OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - Keepinghope
- Member
Offline
Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
I've noticed a lot of women on this forum and others referring to their ex husbands (especially GID ones) having new girlfriends or fiancées. I have been so careful not to out him publicly, but I absolutely hate to see any woman going through what I've just been through!
I'm considering changing my FB status to Str8 Spouse or sharing some articles about TGT, in the hopes that a smart woman would look up his ex wife on social media. I would be more than happy to show photos and proof to any woman who was getting involved with him if I thought it would help.
Do you think we have a moral obligation to tell? I sure wish someone had told me. How long can we let this horror perpetuate because of shame and silence?
Last edited by Keepinghope (September 3, 2016 8:47 pm)
- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
Changing your status like that is outing him. Should you out him? That's a tough question to answer because you have to live with yourself later. You could be truthful and just bring up infidelity as an issue. Post links to "signs you may be married to a cheater". You could even post Str8 links as in "I never knew or thought about this until recently." Subtle and true. Will a prospective new partner find you online? Your former spouse certainly won't point you out in a crowd.
We all would like to not see someone else go through this but would you be believed? Someone truly GID will use all sorts of excuses such as you creating "elaborate tales of revenge because he decided he couldn't stay in the marriage anymore because you're obviously such a raving control freak". I'm sure you get what I mean, I don't mean to imply you are unhinged or anything! Chasing someone down to warn them also sounds like you don't want him to be happy. There are pros and cons.
Ask yourself this? When you were being wined and dined, would you have believed an ex- with such a tale?
Last edited by Daryl (September 3, 2016 9:17 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Still Wondering
- Member
Offline
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
Oh, I struggled with that so much in the beginning. I told him I hope you're being honest with these people and letting them decide if they are ok with all the gay porn. But in the end, Daryl is right. No new girlfriend is going to believe the "crazy" ex wife.
One of my very good girlfriends (not so good anymore) even told me she was going to set him up with a girl she is an acquaintance with!!! I was like, are you friggin crazy??? Her response was: well, she seems a little weird so I figured they would be weird together. OMG. So you're going to tell some poor girl you barely even know to go out with a man who you know has given his wife herpes and whacks off to gay porn???? Yep, she sure was. People are weird. I give up trying to warn or help or inject myself into his life in any way anymore.
Now - that said, if I ever find out he's dating someone (which I don't think he has in a couple of years) and they find me and come to me and ask me as a normal person and not some crazy, jealous new girlfriend, I have decided that I will tell her: just please keep an eye on his computer, and I'll leave it at that. I don't out him but I also let her know that there are some things she needs to be aware of. All she has to do is do watch the computer and she will out him herself in less than a month. Problem solved.
- BryonM
- Member
Offline
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
I would also ask yourself this, and answer it honestly (not suggesting you are being dishonest, but to consider the possibility):
Are you doing it to help her, or are you doing it to get revenge on him?
To me, helping her would mean I'd seek her out to have a 1:1 talk with her directly; but posting it in a public space for anyone to come across (his boss? his co-workers?), in a vague hope that she might eventually stumble across it someday, sounds like a passive-aggressive form of outing him. At least, that's how it sounds to me. If you want to help her, then focus your attention on her.
Last edited by BryonM (September 9, 2016 4:48 pm)
"I have given you my soul, leave me my name!" - John Proctor, The Crucible
"Question everything you've been told; hold fast to what is true and good." - I Thessalonians 5:21
- Steve
- Member
Offline
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
In my experience most of these guys TELL their next girlfriend that their 'crazy ex' thinks they are gay. I suspect they think it's better coming from them than from you. It's just the next chapter of their denial.
It's a HUGE moral dilemma. Do you tell or don't you? My personal view is that if I KNEW my ex was cheating on his new partner... like I had PROOF... I'd find a way to tell her even if it was anonymously.
Just do it safely... so he does not know the information came from you.
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- Meg
- Unregistered
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
I'm struggling with this as well. My Ex is dating a nice girl who our 6-year old really likes. I feel horrible for not telling her. I hear people ask if I want to tell him to get revenge, but that's just not the case. I've been the target of so much retaliation from him and his family that the last thing I want to do is stir the pot. I feel selfish for not warning her.
I know the version of things my EX is selling because he tried to sell it to me recently... He's not gay or even bi, but struggling with same sex attraction stemming from seeing a guy masturbate when he was 12. He says that he is done experimenting with men and that he's only truly happy and satisfied with woman. That 6 months he spent banging every guy on craigslist was just him reenacting childhood trauma. The constant gay porn, secret sex toys, infrequent sex had NOTHING to do with our divorce and I just want to use it to relieve my guilt for tearing our family apart.
Did I mention that they are both very Christian? I know that he has her convinced I'm evil but would she be able to ignore actual proof? She may hate me and believe his BS for a while but maybe I could speed up this journey for her by showing her a few things she can't un-see... like his gay dating profile or the texts talking about CL hookups and then the texts of him trying to rewrite history and explain to me that he gave gayness a shot but that he really only loves women... that the last couple of times he slept with men were so horrible that he trembled and cried, poor baby.
Could I just send the gay dating profile anonymously?
- Still Wondering
- Member
Offline
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
You couldn't send any of his texts to her anonymously because he would know they came from you but there's nothing to stop you from making up a new email address and sending a link to his gay dating profile, if it's still active. If it's not still active and you're just sending screen shots then he would know it was you.
I'd tread carefully here. People do strange things when they are cornered. If he does realize it's you and he thinks you will end all of his new relationships then I'd fear for your safety. My ex was never a scary person and never ever violent but when cornered with the truth that the divorce was imminent, he exhibited some very concerning behavior like pacing back and forth and writing quotes from self help books on the mirror with crayon. Strange shit. I think sometimes when people feel trapped or cornered, they go to a place where they have no control over what they are doing. Scary, but true.
If his profile is still active then it's conceivable that anyone at their church or someone who knows her could have seen it and wanted to warn her. Just be careful and make sure you want to open this can of worms.
- Judy
- Member
Offline
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
Hi Meg,
I have the same struggle after my husband of 46 years left me for a Gay man in a straight long term marriage. This man's wife is still in the dark. I first thought I would show her proof and tell her imagining it was my duty to do it. Then I thought perhaps it would make me a target of physical harm and after all, is it my duty or not. 7 months have passed since I found out and thew him out. I guess I don't feel the need so much anymore but I do feel very sorry for her. All that time her husband is spending working on a hobby with my ex isn't that at all. They've been in a relationship for 13 years. Neither felt any sort of compassion for involving me-a straight woman in it. It's just their right to do it. No empathy. The other man isn't leaving the other straight wife for my ex either 
He's staying in the marriage. Terrible integrity!
So all in all, I think it's better to let them find out themselves. I'm not inclined to put myself at risk for retaliation and I don't think you should either.
Meg wrote:
I'm struggling with this as well. My Ex is dating a nice girl who our 6-year old really likes. I feel horrible for not telling her. I hear people ask if I want to tell him to get revenge, but that's just not the case. I've been the target of so much retaliation from him and his family that the last thing I want to do is stir the pot. I feel selfish for not warning her.
I know the version of things my EX is selling because he tried to sell it to me recently... He's not gay or even bi, but struggling with same sex attraction stemming from seeing a guy masturbate when he was 12. He says that he is done experimenting with men and that he's only truly happy and satisfied with woman. That 6 months he spent banging every guy on craigslist was just him reenacting childhood trauma. The constant gay porn, secret sex toys, infrequent sex had NOTHING to do with our divorce and I just want to use it to relieve my guilt for tearing our family apart.
Did I mention that they are both very Christian? I know that he has her convinced I'm evil but would she be able to ignore actual proof? She may hate me and believe his BS for a while but maybe I could speed up this journey for her by showing her a few things she can't un-see... like his gay dating profile or the texts talking about CL hookups and then the texts of him trying to rewrite history and explain to me that he gave gayness a shot but that he really only loves women... that the last couple of times he slept with men were so horrible that he trembled and cried, poor baby.
Could I just send the gay dating profile anonymously?
Last edited by Judy (October 14, 2016 5:10 am)
- Sherry
- Unregistered
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
I am only about 4weeks in to the horrible nightmare that is the truth of my life now. After many many many long exhausting hours of questions and answers and talking we have decided to work on our marriage and stay together. My case may be different than some, in that my husband says he wants to turn from this lifestyle. (Please don't bash me and say now I am in denial)
I think it is our duty to other married str8s, that are in our situation but do not know, to let them know! Why should we keep this secret?? Is it to save our own humility? I tell my husband that now he is UNburdened because he confessed but now I AM BURDENED by his secret. In all of my investigating I have found not only my husband is married but some of his partners were/are also married. I WANT TO SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS FOR OTHERS IN MY PREDICAMENT TO WAKE UP!!!! If for no other reason than health reasons....they need to be tested for diseases! But, I also want to spare them the many years of pain, from the lying, wondering, self doubt, etc. the list is far too long to put into words. I want so badly to set up sting operations and post pictures of these (in my case) men, whom their unsuspecting, or agonizingly wondering wives think they are at work, or shopping for their family, or on a boring business trip. I want to setup website to expose the scum that we married, that are the fathers of our children. They have kept those that have loved them in the dark, and I think it is time to bring their horrid secrets to the light.
Do I think you should tell the new "victim"?? HECK YES, I DO!! You even said, "You wished someone had told you." Maybe she won't believe you, in fact she most likely will not because her judgement is clouded by love and his outstanding ability to cover up. But you HAVE TO TELL HER. plant the seed at least. It may save her some years of pain because she will be enlightened by your truth. Sorry this is so long.
- Séan
- Unregistered
Re: Shouldn't we warn their new unsuspecting girlfriends?
Thank you for sharing Sherry. I'm so sorry you're suffering and I truly hope that, post-disclosure, things improve with your relationship. When struggling with these kinds of issues, I like to step back and think about how I'd feel if I were on the other side. Try to imagine receiving an anonymous text, email or perhaps a telephone call from some unknown woman who told you, "Your husband is gay. He's sleeping with my husband. And you should get tested for sexually transmitted infections." I'm not sure how contacting other straight spouses will help you gain peace and serenity in your current situation. The few times I've been the whistleblower, I've always been attacked for sharing the truth. I've never heard 'thank you' from anyone. I'm inclined to think you have A LOT on your plate at the moment and don't need more drama. I hope that helps in some way.