Hi Gonzo,
Sadly, I too experienced gaslighting from a family member growing up. I think it conditions you to accept it as 'normal' when you come across it again later in life.

I've also come to believe my last relationship which lasted for several years may have been with someone who was GID. And I thought my most recent interest was a really good match! What's wrong with my picker?! It's truly demoralizing to realize that you have embraced the initial lie which then sets you up for all the rest of the lies to cover it up. Why couldn't I see it when I've 'bought the T-shirt' before? I'm so sorry he was terrible to you. I just hope I've learned my lesson this time around. Being color blind with red flags isn't an option for me anymore.

I'll tell you one incident in my house.  

My daughter comes home from college over spring break.  She goes to get into her bed, throws back the covers, and there's a condom wrapper in her bed.

Gaslighting is when you pretend you have absolutely no clue how that got there.  It means the other people who live in the house have to fill in the blanks in this story in a way that could possibly make sense: that the house is unsafe, that strangers crept in, that some flooring contractors who were working here sneaked into the room ... you want to see a poor innocent kit scared of her own shadow?  Because to a teenager, their bedroom is sacred.  Their bedrooms are sanctuaries, and the idea that someone can come in and defile your bed without your knowing it, is horrifying.

I accused the flooring contractors, because they were the only possible explanation -- even though there were logistical issues that made it a really improbable explanation.

They, being wrongfully accused as we now know, in turn accused my daughter of having sex and then lying about it.

Most fathers, knowing their daughter was being wrongfully maligned about things as sensitive as that, would have spoken up for her.  My husband probably figured he was home free: everybody suspects that little brat!

Classic gaslighting.

Last edited by walkbymyself (March 24, 2019 6:39 pm)

Most fathers, knowing their daughter was being wrongfully maligned about things as sensitive as that, would have spoken up for her.  My husband probably figured he was home free: everybody suspects that little brat!

Hi walkbymyself,
Your poor daughter, I hope she has realized her father was the culprit and has forgiven you. I can well imagine how violated she must have felt. What a COWARD her father was.
I often wonder if my adult children have avoided committing themselves to long-term relationships because of the violation of trust they witnessed between their parents. My son had a girl who, I am sure, genuinely cared for him. After 7 years of dating, he broke off the relationship, after living together for a few months....  I had noticed he wasn't treating her with the respect she deserved.
 

OH that Doris Day slap is hilarious!!!  And the lengths these people go to to deflect are incredible.  Here is my take on Gaslighting for Beginners complete with a definition - the link below will take you to it - written for your reading pleasure....and to discharge my considerable angst at 27 years of it!!!  With big kudos and credit to Kel whose analogies she wrote about here a few years ago.

https://medium.com/@plwsheffield/dating-non-and-hetero-mixing-it-up-468573c3228d

 

Last edited by Leah (March 28, 2019 11:02 pm)