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This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Accept?
Married30yrs wrote:
Does anyone have a marriage (Bi husband) that worked and it is NOT open?
My partner is bi (won't EVER call himself gay) and our partnership (34 years) is working but crumbling. I will never accept an open r'ship (this statement comes with a vomit emote) and demand monogamy. He puts more emphasis on "sex being the answer" to our problems.
There are couples out there who make it work I'm sure.
KIA KAHA
- Paraceleus
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Re: Accept?
Perhaps a key element of a sucessful mixed orientation relationship is that the inherent differences in the orientations are not irreconcilable to the individuals.
- Married30yrs
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Re: Accept?
I feel once I can trust him again that maybe I can see past this crap. I keep being told that I need to forgive for my well being but I can't do either right now. Just struggling to breath some/most days. He says it is only fantasies and fining guys attractive. That he would not do anything (else) while we were married. But....all that comes back to the trust thing. This crap is what made him go chat rooms and snapchat and whatever else. Bits & pieces keep popping up....everyday waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tied up in knots every time we go out in public.
A mermaid should not feel lke she is drowning.....
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Thread Starter- Married30yrs
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Re: Accept?
He wants me to accept him as bisexual (God I HATE even typing that word). A text he just sent me..."I'm not asking for a "hall pass". I just would like to be able to talk to you about it, (without causing a fight). I wish you were at a place where you didn't fin it/me disgusting."
A mermaid should not feel lke she is drowning.....
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Accept?
I feel once I can trust him again that maybe I can see past this crap. I keep being told that I need to forgive for my well being but I can't do either right now. Just struggling to breath some/most days. He says it is only fantasies and fining guys attractive. That he would not do anything (else) while we were married. But....all that comes back to the trust thing. This crap is what made him go chat rooms and snapchat and whatever else. Bits & pieces keep popping up....everyday waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tied up in knots every time we go out in public.
When two people have been married for as long as many of us on this Forum..trust has been grown, nurtured, expected and cherished for so long that I think it becomes an unthinking part of who we are.
For me, when that trust was broken, it was as if some visceral part of me...that living, breathing, loving depended on for the well-being of our relationship....had been torn from it.
Now the confidence in *us* is no longer there I'm able to say without a shadow of doubt I trust him no longer....and, for me, this has become another step in the journey of deciding who I am and where I belong.
I was, a year ago, as you are...struggling, tied up in knots, thinking "I've got to get outa here" then in the next breath "But this is where I belong"
Do you look him in the eye and tell him how you feel? When I got stronger in myself, stopped giving him the vulnerable parts of myself.....the crying, the pleading, the emotion....and truly started seeing that he could quite comfortably life his life with me but have totally different thoughts in his head that allowed him to still look at gay porn/shave himself/expect me to be okay with it that I realised trust in him was something I would never get back
KIA KAHA
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Accept?
It may be disgusting to you because he is pulling out the cornerstone of a straight relationship and wants you to carry it. Would you be disgusted if it was a relative or a friend or a coworker?.. given you are open enough to consider a MOM probably not. An additional perspective is that even if he were straight would you want him pointing out the women he found attractive when you were out together. That’s disrespectful of your relationship even if he’s straight. I’m no prude here, nor naive, my wife (I’m remarried) and I both know it’s human to notice that someone is attractive, but to point it out casually or make a sport or joke of it would just erode our intimacy which we treasure and guard.
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (May 29, 2019 2:33 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Accept?
He wants me to accept him as bisexual (God I HATE even typing that word). A text he just sent me..."I'm not asking for a "hall pass". I just would like to be able to talk to you about it, (without causing a fight). I wish you were at a place where you didn't fin it/me disgusting."
Yes.....you Married30yrs have to talk to him without his words and your apprehension triggering a fight. You have to tell him how you actually feel. He'll simply be telling you that "it'll be alright....I love you" but he'll never actually address the issue apart from the parts that affect him
So it has to be you that gets stronger....because he never will
KIA KAHA
- Married30yrs
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Re: Accept?
Ellexoh_nz & a_dad_straight_journey...thank you.
a_dad, my thoughts on the matter have always been...what someone else does in THEIR bedroom was their business not mine. It did not effect me. But this is NOW IN Y HOME....no I hate it. We both made comments in the past about others...Me - "Wow, she has gorgeous hair" or "He has great arms" or whatever. Him - Would make comments about women ONLY but not very often. Me - I appreciate others but do NOT want to F^&% them butt apparently he does in his "fantasies". I have never had fantasies about anyone but him. But apparently Im lying or I'm a prude. I value my marriage vows an what they stand for.
Waiting for his "list of wants" so I can then say "I'll try or HELL NO". Such a roller coaster of emotions. I'm trying to schedule an appt with a different therapist for me only. Hopefully this new one can help me from feeling like I'm drowning.
A mermaid should not feel lke she is drowning.....
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Accept?
I have set those guidelines on my husband. And so far he has about 4 months no gay or tranny porn. Its ok to set that guideline and leave if it is broken. I plan to.
Tyurk...I've just had a re-read of Married's thread and saw your post. I sometimes feel ignored when my comment isn't replied to, though I know it's difficult when threads are a conversation between several members.
How are you getting on?
KIA KAHA
- Married30yrs
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Re: Accept?
Tyturk....Totally agree, thanks. He can't be the only one "setting new rules"
Vicky, thanks...I have been exercising a LOT. Which has helped
A mermaid should not feel lke she is drowning.....
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Thread Starter