I've been told by a couple of people to...rip that bandaid off.

It's all well and good to say that when it's not your skin that will be torn

The bi thing is really hard. My husband now identifies—privately, to me—as bisexual.  Not gay.

I have read waaaaaaay too much this past year, and I have thought about this in my own relationship way too much.  But based on my reading, and my thinking, and my own experience (which is not universal) these are the salient points:

—What is most important here is if this relationship works for you.  Are you happy?  Is there a happy path forward?  What does that mean to you?
—I do think bisexuality is a real thing, not necessarily pretend or fake. 
—However, I strongly believe that bisexuality IS OFTEN claimed by partners who really are gay or lesbian, as a way to suggest to the straight spouse to stay.  And often, as a way for a GID spouse or a now-aware gay spouse to reconcile within themselves the discord they feel—they want same sex for emotional and sexual connection, but they are married to opposite sex and have had sex with opposite sex.
—Some authors on bisexuality say we should not define by “attractions” but by “actions.”  My husband is really holding onto this.  He may want men, and he has looked and yearned in many ways since his earliest yearnings.  But his actions have been mostly with me.
—in my husband’s case, he was NOT forthcoming with me.  I found out by accident.  He was ONLY looking for men for sex.  He was not honest with me at all.  And even since telling me he has told me “ everything” I learn more about what he has not told me, and these things show more and more how hungry he has been for men for his entire 12-plus life.
—some researchers I read suggested that when the spouse really is bisexual, this can actually create a more intimate partnership with the straight partner, because gender differences that straight/straight couples face are not as much of barriers in a straight/bi partnership.
—MONOGAMY is important—if it is important to you.  Sexuality might be on a scale, and monogamy might be on a scale.  Can your husband be monogamous, and can he be happy being monogamous? Will you be enough for him?   
—the fact that he is looking at gay porn is a concern regarding “are you enough.”  Maybe you are enough for him.  Maybe not.  This is where yiu have to figure out if yiu feel confident.
—I would say, if you were not asking him at all, and one day he happened to say, “honey I am bisexual,” that would be a sign of trouble, because why would he tell you this unless he wanted yiu to be open to him exploring it in some way?  If he was bisexual but truly happy being monogamous with a woman (you), then why even tell you?
—if you were not asking him, and he was looking a lot for men, and he was rejecting you and cruel to yiu and threatening to leave (as my husband was), and then you learned he wanted men, that would be a problem! 
—In your case, you have a lot of searching to do.

Can your trust husband? 
Is he happy with yiu?
Are you confident that he can be happy with you?
Is everything else about your marriage happy and reciprocal?
Is this a challenge you believe you really can address—is there enough there to save?
Is yiur husband concerned about your happiness?  Is he able to make concessions?  Or is this truly all about him, and you only matter in how you bend to suit him?
Do you see or feel that his connection with yoj is changing?  Has it been changing over time? 
Ask yourself really really honestly:  has this been a healthy relationship in all other ways? 

I strongly suggest the book, “should I stay or should I go,” by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi.  It is very nurturing and really helps you figure out if your marriage really has been healthy, and what “healthy” looks like in the future for you.  It does not address sexuality.

Important:
—Do you trust your husband? Sounds like you do not.  Can you trust him again, and what would that take?  Do you even want to trust him again?
—Do you feel like you are enough? 
—Is he willing to listen to you and consider yiur feelings as equal to his?
—Does he blame you at all for anything?  (Red flag!). Especially, does he say “if you were just better in this way, then I would not need porn.”
—Can you live with your husband watching porn?  Does he treat you differently when he does? 
—What is the trend?
—What are the patterns in the relationship?
—What are the patterns during sex?  Is he as interested in your pleasure as you are in his?
—Has he told you everything?  Has he minimized anything AT ALL?  (Red flag!)
—How do you feel when you have a break from him?  Have you taken a week away?  My time away from my husband was full of clarity.  Have you taken a break from sex?  That also might help you as you figure things out.  Our emotional, visual, sexual attractions to our spouses are so strong, and time away helps us sort things out.

I am glad!  I had not actually meant to post all that! It was so long, and I had cut and pasted it elsewhere to edit.

First, Someone asked who chose the therapist, I did, she was recommended by a close friend (my first point of contact after this bomb was dropped)

Wow, I’ve had so much to think about and reflect on since my original… thank you btw, this helps so much!

So to dig a little deeper…. I mention my issues as a frame of reference because at times throughout our marriage when sex was very sparse it was me, all me.  My husband has always been ready & willing whenever I wanted to.  At one point and time before I found out that I was severely hormonally deficient I was to a point where I would have understood if he wanted to have an affair.  I felt like a zombie, and to be completely transparent I was ready to end my life because I couldn’t bear the thought of living life feeling like that…. not just emotionally but physically, mainly physically.  Not sexually, but just day to day life.   Once my Dr. finally realized what the problem was and I started getting hormone implants it made all the difference in the world.

 So when my husband and I met I was at a comfortable weight, but then really ballooned up when I went through IVF, pregnancy and yes a great deal of stress with raising the kids (my daughter’s teen years… whew… ok that a story for a totally different board lol)    Even at my heaviest my husband was still never not interested.  He never made me feel bad about my weight, quite the opposite he always tried to build me up.  I was the one that didn’t want to have sex with the lights on, would want to keep my shirt on, feel uncomfortable if he complements me.    In fact one of the things he had said about feeling the need to come out when he did (aside from being in denial for many years) was that we were in such a good place…. which in hindsight I am absolutely grateful for because had he come out during a time when I was at my most insecure it most likely would have destroyed me.

When I say experimenting, it was more happen-stance…. a touch here, a touch there.  Conversation like “is this ok?”   “should I continue?”   We’ve gotten really good about communicating in bed, and he has always been conscientious about not pushing me out of my comfort zone because my first husband did (who forced things upon me)    I will say that my husband has always taken care of my needs in bed and always make sure that I am pleasured, in fact it seems to be his top priority whenever we are intimate.  There have even been times since all of this has come out where I will get into a bad head space during sex, he will notice that I’m not quite that into it anymore and will stop and just hold me, sometimes (if not right then, then at some point later) talk about the thoughts that are bouncing around in my head.   But when these times happen he is never angry or tries to press issues, he actually completely loving.

I’m not really a fan of the porn, in any form.  My husband watches both gay and straight porn.  He, himself has admitted that if he indulges in too much porn that it affects him.  He explains it to me as, Porn is a very graphic & visual, so its a quick easy way to take care of a need.   I have a lot of mixed feelings about porn.  I haven’t ever took notice of how or if he treats me differently when he watches it.   I think it is primarily a masterbation tool for those days when we are not having sex.

As for the female dominance, that is something he expressed that he would like to try.  BUT only when and or IF I was ever ready.  And if I were to never feel comfortable about it then that was ok too.  We’ve talked about this a few times (me bringing it up) because yes I would feel like this is something I would being do to please him because I love him and its a fantasy of his.   He however does not press or force the issue and always reiterates that its okie if I don’t ever get to a point where I am comfortable with.   I guess I can’t express enough how understanding and concerned his is about not pushing me beyond my boundaries, he never makes me feel bad about not wanting to do something or even trying something new and deciding in the moment “ok I’m not comfortable lets stop”  He never gets angry, we either switch to something more in my comfort zone or we stop all together and just cuddle and talk about it.   When I talk about things being outside my comfort zone, I am even talking about things as basic as talking about sex is something I had to become comfortable with (I attribute this to my baggage in the past, I developed a very unhealthy view of even healthy sex)   Which is another aspect that my husband has always handled with compassion.

Is he telling me the whole story and do I believe him?   Hmmm that’s a catch 22, I mean can you really trust someone 100% after something like this has come out.

First, is he telling me the whole story?   My gut instinct is yes- throughout this process there has not been a time when he wan’t willing to discuss whatever or whenever I need to.   He has answered my questions as crazy, irrational and sometimes even hurtful with compassion and understanding.  There has not been one instance where I have been met with anger or blame, many times there is a great deal of hurt.  I can see that he is genuinely hurting because I am hurting.

Do I believe him?   that is a tough question and actually a point that keeps being brought up.   I believe that everything he is telling me is what he 100% believes and feels….. right now   My struggle is “but did we just open pandora’s box”?  Is this now something that is going to change or evolve?   After living in a state of denial for so many years how can you be confident that maybe there is some seed of denial still there?  Because if its denial then you may not yourself even been totally aware of it.  And there is not real good answer to that because its a challenge of what the future holds, all he can assure me of is how he feels right now, that he feels confident that will not change and if that were to ever change that it would be a conversation before anything were to ever be acted upon.
  
While I feel like he has been very supportive throughout all of this I get caught in a vicious circle of am I in some sort of denial.   With what he tells me and his actions towards me if would be very easy for me to stick my head in the sand and pretend this doesn't even exist.   Then I have days where it feels like  up is down and down is up, and I start to question everything.... am I in denial? are there red flags I'm not seeing?   why?  WHY? WHY, tell me all of this?   I keep coming back to that one, over and over and over   He patiently answers it every time.   Little bits I understand, I understand he needed complete transparency with me, he didn't want me happening upon gay porn, or a "pleasure toy" of his, he needed to feel like he was being honest when I would remark "are you sure you are not gay"..... and all of that makes sense..... although its getting farher and fewer inbetween, my mind still goes back to WHYYYYYY?    Maybe that doesn't have thing to do with my husband, maybe its just me being mad at the entire situation.   

Last edited by Pieces_of_Me (June 7, 2019 10:25 am)

Pieces, it is obvious that I was totally projecting my own experiences onto yours.  I will leave those questions up here, above, instead of deleting from the board,  in case some future reader’s relationship dynamics are like mine.

I think you have a lot to work through, and only you can do that work.  Just this morning, on another topic thread, I commented that keeping a secret like this is in itself a kind of betrayal and abuse.  On another thread, someone posted the entire column from Omar Minwalla on sexual secrets.

So how is a monogamous bisexual able to love their partner honestly?  I know bi gets used as an excuse and deflection, and Lily has posted some great thoughts on bisexuality and monogamy.  This is why the “bi” thing is crazy to work through—is it an excuse? Real? Why tell?  But keeping secrets is wrong.

So I guess you have to decide if your husband’s intent was to be honest out of concern for you, respect for you.  Because he loved you, and now that you asked, he did not want there to be any dishonesty or a sexual secret.  Was he a happy bisexual in a happy monogamous relationship with no need to tell his wife because he was happy and monogamous? 

Or was he honest as more of a reveal to change what you thought was ok in your marriage. 

There is always the question of, ok, so what does he DO with the bi side?  Maybe nothing.  Maybe more.

And, what do YOU do with that, and is that ok with you.  Do you feel loved and cared for?  Is he showing this in ways that are real?  Not manipulative.

You have to decide if his patterns of caring and consideration of your feelings (as you described in your post above) mean you are willing to give the relationship time.  It is ok to take some time.  You also get to set the standards for your own future.

That Lundy Bancroft book, “Should I Stay or Should I Go,” addresses lots of ways of considering the pros and cons of waiting to figure out any big concerns in an intimate relationship, and how you can decide how long is enough, or if it is even worth it to you.  It is not about sexuality, but it really helps thinking in terms of the overall health of the relationship.  Equivalency, caring, valuing.