Paraceleus wrote:

. We are open and have been for right around a year and a half.  It has been a blast to meet people but neither of us has meet anyone where there is a spark to pursue.

Apparently for both of us, an intellectual and romantic trust bond needs to be in place before attraction really kicks in.
 

I need that romantic bond too before the attraction will really kick in.  I think it's quite a common way to be, it goes with monogamy.  So I can imagine it was fun meeting new people, but no sparks - you're still involved with your wife.

My experience was that there was this man, we knew each other for years.  we enjoyed each other's conversation, we liked the look of each other, we admired each other, and we were both having troubles in our marriages but the spark didn't ignite until I was in the process of getting divorced and his wife had left him.  briefly.  she returned to plague him further, and I am still sighing.  The spark is still alight despite years of a world between us.

what a world!


 

Hi everyone, 

Thank you for sharing your perspectives, insights and opinions.
I have found many interesting points made by all and it has definitely given me a lot to think about. 

With regards to the question: "have I seen or heard of any 'bisexual' who has been in a same sex relationship for 20+ years then turned around to say they need to experiment with their hetero side?"... 
I think there are many layers to this....

- Firstly, 20 years ago was a very different time, and as such, it is far more likely that these people experimented with their hetero side (maybe even several times) prior to engaging in a same sex relationship.They would also have had to work harder to be accepted in society, and forgone children or a family (without adopting), so I think they would have to be more sure of which way they 'lean', especially if there is an 'easier' option which they are also attracted to...

- Secondly, if you look at the statistics more and more of our younger generations identify as bisexual, whether that has more to do with societal changes/acceptances, I am not sure....

- Thirdly, after giving it some thought, speaking with a wide range of people (both for/against), and reading many articles, both scholarly and not, I am beginning to think that bisexuality is a spectrum - and the more open and accepting our society becomes the more evident that is.

Don't get me wrong Gays/Lesbians are most certainly a thing, and some of the individuals of those two groups have done some truly awful, horrendous, and unforgivable things to some beautiful people - and for Gays/Lesbians to use bisexuality as a 'cop-out' or 'shield' to hide from the truth of their own sexuality has also hurt a whole other group of people.

I am not saying I am positive which of the 3 groups my partner belongs to, I am not even sure he is positive, what I do know is that life is made up of grey. I have always felt that way.

Counselling was tough, but we got through it, and we have more sessions scheduled.
I have thought long and hard about what I can and can't accept and these are conversations I have had and will continue to have with my partner. My own needs are at the forefront of my mind, and if/when I feel like they are not being met I will be walking. But so far I have not felt that way, just worried that he feels that way.  

Our biggest struggle, is that he didn't give himself enough time to understand this about himself, that he didn't dig deeper and confirm what it meant for him - and what it meant for us. It came out as an accident and he hadn't given the questions I was asking any thought. Which just made us both confused and hurt. We are working through it though and establishing our boundaries, he is exploring this side of himself more and I am giving him the space to do so. If it turns out that he needs something more, then we have agreed that we are not meant to be and we will both walk away.

I want to thank everyone for their support and love sent my way, and who knows I could be back on here in a few months confirming you were all right. But I have taken your advice and looked at what my terms and limits are, and what I can/cannot live with. The answer is I cannot live without seeing this through, I don't think I could ever truly be happy or in another healthy relationship if I walked now, not knowing what could have been.

I wish nothing but the happiest thoughts to you and yours! - C

Hi Chalizbet.

sorry you are going through this I just hope you can find your way out of the maze sooner rather than later.  First I want to point out my question was pretty simple.  So have you ever heard of a bisexual going from a longterm gay relationship to a straight one?  I haven't, I haven't heard of anybody who has heard of one either.  Not one.  But the numbers of bisexuals who go from straight to gay relationships are legion.

That says something.  

And the other thing I want to say - I am concerned about the counselling.  Is the counsellor picked by you or your husband?  Has the counsellor told you what their orientation is?  Is your husband's orientation being the main topic of discussion or is it about what you can do to make the marriage better?  Do you feel the counsellor is sympathetic towards how you're feeling?  Don't let them two-time you, you will end up beaten to the floor psychologically speaking.

So what I am hoping is you have a mum or a dad who is a good friend or a sister or an aunt or a brother - some family member you can talk this over with who has your back. 

One final little thought - looking back and thinking about it all, I reckon it takes about three weeks of having sex with someone who is same-sex attracted to put a dint in your self-esteem.  That's all it takes, three weeks.  And then you've become vulnerable in the relationship instead of thriving.

It doesn't take much to turn it around and for your natural self-esteem to spring back, once you are back on your own feet.

So wishing you lots of good fortune, look after yourself and I hope things go well for you, all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (May 3, 2019 4:27 am)

thanks, adsj.  yes the self esteem thing is so shocking in retrospect isn't it and yet at the time you can't see it happening.  I just knew I was feeling a bit anxious, and guess what - blamed myself for feeling like that.  Oh it must be from my childhood... No it's from what is happening in the now.  

and yes, you're so right - I felt guilty over my basic needs.  even though I didn't see it at the time, I felt the need for affection and felt that was wrong of me to want a hug rather than it's wrong to be feeling like that why isn't my husband giving me a hug.

Last edited by lily (May 3, 2019 7:43 am)

WBM, I think you are correct.  If those inclinations are there at all in youth, the need to satisfy them increases with age.

Some more context, I have a gay colleague I’ve known for 30+ years who came out about five years ago. He married into a MOM at 29 after dating his wife off and on for 10 years, started gay porn somewhere in his thirties, started hooking up in his late forties, finally admitted to himself he was gay, and came out to his wife at 53 and divorced.  And while he cared for his wife I never heard him speak of being in love with her.  The most interesting fact here is, and I only learned this recently, that as a teen he experimented with other male teens.  He believed until recently, that that behavior was normal teen experimentation. I don’t know one straight male that believes that is straight teen behavior .  We were all trying to figure girls out at that age - how to get them interested in us and how to date.

My point is those who are GID seem to ascribe  these same-sex activities/desires in youth as immature experimentation not to being gay.

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (May 3, 2019 7:55 pm)