Accountability.  Boy, that is the sticking point, isn't it?  Our spouses do not want to be held accountable, not at any step of the way, from hiding to lying to leaving.  We want our spouses to hold themselves accountable for what they've done, but they steadfastly refuse, often blaming us instead, or, if not us (or, in addition to us) a myriad of other factors, all of which absolve them, as they see it, from taking responsibility.  Or they simply dig in their heels and declare they "have a right to be happy," as if that "right" should be exercised without regard to anything else in their lives--namely us, their children, and their responsibilities to us.  
   It's maddening!  Crazy making!  Our holding them accountable when and where we can is about all the accountability we are ever likely to see.  So good for you, ADSJ, for using mediation to do that.  What I did was ask my spouse to buy me out of the house, because he had ignored his responsibility there and pushed it onto me for decades, and I thought he should now have to take over that responsibility.  I take a good deal of satisfaction from having done that.  
 

Two observations here.

First, someone here had posted a link to this NY Times story.  I've saved it because I think it's so excellent, and it really talks about the approach that therapists and other professionals in general need to keep in mind when they're dealing with the aftershocks of ongoing deception.  I think you should flag this for your therapist:

https://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html
 
It is not actually specific to the experience of a straight spouse, but on the other hand it does speak very directly to our situation.  Therapists and other mental health professionals have to be aware that when these situations arise, the spouse who's been lied to is going to have a much harder time adapting to the situation, and feelings of anger or betrayal are going to have a far more long-lasting effect on us.  

Second, as far as mediation versus lawyers goes, I'm probably biased because my mediation just blew up yesterday (believe it or not, the mediator basically quit on us, strongly suggesting that my husband had not been negotiating in good faith).  So you can take this for what it's worth, but if you are in either a courtroom or an arbitration, the person you are trying to convince is the judge (or arbitrator).  That's who you need to convince of your side.  If you're in mediation, you are negotiating directly with your spouse -- the mediator is really just being a go-between.  The person you need to convince is your spouse.

The reason mediation didn't work for us, is because my spouse was never really living in a reality-based world.  He has a vastly exaggerated sense of what he's entitled to, and a diminished sense of what he owes anybody else.  The mediator finally gave up on him because terms she had suggested, were terms she knew from experience any court would insist on.  And, my husband just wouldn't hear that. He kept thinking he was entitled to more, that the whole process was unfaaaaaair.

I offer that for whatever it's worth, but if you are concerned your spouse is not going to be susceptible to logic, mediation might not be the best option.

sorry to hear the mediation has fallen down, WBM.  I know how stressful it is.  My ex didn't want to get a divorce either.  Well yes if he could keep everything that would be fine.

And I had to recognise he was used to getting his own way very easily.  

When I was getting frustrated, I had a friend who told me the family courts are full of couples bankrupting themselves in the divorce process, it was a bucket of cold water and very welcome.  Aha.  This was something he could understand.  The lawyer is giving me the figures the court will want.  If he fights it will simply reduce the amount he gets at the end.  Fighting in court is expensive. 

 

I submitted this comment at midnight and it needed to be gone!

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 3, 2019 7:41 am)