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March 7, 2019 6:12 pm  #1

Is she or isn't she?

I have been agonizing over this question for quite some time.

My marriage has been off the rails for over a decade. After we conceived our second (and last) child, my wife's libido dropped to zero. We both have suffered from depression and have been on anti-depressants. When I asked her to talk to her doctor about it the doctor suggested that she drop her anti-depressant dosage and see if that had any effect. Nothing as far as libido was concerned but her depression symptoms got substantially worse and basically showed us that lowering her medication dosage was not an option.

I got the feeling that sex had become a chore for her. She seemed like she was trying "to be a good sport" and let me have my way with her, but it didn't seem to bring her any pleasure at all. It was like she was counting the spots on the ceiling and waiting for me to be finished so she could get back to reading her book. She explained that marriage changes over time, and that sex is just no longer a big deal to her. Her parents lived in separate bedrooms so that was what she was exposed to as a child.

I was worried that perhaps she had some sort of sexual trauma during her life. I asked her about that possibility and she emphatically denied ever having anything along those lines.

I was concerned that maybe there was some sort of physical condition that she was experiencing. She did not really show signs of arousal during intimacy. I didn't press the issue because I did not want to make her feel bad. But I thought it was strange that even digital penetration had no arousal response.

In an effort to reignite the spark in our marriage I asked if there was anything we could do. She and I mutually agreed to bring in some naughty movies but she added one strange condition, that they could only be all-girl movies. I downloaded a couple from the internet and she said she really did not like to see them performing oral on one another, but at the same time, I could hear her breathing rate increase and I could sense a full on arousal response. She became very much turned on.

Over the next months I would mix things up -- sometimes we would watch a movie, sometimes I would share pillow talk with fantasies involving other women having contact with her -- and in all of these cases, she would be very aroused. When I made attempts at "plain vanilla" sexual activity, she just did not respond in the same way at all.

I asked her about it and she said that she just enjoyed the fantasy part of things -- fun ideas to explore -- but not really wanting to pursue that in real life. I am not so sure that I am convinced.

We have had sex 3 times in the past 5 years. I feel that I need more intimacy in my life. I get the sense that she wants me more as a roommate -- someone to split the bills with and share house hold chores.

I have been to numerous therapists and they have all come to the same conclusion -- that I need to move on with my life on my own without her. I went into this marriage fully committed to "for better or worse" and truly love her. She is my best friend. Neither of us is happy, and I do not know what I can do to make her happy. I know that she loves me, but I wonder if she feels a romantic love toward me or love on a platonic level instead.

Last edited by Davin (March 7, 2019 6:28 pm)


March 8, 2019 1:12 pm  #2

Re: Is she or isn't she?

Hi Davin,

sex 3 times in the last 5 years

no libido since having had the children

likes girl on girl porn

um, what was your question?

sorry. we know how painful this is.

I haven't got anything helpful to say really other than confirm that she most certainly does appear to be gay.

and to confirm the correlation to the depression.  Personally I'm not so sure long term usage of anti-depressants is a good idea, isn't there likely to be side effects, but I didn't like them anyway - for me it was the way I felt, like I'd slipped on a banana peel - the detachment from my own feelings bothered me a lot.  I stomped off into the studio and picked up my clay - my version of art therapy.  and then I got divorced after a while.

One of the things that happened in that journey out of my depression was that I didn't stop caring about my partner but I had to put caring about myself first.  I just had to, and in retrospect I can see how much that changed things.  There is a basic imbalance in a MOM.  You desire her, she doesn't desire you.    i.e. you can engage romantically with her and she can't with you.  It is an imbalance that you cannot address while you are engaged romantically with her because you will always put her first but she cannot feel like that about you and she is still putting herself first.  So when I started putting myself first it equalised the relationship and I emerged from the shadows of the closet walls.

maybe the question isn't so much is she gay or not as it is a question of why after all this time are you still even needing to get an answer, why hasn't she given you a satisfactory answer herself?



March 9, 2019 11:42 am  #3

Re: Is she or isn't she?

Lilly's closing statement makes me think about something I've seen stated in numerous ways on this forum. Maybe the main thing to focus on isn't really if she is or isn't gay. Maybe the more important question is: Is this relationship unacceptable to you?

I am sorry for the situation you are in Davin. I hope you make progress towards a better and more fulfilling life.



March 9, 2019 5:47 pm  #4

Re: Is she or isn't she?

Hi ThisSeason, nice to see you here, how are you going?

yes I have seen that too - 'forget the gay it's the lying and cheating I can't take' is often said.  I have never been one to say gay doesn't matter though, it's a hopeless problem in the marriage, painful and unfixable.  And it doesn't go away.

What's wrong with being gay my friend demanded of me when I was getting divorced (I'd already told her he was gay) and I replied nothing unless you're married to him.  Oh.  For a few minutes she got it.  But she was friends with my ex and had been talking with him so her next comment was but he isn't gay!!!  yes he is, I reminded her of a few salient points.  Oh.  But what's wrong with being gay, she asked again.  Around the mulberry bush we go.

Davin is not getting a straight answer from his wife.  He describes it as agonising (boy can I relate to that).  

It seems to me to be very clear from his post that he has seen enough that he can conclude his wife is gay even though she's not admitting to it.  

So what helped me was to remind myself - yes he is gay, have confidence in my conclusion, and I gave myself the comfort of not questioning it any more and finally I turned it around and asked why didn't he tell me, why the denial, why string me along for so long?

'who is this masked woman I married' is the next question that needs answering.

It is difficult to hoe a straight line in the face of gay in denial.  Not the least because as soon as you make headway - and most posters are at that point when they arrive here - then you get 'love-bombed' back into place.  It's 'rinse and repeat' though.



March 9, 2019 9:15 pm  #5

Re: Is she or isn't she?

Rinse & repeat. Isn’t that the truth.

Question:  anyone ever have their husband/male significant other tell them the viagra found wasn’t for sex, but for masturbation. 😡 Gaslighting @ Work????!!!!


March 10, 2019 8:33 pm  #6

Re: Is she or isn't she?

Thank you for all of your responses! This has been a very difficult journey for me. I have wanted my suspicions to be misguided or off base. I have searched for years for the reasons that all of this was my fault, that I was somehoe to blame for this, and feeling that maybe this was just my cross to bear in life. I have not wanted to come out and accuse her of it directly in case I misread something but I am feeling validated by the responses you all have shared with me.

I have come to the conclusion that I deserve better. If I had received full disclosure at the beginning, then all of this  would have been on me. I fully disclosed all of my dirty laundry (and there was plenty of it) and she accepted me anyway, but she knew precisely what she was getting into. I, on the other hand, was not given the same courtesy of full disclosure and at this point I think that is a deal breaker.

Thank you one and all for your support and encouragement. Thank you for sharing your stories and insight. Thank you for being frank and direct with me. Thank you for telling me things as you see it, and not what you think I want to hear. Thank you for caring and sharing.

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