See if he'd be open to going to counseling with you. You may have to admit that you saw his browser history, even if it's somewhat of an invasion of privacy (but you're married, so neither of you should be keeping secrets). 

If he doesn't want to actually go through with anything with a guy outside of watching porn, you can tell him that you accept his fantasies. But if he wants to carry out those fantasies in real life, you have to set boundaries with him, and be clear that if he breaks those boundaries you can no longer be together. 

I'm sorry you are finding yourself here, ongoingthoughts.  I've recently found myself here under very similar circumstances.  My husband also admitted to being bi-sexual when drunk and it was a complete and utter surprise.  He also admitted that he was watching gay porn, straight porn, and trans porn, and also says that he doesn't ever want to act on his desires with other men and gives me the "I'm choosing you" line and states that he wants to grow old with me.  He also swears he has not cheated, and at this point I still want to believe him, and while I think this is probably true, I do have my doubts seeing as he has kept so much of himself a secret from me for so long.  

I don't know if I can offer a lot of valuable advice, as I'm still wading through this mess myself, but it is important to make yourself a priority and to try to take care of and protect yourself.  I would suggest finding someone to talk to.  Take a step back and try to observe your life more objectively and listen to your intuition.  While my husband's disclosure was truly a shock to me, when I go back and review our lives together with new eyes I do see the signs of our disconnects when they happened with more understanding.  Don't be afraid to state what you need for yourself.  I also wish my husband would just come out and believe, probably erroneously, that this would make divorce less painful.  The thought of him continuing this charade with another woman drives me insane, but the bottom line is that it shouldn't matter to me one way or the other, because I cannot live his life for him, and trying to navigate through what is real and what isn't with him anymore is a no win situation. One of the things that has been very hard for me, is that my husband seems to think that sex and affection will somehow convince me that everything is ok and we will be fine, but it is simply making me more aware of the disconnect and distance between us.  It is very easy to get drawn into wanting to protect them when we see their pain, because we love them, but we have to be careful not to let our love for them be a weakness that can be used against us. 

Your statement that you know your husband loves and cares for you struck a chord with me.  I've struggled with that as well in my own relationship.  While I have no doubt that my husband loves me immensely, I realize that it isn't the same kind of love that I felt for him.  I love my family and friends immensely, but sex and intimacy are important.  Trust is important.  I don't want to be with him because he is afraid to be honest with himself or others.  I don't want to live my life with a partner that doesn't show me their true self, and it is hard not to feel betrayed when our partners have withheld so much of who they are from us.  Don't be surprised if more distressing news comes to light as time goes on.  This seems to happen in a variety of ways for people who post here.  While it is difficult to discover all of this, and while the initial discovery of it all is overwhelming and painful, it can be illuminating to finally see your own life as it truly is so that you can make the best decisions for yourself moving forward.  Things are still very much up and down for me, but I am trying to prepare myself to move forward on my own if I need to, which helps me feel more empowered, because I also do not want to stay with him based on my own fears.  It also pains me to think that my marriage could continue, but only if my husband ignores a part of himself and if I pretend not to know that I am not truly what he desires.  Perhaps I am naive, but I don't think happy marriages should require such sacrifices on either partners' part.  I want an authentic life.

I know I have hoped to find others posting here that had partners come out to them as bi sexual who maintained a happy and healthy marriage that didn't involve an open marriage.  I haven't found those posts yet, but maybe they are out there somewhere.

Last edited by FML (February 20, 2019 6:34 pm)

FML, thank you so much for your response. I think we are in the same situation. I feel like I'm stuck in a hard place, do I believe him that he's bi or do I forever think he's gay? He's also had a lot of health problems and undergoing new medication. I hate to see him going through all this by himself, I want to be there for him, I want to be with him during this new journey but I have everything else going on in the back of my head. I want to stay to help him, to be there. 

He's been trying to hard to make things better in a very sincere way, it's just hard to know what to believe and know what he's really thinking. I recently found a journal and he's been writing how he wished I would believe him and he's been telling me the truth. But his computer history tells a different story (gay movies and nude males). What do I believe?

What are you doing in your marriage? Are y'all divorcing? What's y'alls end or have you not gotten there yet

Walkbymyself, you are right, with everything. We've had this conversation before, I told him he wouldn't like what he's doing to me and he said that he wouldn't care if I was looking at gay porn, was attracted to women, etc because he knew it wouldn't affect our relationship. He doesn't really see the big problem. He said it's just something I know that no one else does. 

Who knows what's real and when am I going to find out? When is it finally time to end everything?
 

I filed for divorce last August, after spending eight months trying to figure out a way to make the marriage work.  My husband was shocked and stunned.  He had just assumed that we'd worked everything out and now we were going to go back to normal.