OutofHisCloset wrote:

Kaynorth,
    .
  Here's the thing: if he wants to "transition," there is nothing holding him back.  He can do that.  But he's not taking that step; instead he's placing onto you the onus of encouraging him to take that step in the guise of being considerate of your feelings!

 So I was the ONLY one who lost anything, who bore any consequences for his practices-

  I
  Post-post script:  I had my child at age 35.  My dissertation director had hers at 39 and 42.  It's not too late for you to have a child.  But as walkbymyself said, having a child in this situation is a guarantee of an extra burden in the future.

  You are young enough to find another partner and have the kind of family you imagined you were going to have.

It's so strange to see people who really do know what it feels like, the weird sense of betrayal that doesn't come from cheating or abuse, but from this huge insane change that one partner decides to make.

It's true what you said, he wanted to stay in our sexual relationship as a woman, he is hurt and disappointed that I can't do it. He feels he will be the same inside and just look different, so why can't I learn to accept his new look. 
But I am sure he will be different, and it's not fair to expect me to be willing to have intimate relationship with a woman, one with breasts and long hair and womanly features but male genitalia. I'm just not comfortable with it. I would be uncomfortable with sex, I would be uncomfortable in public having to seem like the masculine partner. 

So it kind of feels like I am the person ending the relationship, because he didn't want to end it. So I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't. 

Also it gives me a lot of hope when you say you had children at a later age. I've wanted a baby for so long, and we have tried fertility treatments and herbal and home remedies with no success. But now I almost wonder if that was some kind of fate, like we weren't meant to bring a child into this kind of relationship. I can't imagine finding someone I'm comfortable and trusting enough with again. And how do you let go of that fear that someone else isn't hiding big secrets?

My biggest fears right now are how do I go from here, right now we are still living together and we are on good terms, but it's a bit like being in limbo. Like we are in the same relationship but with such a weird unnatural feeling that it's a finished relationship.  I need to wait until we sell out home, manage our shared debt, and I find a job that will provide me with housing. So it's just waiting. And that seems super hard when I just want to rip the bandage off and get the process of my new life started. And also I feel so sad, heartbroken, and depressed that I'm losing my best friend, my husband. I don't want to lose him, or our life. But he won't even exist in a few years, it will be a woman and my partner will just be gone and I won't ever be able to talk to him again. Like a death. Makes me so sad. 

Stronger,
   Hmmm...let's see.  Low sperm count with poor motility?  My guess is low testosterone levels.  My guess is that your suspicion is he was taking female hormones and hiding it from you.  

Kaynorth,
   You are right to think that sex will be different.  It's not just the body, or even his new desire to be made love to as if he had a woman's body.  I was more or less ok with that; more, because I feel that everyone's body has multiple sites for pleasure--nipples, for example; less, because some of his actions were stereotypical and stagey (and stupid) feminine actions, all of them very deliberately adopted, and so not natural (like throwing his head up or tilting it back to expose his neck).  But for me, the worst, the intolerable, was his absolute refusal of anything that he had decided defined male sexuality.  He decided that males were governed solely by the urge to ejaculate, as if men were not interested at all in foreplay either for their partners or for themselves (even though earlier in our marriage this had not been true).  So penis-in-vagina sex was out (although he still wanted me to pleasure him orally...).  So you are right to be suspicious and to reject this move to re-make your sex life around his new persona.  

  As for moving out, if he is "hurt and disappointed," I would say you aren't exactly on "good terms"; maybe a better way to put it would be that you're being civil to one another.  Civility is good, but it is very hard to maintain that business like neutrality when you're living with someone with whom you've had rather more than that.  If you haven't seen a lawyer I hope you will see one.  A lawyer can help you figure out how to manage the transition (forgive the term...I actually no longer use "transition" in the sense transgenderists do); it may be that you can figure out how to leverage equity in your house so that you can afford to move into your own place.  If you can possibly get out of the house, it will help you begin to heal.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 30, 2019 10:09 am)

What do your want your relationship to be with your daughter? My concern is that he may try to take on the role of mother and try to mold her into his version of what is feminine. Maybe she by nature she is a girlie-girl and will love having daddy doing her nails and hair but this may isolate her from other girls her age at school. If she is by nature a tomboy she could feel like a failure if she knows she isn't meeting his expectations.

In the long term she may replace you in family life, not that I am suggesting a sexual relationship but that he bonds with her as if she were an adult and not a daughter. A parent should not make a child a companion and best friend.  

Please consider talking to a child psychologist for guidance because I am not one. I just think the actions  you take now could help your daughter develop into an emotionally-healthy adolescent.  
 

Kaynorth,
I know you’ve got a lot to work out. I wish I left my ex at 32, and it’s s very conflicted feeling, because on the one hand, if I had, I wouldn’t have the two beautiful children we adopted. But on the other hand, it woukd have spared them this and I might have met my current wife sooner and had a family with her.  In any event there is time, and you have  much to offer a good man that simply wants a family and a healthy heterosexual relationship. They are out there.  I wish you the best.

SS1979
I thought about staying and thought really hard about what was best for the kids. My son learned of the divorce 6 days after his 12th birthday (her timing) and we separated weeks after that.  My daughter was six. So my son entered his teen years, wrestling with his adoptive identity, divorce, and a gay mom. But he’s always known the truth.  He’s found his way through his school activities and has a good idea of what he wants to do with his life (now 17)  but I still bear the brunt of his resentment of the divorce.  My daughter is thriving and I believe it is for two reasons - the age that she was when we divorced and the love she sees and feels between my current wife and I.  I can’t advise you on what to do, but with the amount of stress between you and your spouse -  I expect your daughter senses it.  I’ve shared In other posts I was in physical pain around my ex in those early months and did not want my children experiencing that stress.  I hope this helps.

Kaynorth wrote:

Thanks guys for all the support, knowing I wasn't the only one this has happened to has helped. I am glad that my stbx and I are so close, because some of the stories of deceitful or harmful partners are so heartbreaking. It's hard enough when we are supporting each other, I can't imagine how hard it must be to suddenly be with someone who seems to be a villain. 

I am sorry you have been put in this position.

Please understand that what I am about to say will sound cold and heartless, but it is not meant to be.

When we first separated, my spouse was not the "villain" I am now dealing with. My spouse seemed to feel genuine remorse at what this was doing to us. My spouse continued to fully support us and even paid for some really nice trips that I went on with my kids. However, as transitioned progressed, my spouse started to change. By the time my spouse socially and medically transitioned, ze seemed to begin to resent having to support us and very meticulously started to pull that support. I tell people that it seems like once ze got everything ze wanted it still wasn't enough. Ze also had to get rid of the things ze no longer wanted (and unfortunately, that includes me and the book is still out on the kids).

I share this because I want to urge you to take steps now to protect yourself legally and financially. Depending on how far your spouse will go, it can be expensive. Once that money is gone it is gone, and you may not be entitled to any of it later. You may also be responsible for any debt that is accrued during this time.

Again, I know you are going through a lot already, and you are sure you won't end up like the stories you see here because y'all are so close. Just remember, though, that we all came on here saying how close we were and how we were best friends and thinking that my spouse would NEVER do some of the things I have seen happen here. And yet, they do.

Just please get a team in place that will protect your interests, and let them do that. That way you can concentrate on healing and moving forward.

I wish you strength and peace.