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February 16, 2019 7:16 pm  #1


Can't tell if she's gay, or just gay "for now".

My live-in LX (common-law but not officially married) came out late last year and ended our long term relationship. We're still trying to make our home life work because we're still very close. She has since gotten a new girlfriend, but I know they already have some major issues, many of which seem really unstable. Despite that, she wants to enjoy their relationship "right now" and not make long term plans. I think she's ignored some red flags because she wants her first experience with a woman to be fun and happy. But it seems to me like they would've been better as friends than lovers.

Meanwhile, she says things that make me think she still sees a future with me: In the past month she's expressed that I'd be her perfect partner if only I was a woman, that she has no idea if her sexuality might be fluid in the future, she was hesitant to say no when her girlfriend asked if we'd get back together (and seemed on the fence about it ever happening), and that she ideally wants to live with me as long as possible. All of this leads me to believe that this could just be an experimental phase, and that she wants to keep the door open until she figures out if this is permanent. That, or she doesn't know what she really wants, and she's confused.

I know I can't move forward hoping that this is a phase or that her sexuality will shift again. I can't heal that way. I also accept that her orientation is something she needs to explore, and I can't do anything about that, so I'm doing more things for myself and focusing on my career while still keeping our close friendship intact. But I can't help wanting to keep that option for a future, even if I don't actively pursue it. Is it wrong to leave the door open for the potential of something new, while still trying to pursue my own life? Does it seem like she's confused about me, or are these doubts just a part of the journey of dealing with a newly found sexuality? 

Last edited by someheavyocean (February 16, 2019 7:20 pm)

 

February 16, 2019 7:35 pm  #2


Re: Can't tell if she's gay, or just gay "for now".

"This could just be an experimental phase": Or it could be that she's just keeping her options open and doesn't care about how this affects you.  How about this: she wants to experiment, you separate.  Maybe even divorce.  And then if she decides that it's you she wanted all along, you can decide then whether that seems like something you want.
  As is, your post is all about HER; what about YOU and what you want and what's acceptable to you? Are you a consolation prize?  Are you the fallback position?  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 16, 2019 7:36 pm)

 

February 16, 2019 8:09 pm  #3


Re: Can't tell if she's gay, or just gay "for now".

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Or it could be that she's just keeping her options open and doesn't care about how this affects you.

She definitely does care. She checks in on my feelings often, and reminds me a lot of how important I am to her. She's made it very clear that our breakup wasn't my fault, and that needing to be with women was something that grew in her mind until she realized she'd be miserable with me if she never got the chance to find out. So I wonder if those things she's been saying are because her first experience isn't quite what she hoped it would be. 

How about this: she wants to experiment, you separate.  Maybe even divorce.  And then if she decides that it's you she wanted all along, you can decide then whether that seems like something you want.

Good suggestion, and that's pretty much where I am with this. Like I said, I know I have to move forward without hanging onto a future with her, because I realize that might never happen.

I'm mostly just wondering if leaving the door open for potential with her seems healthy or not, and if it sounds like that's what she's doing too.

     Thread Starter
 

February 16, 2019 8:29 pm  #4


Re: Can't tell if she's gay, or just gay "for now".

Things will probably look different to both of you after some time apart.  Distance tends to allow you space and time for perspective that harder to come by when you're living together.  I know it's hard not to want to figure everything out now, because certainty is what is wanted, but you'll need to stay a little open and watch yourself and her as time passes.  

 

March 11, 2019 1:54 pm  #5


Re: Can't tell if she's gay, or just gay "for now".

I understand the struggle. I would suggest trying to live life as if you are putting her in the rear view and seeing what you can do to be happy without her. If she comes to win you back, you can decide then if you want to give her that chance.

I believe a lot of us straight husbands do ourselves a massive disservice by being too understanding and nice to our gay wives/exes. I definitely lump myself into that category but I am trying to improve in that area.

 

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