OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- user_friendly
- New member
Offline
Scared to start again
It's been over a year since my ex left. After 13 years together she came out as gay. I didn't know it was possible to feel this much hurt. It's been a special kind of hell for me. I still have nightmares where I relive her telling me that's she's leaving.
I desperately want to move forward with my life. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I try waking up every morning and telling myself "hey, it's a new day, and you're going to kick it's ass!". But I still hate going to bed at night, because I know that means I'm going to wake up alone.
Every now and then someone says what I know everyone else is thinking "Have you tried seeing someone new?". I hate this question so much. I'd love to start seeing someone new, but when I start to think about it I just feel so scared. I just don't want to go through this again. I can't handle the thought of more rejection.
Recently a "friend" of mine started a rumor that I'm asexual, just because I'm not sleeping with anyone right now. This has just made me feel more isolated. There's nothing wrong with be asexual, but this felt like he really crossed a line.
I used to be in therapy but that ended when I lost insurance through my former spouse. Now I don't have anyone to talk to.
There was a while yesterday when I really felt pretty good and I thought I was turning it all around. Then last night I had a dream that things were back to the way they were before. I woke up and began sobbing.
How do people recover from this? I'm fresh out of ideas.
- Mimi
- Member
Offline
Re: Scared to start again
Hi there,
I know exactly how this feels. Sorry that you are feeling this way but you found the right place to share your thoughts. Reading other people's stories, you'll notice that the gay women at least come out to their husbands. Most gay in denial husbands like mine are caught and still deny and still keep you in the closet with them. You should be thankful that you got clarity and not stuck in the rabbit hole like a lot of us.
Months after my discovery, there were days that I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I was so depressed that my world was gray. I couldn't see colors anymore and had no motivation. 4 months later now, I promise you things get better. Good thing about humans is that we are resilient. Time will heal you. You don't need to date anyone to move forward. Don't push yourself. You need to first be in a peaceful place to be ready to bring in another person in your life. Ive been dating myself for the past few months and Im loving it. Getting to know myself. Writing a journal helps too. It'll help you track your progress. If you are still living in the house you both lived in, move out. Go on a trip, do something that would break your cycle. You don't need to prove to anyone anything. Let people think what they want. No one knows what you are going through. Move forward in your own pace. Plan your life daily. Some days you just show up. Some days you'll be happier and some days like today you're sad. Its all part of a grief process. Its normal. Drowning myself in new hobbies, meeting with friends and trips helped me. Come back often and share your thoughts. Be well. E-hug.
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Scared to start again
Hi, sorry you're hurting. Yeah what a good friend, I don't think! I have a friend like that too. It doesn't help does it.
Look it's good to be scared - there are a lot, and I mean a real lot of women out there dating who hide their SSA. It's a good position to be in - you aren't just going to fall for the same thing twice. You know what to look out for, you know you want a much stronger connection. You will find you are quite capable of investing yourself in a relationship when the right person comes along.
It's only a year. It takes a bit of time to get used to living alone after being with a partner. But there are nice aspects to it once you get more used to it.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- Bryguy
- New member
Offline
Re: Scared to start again
I am sorry about how you feel. You are not alone in what you feel. I am about 3 years post divorce and discovery of what my ex did. I have “attempted” to date 2 times over the past year, it took a lot of prayer, thought, and, well after meeting both women my sense of dread and doubt took over my mind and I just went back in my hole. I kept on asking myself, is she gay? Am I going to get hurt again? Can I trust again? I continue to go to counseling openers other week and just hope that one day I can date again (when I am ready). Take your time, I ignore the people who talk about me (yes, I hear people talk about how I should have moved on, others about how could I have been married for 10 years and not known). Good luck, peace be with you.
Bryan
- StrongerThanIKnew
- Member
Offline
Re: Scared to start again
User friendly, I am no expert, but it sounds like what you are experiencing is trauma. Reliving that moment and feeling as though you have made no progress in your healing are classic signs.
Read up on something called Betrayal Trauma. Most of the literature is geared towards women married to porn or sex addicts, but see if the basic description fits you. If so, do what you can to find a good therapist that deals with trauma recovery. I know it can be expensive but you can't afford to not go. (Seriously, look into doing a side gig like Door Dash or something to pay for it.) Trauma does not just go away, and we don't just "get over" it. Your brain is having trouble processing those experiences and a good therapist can help you do that.
All the best to you, and please keep up posted.
- walkbymyself
- Member
Offline
Re: Scared to start again
Mimi wrote:
Reading other people's stories, you'll notice that the gay women at least come out to their husbands. Most gay in denial husbands like mine are caught and still deny and still keep you in the closet with them.
I have noticed this, too.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.