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1 of 1- Davin
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Limbo - this time between revelation and bringing it to a head
I am fairly early on in this process. It has only been around a month or so that I realized what was the actual problem in my marriage of 24 years. I have spent so much time trying to fix me, and in the end, it wasn't me. It never was.
Now I'm trying to figure out how best to more forward. My GIDW will never admit to her SSA. Her family is very conservative and would never accept her living her life openly gay. Her parents would most definitely disown her.
I'm having a real difficult time sleeping at night. I lay awake in bed next to her and I can't help but ruminate over all these thoughts of what do I do next to move forward. Our lives are highly intertwined and separating the two is going to be a nasty, ugly mess. I know it has to be done, but I'm trying to figure out how to minimize collateral damage along the way. There are no easy answers, I know that.
- lily
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Re: Limbo - this time between revelation and bringing it to a head
I read somewhere that if you are having difficulty sleeping then just try and compose yourself to sleep but if you are still awake 15 minutes later get up - and so I took the advice and I got into the habit of just getting up making a coffee and sitting at the computer and I found that very helpful and doing some writing is good for getting ready to have some sleep.
yeah there are no easy answers, it is very much individual situations.
The main thing I did and still do is rest a lot, even if it is a short nap, I find it is good to just curl up and let it all flow and listen to my own feelings for a bit.
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Limbo - this time between revelation and bringing it to a head
Davin, on the emotional side it is vey difficult and I agree with Lily journaling is extremely helpful. It can also help lay out baby steps. Rest and putting yourself first now is important.
On the rational side, as you decide on the long term strategy, researching how staying in a MOM works (with this site and others) and how mediation and divorce works in your locale works, can be good uses of time to be fully informed as you weigh alternatives. The first can help you navigate terms in working with your wife in the short term and the latter can prepare you for thinking about terms you need in the long term. If you are in the US, you may start with a mediator just to get info. In my area there are therapists that are also mediators so you may find a therapist that can inform you as well. You don’t need to inform your wife of this yet. You don’t want to be deceitful but being informed is part of taking care of yourself. You have already accommodated her denial for a large part of your adult life. You don’t have to act on this info Until you are ready but it can help you understand how to unravel the complexities as rationally as possible. All of this will take away the fear of the unknown and make you feel you made informed decisions. Also shop around for professionals and get references. You want quality advice.
Many of us here considered attempting to stay but in the end left when we realized we could not have a fully reciprocal relationship with our ex’s.
I hope this helps. Wishing you the best .,. ASDJ
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (May 21, 2019 12:54 pm)
- Davin
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Re: Limbo - this time between revelation and bringing it to a head
I don't think staying is an option for me in the long run. I have been so hurt by this, and it has devastated my self-esteem and self-worth that I think I will have to move on in order to heal. I just have a lot of ducks to get in a row and a long journey of healing. It all begins with a single step.
I do now understand the meaning of the phrase "ignorance is bliss". I can't say that I was happy before the realization of my situation but knowing brought a lot of pain to the surface in an instant.
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Thread Starter- Clif
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Re: Limbo - this time between revelation and bringing it to a head
Yes Davin.
Ignorance is bliss. I thought I had one of the best marriages of everyone I knew. There were somethings that didn't seem to fit right, however, I thought we were extremely happy. Once the truth came out that she was gay and she moved out I found the missing puzzle pieces.
I was thoroughly miserable when she moved out and filed for divorce but now, 10 years later, i am remarried and very happy.
- Afraidtoconfront
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Re: Limbo - this time between revelation and bringing it to a head
Have you given yourself a date that you know when you are going to tell her that you know? I have known since October but am waiting until June 17 to tell him for a variety of reasons. I am terrified of his reaction but I know I cannot go one like this. Most days, I feel like I am on the verge of a heart attack.
- lily
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Re: Limbo - this time between revelation and bringing it to a head
Hi ATC, I am just wanting to check that you have been to the doctor. You might need to get your blood pressure checked. This is so stressful and it is very common to find the straight spouse has developed high blood pressure. I am naturally slightly low and back to that now but was high in the months preceding the split. My friend I am very upset but she is low pressure too and she has now got very high pressure and put on medication. She is not planning to leave her MOM.
If you are terrified it's for a reason, I was the same. I just thought well he had been keeping secrets from me for years and it was my turn now. Then it was one step in front of the other and only told him I was going ahead with a divorce when I was ready to. It's good to avoid confrontation, good for you. I could just see it wasn't going to get me anywhere - he was never going to be straight with me.
- Rob
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Re: Limbo - this time between revelation and bringing it to a head
Afraidtoconfront,
Please seek medical help if your being physically affected by the stress, fear and anxiety. Confrontation usually doesn't do much we've seen here...one usually gets more lies...that in itself tells you how much they think of of us.. I say discretely gather strength and take small steps for yourself. It does feel bad hiding things and planning behind them..it goes against our nature...but these spouses have been doing it without a care about us for years. They may angry but it is morally right and just for us to protect ourselves and the kids..they caused this..it is all them.
A lot of good suggestions from others. I highly recommend the rollout foam mattress from Ikea. I could sleep anywhere in the house...including the kids rooms when they were stressed from my GX.
Wishing you all strength an fortitude. Small stoic steps doing what is right.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7