked his childhood. My mother in law did her best but ended up marrying my husbands step dad(which is really the only dad he knows) they had my sister in law and his father showed blatant favoritism to the his biological daughter. She divorced him when my husband got older and could start to notice the favoritisms. I asked him how he knows he’s gay. Of course, he said how do you know your straight? He cried for hours, more then me even! He does not want this life but has hated himself for so long he finally told me because he thinks he can be better to me and the girls if he liked himself more. He says that I’m his person and can’t image us not being together and raising our kids. I asked him if he was attracted to men and he said sometimes and then I asked if he was attracted to women and he said sometimes. He commented that “hell, maybe I’m bi, who knows”... the thing is he doesn’t want things to change. He loves our girls and they are actually really close to their Dad. He is an awesome father and has always been very good to me. To good sometimes maybe that’s why this is so hard. Last night he came home from work shaking and in tears and said that he just had a really tough day and didn’t want to be the way he is. He has started counseling and told me that they are starting with the abuse first. I’m still very angry and I need answers but feel this could take years. I asked him if he has acted on any of his thoughts and he said no, I asked him if I needed to get tested and he said absolutely not. I guess I don’t really know what I’m looking for. My heart breaks that he’s never liked himself, hated his childhood etc. I just want answers. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on and I’ve learned that there is by far more stuff out there for the gay community. I don’t think either one of use will be okay for a while but it truly pisses me off that when all is said and done that he will find HIS peace and a new partner and I’m just left picking up my life. I’m sorry but the fucking first rainbow shirt or car freshener I see hanging from a rear view mirror and I will lose it all over again. #sorrynotsorry,
- lily
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what changed, you asked him, why tell me now and the first thing he does is mention the childhood abuse. oh no. I am sorry but that doesn't add up. What we generally find is that the timing is caused by a romantic attachment to another man. When he is crying and saying he hates himself, well that is likely to be caused by the romance not going well.
sorry, but my suggestion is a bit of snooping and a visit to the doctor.
all the best, Lily
- Destroyed70
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The abuse was brought up 2 years ago, telling me he’s was gay came out Friday (6/7). Not that it matters.. I guess. Just searching, still new to this. Is that REALLY how it works? They all have partners already? Am I really that naïve/stupid?
Last edited by Destroyed70 (June 14, 2019 6:23 pm)
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Thread Starter- lily
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well, my guess would be that when he first brought up the abuse, that he was interested in a man back then. Perhaps if you think back you might see clues? do you have a friend you can trust to talk to, particularly who knows him - that would help a lot.
- Whirligig
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You don't have to be sorry here. This whole month is really hard for a lot of us. About the only rainbows I can stand anymore are the real ones because there's no agenda in those.
It's not impossible that your husband is being truthful. Experiences vary but sadly deception seems to be the norm here and one lie makes it easier for all the rest to the point of denial. He sounds like he's unable to wear the mask anymore. Who he actually is behind it is anyone's guess. There do tend to be reasons why they choose to disclose though. A love interest is one of them. A life change like a death, birth, or job change are others. Some never come to terms with it. My experience was that someone else 'outed' them. We don't talk about it. I just try to avoid interaction as much as possible now. I still like them. I resent that I wasn't told the truth. I feel stuck. I loved this person and now there's no where for that love to go.
Lily gives some good advice as far as testing and the rest. You have to start thinking of you now. It's hard. My experience was short term and not nearly involved as most here but it's still a battle to detach, not love, and not want to help...and then the rage kicks in for the wasted time and the lies and games, shortly followed by the grief for the loss of the person as you thought they were and of the life you thought you might have. And then it starts all over. I'm so sorry. There are others who can offer more in terms of experience with this and ultimately you make your own decisions but you aren't alone here and it really does help to have somewhere to get it out without feeling like someone is going to shut you down for being triggered by a rainbow bumper sticker.
- StrongerThanIKnew
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But Dee, when all is said and done, you will have a new life and perhaps a new partner who can love you as you truly deserve to be loved. I know it is hard to imagine now, but it is a real possibility.
As to the rest..... him being in counseling is a really good thing. If he has a good counselor, he will be able to sort through those feelings and come to accept who he really is. I know. Goody for him, but what about me, right? Well, you should definitely find a therapist as well. You need to sort out and process all that has happened, but you also need help sorting out what kind of future you want and what you are and are not willing to accept going forward. But be forewarned..... many therapists out there focus on just getting the straight spouse to accept their partners orientation and how the straights can help their partner. You need a therapist who will focus on YOU and what YOU are going through.
There is life after TGT - many people here can testify to that. And kudos to them for staying here and posting and letting us know that. Many others no longer post here because they have moved on with their lives. And we will all get past this too.
Keep posting and keep making yourself a priority. Your spouse is an adult and he needs to work through this himself. While he is working on him, you work on you.
- Rob
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Destroyed70,
".. I don’t think either one of use will be okay for a while but it truly pisses me off that when all is said and done that he will find HIS peace and a new partner and I’m just left picking up my life. .."
Yes, I think the anger you feel is how you now need to pick up your life and , sadly and usually, many of these spouses have moved on already. They are usually indifferent and oblivious to the hurt, trauma, and turmoil they cause.
But pick up your life you must. small baby steps. The time frame is whatever you can manage and whatever you need to do...
But I will say this. My life now after TGT is good. Yes it sucks having the kids part time.. but I live a life of non-drama now and I surround myself with kind, honest people. Its like a different world and I thank God every day for getting me away from such a horrible and sick person. I thank God for giving me the
later part of my life to experience real kindness, peace and love.
And I will add this.. Every time I see my GX and anytime my kids briefly mention anything about her... she does not seem happy...all is not happy in gayland. It may seem like he will find his peace and I hope they all do... but do not think for a second that their lives are all rainbows and unicorns.
Pick up and walk forward. tiny steps if you can, large if you can,, but always forward.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7