Ordinary guy wrote:

It is not within my power to help her realise anything. If we are dealing with deep seated denial, then the psychological manifestation of this is evident in the vulnerable self behaviours. This takes the form of projection on to me in the form of abuse. The trope that developed over the last few years was that I was “always in the way”.  I couldn’t understand what exactly I was in the way of, until I stepped back and looked at the changes in behaviour over a period of years. I asked if she would entertain the idea of going to relationship counselling to help us rediscover some sort of intimate connection in an effort to help me recover from the deep depression I am battling. I also said that I am being treated in line with domestic abuse recovery. I asked if at the very least, the abusive behaviour could stop to allow myself some breathing space and that I was frankly becoming increasingly desperate and suicidal. What did I get as a response. That I have effectively been a cancer in her life for the last thirty years and that we should just call it a day and split up. I have said over and over again that I want to try and work things out, but there is no desire on her part to even acknowledge the fact that her treatment of me is abnormal at all.
 If TGT lies at the her mental issues, then I think that as a fellow human let alone husband I have a duty to try and get her to accept this. This is not for my benefit, but for my son’s. He does not need to see his Mother behave like this. I don’t want him to think that this is what a relationship with anyone should look like. This whole fragile ego and self-hatred thing projected on to me  could be down to a deeply repressed and denied unconscious true self.

4877 days….
 

OG. a couple of questions, how old is your son and is he similar to you - ie are you friends with him, does he have a sense of humour you enjoy, is he intelligent and kindly?

You are being treated for domestic abuse recovery and you've already had a heart attack - it's a warning sign you don't want to ignore.  Nor is the domestic abuse.  

The idea that she is hiding from herself and would be nicer if she wasn't is a furphy.  denial doesn't mean don't know it means not telling.  not telling you that is.

when you ask her to stop the abuse and she calls you a cancer in her life that is DARVO.  It's deliberate, comes as natural as breathing to an abusive type - now she is the victim and you are her punching bag.  

It seems to me that you are smarting under the unfairness of it.  She gets to waltz off into the sunset with her girlfriend while you face the massive losses of a divorce.  You hurt, she doesn't.  

 

Upside wrote:

Wishing there were avenues to fund this work. It seems SSN is doing initial research, but their focus seems (rightfully) split. Research is necessary to properly communicate the severity of the issue and advocate for the creation of proper support therapies and material.

It takes forever and hard to say it will be effective across the board. My mom has borderline personality disorder. It developed before I was born. I didn't know what it was until I was in my early 20s. Research was published on it around that time and a self-help book came out:  I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman

30 years later, there's still no clear protocol for loved ones of this disorder.  I have given up on it with therapists.   

It's best to advocate for yourself with therapists and move along slowly with SSN. I think they're doing a great job.

lily wrote:

Ordinary guy wrote:

It is not within my power to help her realise anything. If we are dealing with deep seated denial, then the psychological manifestation of this is evident in the vulnerable self behaviours. This takes the form of projection on to me in the form of abuse. The trope that developed over the last few years was that I was “always in the way”.  I couldn’t understand what exactly I was in the way of, until I stepped back and looked at the changes in behaviour over a period of years. I asked if she would entertain the idea of going to relationship counselling to help us rediscover some sort of intimate connection in an effort to help me recover from the deep depression I am battling. I also said that I am being treated in line with domestic abuse recovery. I asked if at the very least, the abusive behaviour could stop to allow myself some breathing space and that I was frankly becoming increasingly desperate and suicidal. What did I get as a response. That I have effectively been a cancer in her life for the last thirty years and that we should just call it a day and split up. I have said over and over again that I want to try and work things out, but there is no desire on her part to even acknowledge the fact that her treatment of me is abnormal at all.
 If TGT lies at the her mental issues, then I think that as a fellow human let alone husband I have a duty to try and get her to accept this. This is not for my benefit, but for my son’s. He does not need to see his Mother behave like this. I don’t want him to think that this is what a relationship with anyone should look like. This whole fragile ego and self-hatred thing projected on to me  could be down to a deeply repressed and denied unconscious true self.

4877 days….
 

OG. a couple of questions, how old is your son and is he similar to you - ie are you friends with him, does he have a sense of humour you enjoy, is he intelligent and kindly?

You are being treated for domestic abuse recovery and you've already had a heart attack - it's a warning sign you don't want to ignore.  Nor is the domestic abuse.  

The idea that she is hiding from herself and would be nicer if she wasn't is a furphy.  denial doesn't mean don't know it means not telling.  not telling you that is.

when you ask her to stop the abuse and she calls you a cancer in her life that is DARVO.  It's deliberate, comes as natural as breathing to an abusive type - now she is the victim and you are her punching bag.  

It seems to me that you are smarting under the unfairness of it.  She gets to waltz off into the sunset with her girlfriend while you face the massive losses of a divorce.  You hurt, she doesn't.  

 

One of the first things to alert me to an under lying issue here was the fact that there was no other man or desire to seek one out. I even said that I could live with that if it made her happy. Yes, it would hurt but “shit happens”. In life. If I am repeatedly told that I am never enough then go and find a man that is, or shut up and put up. If this has been (and I expect to be) a lifelong issue of a failure to understand this unconscious preference, then there is a possibility that the conscious mind has set TGT behind its own “firewall” creating a state of self denial. I am taking a very careful and almost surgical approach to finding the hidden truth. I could give in to emotion and charge in like a bull in a china shop only to find that:

A) II am wrong, and there is another underlying reason that ‘i’ will then struggle to uncover.

B) I am right, and there is a complete shutdown a full breakdown in communication as the last defence.

C) I am right, and the subsequent out pouring of repression leads to collateral emotional damage to my son and wife.

D) I am right and the sudden revelation leads to a personal identity crisis and realisation of the genuine damage done.

One of the things I know for sure is that my wife does not have any self-righteousness in her make-up. She does not present a sense of entitlement and has always struggled with self-esteem and confidence. This may be due to repression and denial of true self. She is not an inherently “bad” person and cares deeply for others. I think that if she was conscious of this issue, then she would be terrified of the reaction it would get from our personal circle if it was made known. Yes, I have been hurt in all of this, but I do not want any more casualties if I can help it. I am being driven away for no apparent reason as far as I can tell. I think that if I was just to give up and leave, then after a suitable period of time another sapphic rainbow butterfly would emerge without any recrimination or shame. I would be the bad guy who abandoned the marriage and no one would ever know what I have been through.fThe closer I get, the more defensive obstacles I come up against. I want the truth for all of our sakes. That will be my “why” that leads to my “how”.

4879 days…..

longwayhome wrote:

C) I am right, and the subsequent out pouring of repression leads to collateral emotional damage to my son and wife.

I would add you in this option: add possible psychological abuse in the mix too. I’m not sure of the age of your son, but it is a super critical consideration. Again, just my opinion.

Lundy Bancroft is your answer. Add in your own personal flavour, but make sure you follow the script.

It will minimize the chance of adding to the already toxic mix that exits within them, it’s not in you, don’t feed into any of it.

Think if it as s type of skilled fencing (as in sport, sad I know, but it is what is is). She’s had the skills all along, it’s us who is behind the eight ball, so to speak. We didn’t even know we were playing at this.

We each must follow our own paths. But there are definite pathways one can choose to take that will at least minimize risk of harm, including for the offending spouse.

You don’t truly know what you are dealing with. A lot of this, in my opinion, touches on their own mental health wellness.

Your son can’t make any of these decisions to protect his own mental health. Perhaps he is totally dependent you to ensure this. Regardless of age, it all has negative impacts no matter how you slice it.
Take care.

Pardon me. Who is Lundy Bancroft?

Lundy Bancroft author of  "Why Does He Do That? inside the minds of angry and controlling men"