OurPath Open Forum
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- Sren1027
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
You may be right. I may get to that point one day but for now I’m going to see what happens. We both hope we can make it work like this and if it’s not working and I continue to feel like that I’ll make him stop. Believe me I’m not trying to live some fairytale life and pretend everything is going to just fine but it’s going to take work and communication on both ends.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
vicky wrote:
Ellexoh, I'm not sure it's just guys who think they're sexual creatures, I've always enjoyed sex and lots of it. To be completely honest the thought of online chatting is sort of exciting. However the thought of someone else seeing my post-babies almost 40 year old body is horrifying LOL.Vicky
Of course it's not, and I didn't mean to infer that. It's being 'sexual creatures on the same wavelength with the same understanding and empathy' and to use an analogy....who can change station to become scrambled....that makes us become at odds with our spouses
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
You may be right. I may get to that point one day but for now I’m going to see what happens. We both hope we can make it work like this and if it’s not working and I continue to feel like that I’ll make him stop. Believe me I’m not trying to live some fairytale life and pretend everything is going to just fine but it’s going to take work and communication on both ends.
The Forum is always here Sren 
And you're correct...
communication
communication
communication
KIA KAHA
- Sren1027
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
Feeling down today. We went out to a nice dinner last night and talked some more then he received a message from some guy on the site he’s on and next thing I know he left to go meet him. He did tell me what they did and now today he’s been upset with himself for going. I’ve been upset too. I know I’m just as at fault for encouraging him to do this. But in the end I was hoping he wouldn’t. I just don’t know how I’m feeling about it today. Guess we’ll talk more about it and see.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
Feeling down today....
You're still in the deciding where you actually want to fit...in regards your r'ship.
Have you thought about who you can confide in, decided who you can share this with yet?
As a first step towards breaking free from somebody else' secret...it will give you strength
KIA KAHA
- Sren1027
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
I know and that’s the problem I have no one I can confide in. We talked about it and he doesn’t want to let any of our friends know. That’s why I’m on here as a way to vent. But I’m thinking I may eventually need to talk to a therapist or something. I really hate these up and down days.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
I know and that’s the problem I have no one I can confide in. We talked about it and he doesn’t want to let any of our friends know. That’s why I’m on here as a way to vent. But I’m thinking I may eventually need to talk to a therapist or something. I really hate these up and down days.
When you realise the one-sided and selfish way your partner wants your life to be.... you keeping his secret, and unhappily at that! it will become clearer to you that it can't continue without you having input into a situation that has this catastrophic affect.
When I decided I'd see a counselor...I looked at it as a chance to talk about me, and when I was comfortable with her I opened up about my partner. I did change counselors eventually to somebody who I felt easier with but it was making that first appointment, and realizing this is my life, not his...that helped me move forward
Look Sren...even if you decide to stay with this man..you need to work on yourself so you have the necessary skills and backup to bolster the decisions you make.
Read as much of the Forum and our stories as you can. We are ALL here to help
KIA KAHA
- Sren1027
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
You are 100% right I need to work on myself first I’m tired of coming second to this relationship. I need to let him know I matter and my feelings mean something. Thank you for making me realize that!!
But at the same time I think I need to seek professional help to help me along this journey and help me figure out where I fit in this life. If I do or if I need to move on.
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Thread Starter- YazPistachio
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
My partner also asked to have sex outside the marriage at the end if 2017. We inched closer towards it almost a year ago when he attended a gay men's sex party (he says he only watched, and I believe him). Despite my deep desire to be an accommodating, giving partner, this event ultimately triggered a massive mental health decline for me (it uncovered complex PTSD from childhood, involving a sense of feeling abandoned and not enough for him). We put everything on hold while I began my healing journey, which is still in it's early days. I now know for certain that I will damn near eviscerate myself to help him get what he wants, because that's what love meant to me as a child (anxious attachment disorder, leading to me negating my own desires and needs in favor of those of my loved ones). My partner now knows that it will be impossible for me to accept him having sex outside our marriage, and that even asking would put me into a position of having to destroy myself. He has decided that what we have together is worth far more than his fantasy fulfillment, and that participating in several gay-oriented social clubs is enough for him to feel seen and recognized as a gay man (which made him feel much more honest and authentic). He doesn't understand my equating love and sex (which I think is a guy thing... they are wired for no-strings-attached sex, but women have so much more to lose from pregnancy and disease, so we have evolved to only feel safe having sex with people we trust and love), but he has chosen to respect it as the "price of admission" for our partnership. Knowing that he has set aside his deepest desires to make me feel safe and loved really has helped me relax and appreciate what we have together. I would not be able to ask him to do that for me, but I think he knows I would not be able to stay with him if he asked again to have an open marriage... I barely survived the first time, and I would not sit around at home waiting for him while beating myself for being a bad partner. If I (and all my accommodations of his interests) am not enough for him, he is free to go explore and find what he wants, but it would be the end of our marriage. I didn't reach this conclusion overnight, though. I highly encourage you to get into counseling asap... both individual and couples. You need to figure out your boundaries and needs, and then he needs to decide if he can live with them... and vice versa. Good luck to you!
- YazPistachio
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Re: My husband is bisexual and I need someone who I can talk to
"But in the end I was hoping he wouldn’t."
This was it in a nutshell! When I broke down after the party... he didn't get it at all. I said that I couldn't believe he went through with it, after seeing how upset it made me. But he was so excited about it, and I was trying so hard to hide my sadness, that it just didn't register on his radar. Now I know I need to take responsibility for not standing up for my own needs, EVEN THOUGH I would never, in a million years, have done something that clearly upset him just to have some fun in my own. I thought that because I wouldn't do it to him, that he wouldn't do it to me. And that's when expectations turn ugly... he didn't know, I didn't tell him, and it went downhill from there.
I didn't want to be the reason he COULDN'T have sex outside our marriage. I wanted to be the reason he DIDN'T.
Now that he understands this vital distinction, we are in the same page together. Our level of honesty and appreciation for each other is at its highest since we got together 20 years ago. It's still hard some days, and I still have a long way to go. But right now I do believe my marriage is a good thing in my life, not a knife twisting in my guts that I have to learn to tolerate. It has made all the difference in helping me decide whether or not I want to put effort and resources into saving it.