been doing some tough yards this weekend but handling them well - not sure how but I think with a bit of everything.  Maybe it was the chocolate.  But probably it was the cancel everything day I had on Friday, not feeling well, went to bed. stayed in bed all day slept a lot and woke up late afternoon feeling much better.  I really do believe curling up and daydreaming is the best medicine.

I appreciate all the efforts people make to care for each other, both the give and the get of it, just caring about another's feelings, and perhaps humanity's saving grace - there's always room for a funny comment.

all the best, everyone

 

I also had a tough weekend.  My closeted, cross dressing/trans ex is out of town, so we made arrangements that while he is away I can finally move to my apartment the last of the furniture and a few other things from our family home--family pictures and mementos from my son's school years that I'd collected--that I'd asked for in the divorce. (I sold my ex my share of the house and moved to an apartment.)  He had not cleared out the bookcases or gone through the box of family portraits of our ancestors, so before I could move them, I had to clear them out, separate out the portraits and try to divide books. I spent time doing that both Friday and Saturday. 
  It is always difficult to go back to the house, and inevitably results in bringing up the past, damaging images of my ex's dressing up in women's clothes, the tense atmosphere in our house during those years, etc. etc.  To see his neglect of the house and my garden, but most of all the evidence that he continues his feminizing-in-secret, is an assault that re-animates the trauma of the three years after he dropped the trans bomb before I struggled free of my doubts, hopes, guilt, feelings of obligation, and fears and left.  It is important for my healing to have as little to do with him as I can: not talk to him or see him, and avoid the places associated with him and that time. 
   Sunday my son helped me move the bookcases, and we picked up and dropped off the truck and got it loaded and moved and arranged in my apartment in less than two hours.  I must still must sort through and pack the books, and move those via my car by Friday, when my ex returns.  
    I keep telling myself that I will be ok, that I can get through this, that yes, there will be a reaction when it's all done, but that after it IS done, I will never have to go back there again. During the time when I am not there, I am giving myself permission to do as much or as little else as I feel like doing, and I am making sure to see other people and get outside, because both make me feel better.  
   I'm just going to say what everyone here already knows: this shit is HARD.  

SS1979,OOHC, I empathize.
Living with the ex after disclosure was physically painful (headaches). SS1979 I wish you strength and grace through that.  OOHC, Going through memorabilia and photos in the house after the ex left was also very HARD. I stayed in that house too long and am glad I’m out of that house.

Lily, glad to hear you are giving yourself some respit. 

All, I wish you a better week and will keep you all in my prayers.

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (May 20, 2019 7:36 pm)

Afraidtoconfront,


The kids will be ok...and they will never understand you gave 24 years.

I understand the fear well..it feels paralyzing.   Know that you are not idle..  You wrote in here.
Small steps everyday for you and your kids.  Discrete small steps. Know that it's not forever...there is an end to the fear and tension.