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- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
Yes our stories and experiences are mind twisting, crazy, absurd, ....
Once we fully see and internalize the absurdity, it becomes easy to chose to leave.
I do recognize that circumstances ( finances, children, social circles) complicate and introduce difficulties in fully physically leaving, but that mental exit by disengaging from the absurdity is the biggest step in fully truly freeing ourselves.
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
And! This is where we have to start saying to ourselves, about all this mind-spinning mind-messing mind-mucking! Remember that foundational Chumplady advice! Stop untangling the skein! Time to stop untangling the skein of our spouse's inner world!
(And, wink wink, because I must maintain MY OWN SUPER DUPER MORAL HIGH GROUND, I only link to Chumplady's words--what would the children think if I actually used them?)
I was actually exploring this idea with my mental health counselor yesterday. In spite of her advice to stop untangling it, so many of the Chumplady posts are really all about untangling that skein. The problem is when we take responsibility to untangle the skein for our spouses, to serve their needs and excuse them and accept the twisted aggression toward us. If we explore the skein enough to see it for ourselves, to help ourselves, to pull ourselves out of the "tangled web," that is OK. It really is a kind of aha experience.
This is the same advice that is right in the first aid kit here on SSN, which we repeat to each other, and which Sean (our SSN friend-the-former-closeted-gay-straight-husband) also gives: Even though we love our spouses, and in our shock we seek comfort from trying to show our love and empathy to them, we really need to stop focusing on our spouse, stop trying to figure out their identity, stop trying to figure out why they do things or what exactly happened when. Understanding these things is OK if it really helps us. But the bottom line is: what is important to me? What am I worth? Is this what I want in an intimate relationship? Are the actions my spouse shows me the actions of a loving, trustworthy, intimate partner? Am I safe here? Can I trust this person?
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
There is an element of reprocessing/ reinterpreting the past in light of the gay thing. There also comes a moment where it’s counterproductive and we just accept what is and move on.
My therapist couldn’t quite comprehend the need to reinterpret the past, but she did have an interesting insight on moving on.
She once said, if you leave the steak on the counter to thaw and the dog eats it, who are you going to blame, the dog? The dog was just being who it is. Getting angry at the dog is a waste of time. Accept what is and adapt one’s own behavior. In the case of TGT. Adaptation is usually leaving with minimal engagement going forward.
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
Regarding this idea of needing to reinterpret things, and circling back and back, I really appreciated this article on how a long-term, deep betrayal in an intimate relationship shocks you because it takes away from you the narrative of your life. This article helped me have words to explain a lot of what I was experiencing, and gave me something to hand to a friend when I couldn't express it myself.
Lately, I've had a few triggers. I've realized that each season--and other unexpected things--bring up memories that I thought I had already processed. But each trigger seems to require new processing: how does this Easter decoration have so much emotion behind it? Why is the robin song in the morning making me cry? Why is my son's band concert upsetting me so much? Etc.
I also find that, when there is important information withheld from us, that also changes the landscape, and then each trigger has to be RE-re-interpreted.
Because I need to understand my own life in the past, at least a little, to move into the future.
Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (May 2, 2019 12:37 pm)
- EliciousATL
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
I understand completely Mimi. I too, am keeping his ITC secret because of his religion/community/nationalism. It made me super angry for all of his friends and family to think that I left a 20 year marriage for no reason. And I wasn't allowed to share the reason because we mediated a settlement agreement. So essentially, and in the most ugly way, he is paying me to keep my silence. I find all of it so very sad.
You are right, they should not have married and then have had the audacity to cheat with men, having never declared who or what they are. So it does feel like maybe the whole thing wasn't real. Looking back after 3 months separated, and 6 months from discovery....there were some magical moments and I believe we were in love, though his nature prevailed. Unfortunately in a devious and sneaky way - just like you.
To this day - no real confession/discussion/admission...but lots of proof. It's a gaslighting nightmare. I'm sorry you are going through this - and I am WITH you all the way.
Last edited by EliciousATL (May 2, 2019 1:43 pm)
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
OMOTF that article is helpful. The last sentence is compelling. We were robbed of our stories. We not only have to create a new narrative of our life, we have to rewrite the old one. That is not a small task.
And yes the triggers are difficult. They emerge in unexpected places.
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (May 2, 2019 3:51 pm)
- Mimi
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
Thank you all so very much for all that you share. Estella, good for you! Onmytwofeet, hang in there. Everyone else thank you for your stories and feedback.
I think as you said, what I struggle the most with is the fact that he stole my life native from me. Not only he did that, he is now angry that I’m not understanding. Blames me for his homosexuality!! “Had you been a better wife, we wouldn’t be here.”!!! Why is this only their story to share? They need to be ready to come out? This is my story too. My story is that I was deceived by a man whom I thought was my best friend and partner.
You all make great points. Dad-journey, your therapist nailed it with the dog and steak story. When I get tangled in his anger and twisting the story, I take a step back. I remind myself that I should mentally exit as well. I should stop trying to prove to him that he is in denial. I should stop waiting for an apology. I should stop expecting him to be human enough to realize what he did was wrong.
Writing helps me a lot. I write him letters to release my anger. Couple pages each day. The other day, I woke up, got my pen and the only thing that came to mind for that day was:
“F#^^% k YOU!”
Your wife
Mimi
Last edited by Mimi (May 2, 2019 5:37 pm)
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Thread Starter- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
Mimi, hang in there and all of what you are going through is valid and yours. Stick to your guns, channel your anger. I went back and read your first post - you have a lot to offer a good man and they are still out there. Pouring love and desire on a gay spouse is like pouring water on a rock.
My ex and I hit an impasse about 20 years ago (I was 38 at the time) and I thought it was about the infertility and starting a family. I thought we worked through it by starting a family through adoption, but in hindsight I can see her intimacy issues were TGT and she was GID. I thought about leaving at that time but I stayed. The intimacy never emerged. The absence of intimacy you describe in your original post, especially ‘mechanical’ is what I experienced through most of my 26 year marriage. Had I left then, I might have met my current wife then. (It turns out I drove past her home regularly in those years).
You may feel you’ve lost a lot of time and you have every right to be totally p*ssed about it. But you have a lot of time in front of you too. I wish you the best.
- Mimi
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
Dads_Straight_journey
Thank you so much for your kind words and reading my story. Means a lot. . It’s been a rough process as you can imagine. I think besides the lack of intimacy or the rare mechanical sex we all felt, what makes me angry is the fact that I was also being shamed for my basic needs.
I was shamed for being “too sexual” while all I asked for was regular normal sex with my husband. I felt something is wrong with me all these years.
Separation and divorce is painful by itself but what we experience adds a whole other layer to it.
I’m also clueless to all the financial aspects of divorce so need to educate myself.
Thank you all for letting me vent and also sharing your stories.
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill.
That NY Times piece is excellent.