Been together only 3 months? You lucky woman. I would say....Listen to the advice of the men and women 
here, and be prepared to leave the relationship behind before you get hurt any more.

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    Why should you leave?  Because your partner is not in love with YOU.  What he says is that YOUR LOVE has given him the courage to be himself, and himself wants to be a woman.  
    It just so happens that today I re-read Anne Lawrence's "Becoming What We Love," an article about men who wish to become women (Lawrence is herself a transsexual).  I was struck at how different it is to read it now, more than four years after my ex's announcement he was "a woman in a man's body."  When I read it four years ago, I was in very much the same place you are, wanting to help him, wanting to stay relevant to his life, caught up in his gratitude for my understanding.  I thought we were closer than we'd every been; I fell right into the trauma bonding, which conditioned me to accept and even welcome more and more outrageous behavior and statements, and to participate and accept all of it.
   So let me tell you something: you're in the honeymoon phase, when a man who is in love with the idea of himself as a woman--an autogynephile--is idealizing you.  It's something they do.  It doesn't last.  Pretty soon it will be envy over your femaleness and your body, even as he desires it for himself (let me stress that: he doesn't desire your body because it's yours, he desires the body you have because he wants to be living in one like yours).  Any sexual spark will be the result not his loving YOU, but of loving you as the occupant of the body he so desperately wants for himself. 
     Autogynephiles are primarily attracted to themselves as they act out their fantasy of becoming a woman.  Look up Lawrence's article on the internet (the full text is available), and also read Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen," also available in full text for download.  You need to understand what exactly you're dealing with, and shake off those romantic ideas of "the one," because if you don't you're in for the roller coaster ride from hell.  
   Here's the thing.  You feel as if you can't leave, but I am here to tell you that you can't afford not to leave.  It doesn't get better, it gets more difficult.  It doesn't get easier to understand; it gets stranger and stranger, and your partner turns into a stranger.  You think you're scared to see him in women's clothes?  What about when he "tucks" and parades in front of you with his grotesque imitation of a vulva, believing that you should be/will be turned on by it?
   You need to listen to yourself: "a big part of loving him is loving that he is a man."  This is the most basic truth, the most basic fact.  You are heterosexual. Yet your MAN is rejecting his manhood and will now attempt to live as a woman.  He will not be your man any more.  
  
PS: I'm editing this after Lily's comment, below.  Lily, a point of clarification.  Autogynephiles--men who are aroused by the thought of themselves as women--are attracted to women, and think of themselves as lesbians. However, occasionally such a wo/man might want to have sex with a male in order to "prove" to themselves that they, like natal women, are "real women."  Autogynephilia comes accompanied with the need for validation of their status.  But most autogynephiles do not "progress" to sleeping with men.  That is, it's a possibility, but not a certainty.  And therefore your warning is still relevant.  (And thanks for the kind words; we all come by our perceptiveness the hard way, don't we?)

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 4, 2019 8:53 am)

This will probably demoralize you further but your description sounds alarmingly like love-bombing. Also known as behaving in a near-perfect fashion to create attachment and affection. This makes it hard to leave and/or induces guilt in the 'bombed' person for having expectations or boundaries. This 'loving' type of behavior is usually followed by neglect, devaluing, abuse, boundary testing, revealing of damaging secrets, etc. The pattern will then repeat so you get stuck.

Based on this alone I would say get out now. Immediately. It's unusual and not generally a good sign to get that close that quickly. Especially not with a reveal like that afterwards. It's highly suspicious. Don't let it keep going. Seriously. Please listen to the others.

If he really is a good person and cares for your feelings as much as he does for his own, he should be able to accept that this doesn't work for you. Transition yourself into a friend only if you want to support him but you have no obligation here. Not after three months you don't. No matter how much you like him.

Like Whirligig, my first thought was love-bombing. It is a common tactic used by narcissist, and not all narcs are overt. Some use fake humility and a sense of selflessness to lure you in, but do not be deceived. I'm no expert, but I think the only way to know if his real devotion is to you or to himself is to oppose him and see how he reacts.

But let's not get stuck on him and what he does and wants. What about YOU? What do you want? It may not feel like it, but you have been given a gift. I was with my spouse for over 20 years before he came out to me. I had long since given up my career in order to raise and educate our children. We had a mortgage, etc. You get to decide now if you want to stay or leave before you get in any deeper.

So, again.... what do you want? When you look into the future what do you see? If it includes this man, know that it is a real possibility that this man will know longer exist. If you marry him one day, he will become your wife. Do you hope to have children one day? If he starts HRT before you have them, you may have to give up that dream. Are you okay with that? 

But this is a gift..... try it out. Ask about names and see how it feels to call him your girlfriend. Ask to see "her." I know it is scary. Believe me. I've been there. You won't really know how you feel about it though until you actually experience it. Then you can decide if it is something you can get used to or not.

And if he really loves and trusts you like he says, he will do this for you and move at a pace that you are comfortable with - at least in your presence.

But I have to say it..... if it were me, I would run.

Good luck to you.

Yes, the longer one stays, the gay spouse is entitled to half of what’s accumulated in the marriage in any no-fault divorce state.  I considered staying and attempting a separation agreement that would have separated the finances on the date she came out — my attorney said that wasn’t possible. I also needed to leave to protect my sanity.  Protection against debts is a great idea if doable. 

Find an informed attorney to advise you at a minimum.  It will save you much in the long run. 

ADSJ