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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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April 20, 2019 10:06 am  #1


Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

I’m curious if others here have had the same experience as I have when it comes to intimacy and affection. I’ve been told he doesn’t like to be touched, doesn’t have much of a sex drive, doesn’t like to hold hands etc. He says his parents weren’t affectionate and he’s just not like that. He’s also mean and critical. Have others had the same experience?

 

April 20, 2019 1:56 pm  #2


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

yeah of course we have.  Doing without affection and intimacy in the short term well of course we will but as the decades roll by and it never comes we end up starved of it .... and thinking it's our fault!!  god it's unbelievable to look back and see just how bad it was.

the difference for the closet case is that they are giving themselves affection.  while we are blaming ourselves for the lack of it.  Just changing that - not blaming yourself and giving yourself a hug is huge.

 

April 20, 2019 2:00 pm  #3


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

My GX if I looked back was not overly affectionate.  I supposed i should have noticed but it was very subtle and probably not normal that I always had to initiate anything  physical.  I loved her so much.

In the end when she was having her affair she ceased all physical contact with me..no contact at all.like a light switch...but denied her affair.

The rejection is mean and cruel and not normal..  Do not think you need to live with such abuse forever. In this life and the next we deserve so much more.

Last edited by Rob (April 20, 2019 2:01 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

April 21, 2019 4:05 pm  #4


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

The neglect is abuse. In my MOM marriage, monagomay and fidelity were expected yet intimacy, even touch was rejected.

Regarding Liiy's comment on being starved - it is starvation.  

Looking back, I sometimes wonder if my ex was hoping I would cheat so she could take the high ground in leaving.

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (April 21, 2019 5:48 pm)

 

April 21, 2019 11:42 pm  #5


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Wow, so affiriming to learn I was not the only one who craved affection and intimacy. After our son was born, I felt satisfied that we had the "million dollar family". I did not want to get pregnant a 7th time. 4 miscarriages within the first trimester, before having 2 full pregnancies were enough for me. I wanted to enjoy intimacy without the worry of getting pregnant. But my GID wouldn't take responsibility for contraception, made excuses to not use condoms. So, I investigated having a tubal ligation.
He said that if I did, we'd never have sex again. I told him I wanted to enjoy intimacy with him as much as he seemed to with me. Married for 17 years and never climaxed, had heard about orgasm, but never experienced one. So, at age 40, I had a tubal ligation. He succeeded in convincing me that I was extra-ordinarily passionate, lustful, crazy. I think I understand why women felt "hysterical"....
3 years later, he told me that he wanted "to explore his homosexual feelings." Our children have told me that he is living in Nice, France with a man. It seems he has been "exploring".
As for me, I am now 61 and probably will never experience an orgasm.

 

April 22, 2019 6:30 am  #6


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Gonzo, don't write off your sex life at 61. You don't need a man to experience orgasm. I'm not going to go x-rated here but the better you know your own body and the more comfortable you are with it the more enjoyment you will have when you aren't going solo.

Men in their 50's and 60's who have been in relationships with women before aren't as clueless as our gay-in-denial spouses were. They want to to pleasure you. While flat on your back is the recommended position when the goal is pregnancy woman on top can be mid-blowing. Viagara is good news for women as well as men.

To be open to a new relationship you have to find a way to move beyond the collapse of your marriage, to turn the page on this chapter of your life. "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" was in theaters when my husband left and I rented the dvd several times as part of my self-help recovery.     


 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

April 23, 2019 3:44 pm  #7


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

My Ex  left me at 55 and I wondered if I still had it.  I’ll keep it PG and simply say I experienced “The Difference” ( see jargon for newbies) with the woman who is now my wife. Sexual intimacy is one of the greatest free gifts given us as humans.  Don’t give up on finding it, no matter your age.

 

April 23, 2019 4:52 pm  #8


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Abused, it's so amazing that you posted this, because I was having trouble sleeping last night (well, every night, but whatever) and this is the exact topic I was stuck on.  My husband never showed affection at all -- he always joked that he didn't approve of public displays of affection.  He never had an affectionate pet name for me -- ever.  He never held my hand, or put his arm around me when we were seated side by side, or anything.  When I discovered his double life, I started reading his texts with various guys -- and they were all "Babe" and "Hon" and all that.  I was so incredibly angry -- I mean, I am angry about his denying me sex all this time, and forcing me to live a celibate life (while he secretly had pay-to-play relationships several times a week for decades).  He rationalized this, I don't know how, it makes me too angry to let him explain because it's such obvious BS.  It's hard to isolate the "most hurtful" part of what I've gone through, but for me, going without any visible signs of affection is up there in, say, my top five reasons I can't forgive him.  He's playing like he's just so stoic, and making me feel as if I'm weak and needy and undesirable, and all along there was the REAL reason he was hiding.  

 

April 23, 2019 8:20 pm  #9


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

walk,

"..He never held my hand, or put his arm around me.."         

That is just inhumane and cruel.   Its not normal or right on so many levels.  I can assure you are worth so much more.  and there are  men out there that would be proud to know you and treat you better.   Its so not true ..you are not weak or needy or undesirable.   Do not believe his words...  we did nothing to deserve this but love them.




 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

April 25, 2019 7:52 am  #10


Re: Your experience with lack of affection and intimacy?

Walk, that’s been my experience exactly. He’s always said he doesn’t like holding hands or saying I love you. He doesn’t like any kind of affection and acts like I’m crazy for wanting sex regularly. He is insulting and degrading as well. When I try to touch him at all he’ll even go so far as to slap my hand away. I have not found any proof of ssa like porn or anything but like you I’ve seen some messages with friends where he’s used the term baby, saying it was a joke. He also makes lots of “jokes” and flirtatious banter that could be just jokes but I’ve never seen straight man joke this way. I’m really not sure whether or not he is even totally conscious of his ssa yet. It’s just my gut feeling. I know some people don’t like tons of affection but to NEVER want to cuddle in bed? Never reach out for a hug? Refuse eye contact? Never feel the urge to use pet names or express love? It doesn’t make sense. When I first met him I thought he was just a non demonstrative person until he made a new friend at work and I saw him transform. It’s helpful to hear about your experiences with lack of intimacy and affection. I’ve felt confused for so long.

Last edited by Abusedandconfused (April 25, 2019 7:53 am)

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