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October 14, 2019 5:34 am  #11


Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Thanks for sharing your experiences.  I'm wondering what does one do when he will not be truthful about the secret life he is living.  I came across credit card charges for Hotel night/ restaurants when he is supposed to be working EXTRA.  Then I came across the web history that he is constantly on Gridr and Scrub (gay websites).  What do I do? Just confront him? Don't I need "evidence" for court?  I mean I don't think I could compete with another man.  Private detective?  I just don't know how to proceed and each day with his is like a prison sentence.  Having to continue on living our happy married life together when it is convenient for him.  

 

October 14, 2019 8:14 am  #12


Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

There is nothing you can do to force him to admit the truth.  What you can do is ask yourself: is this situation/marriage as it exists ok with me? 

Two first steps for you:  1) Make an appointment with your doctor to be tested for STIs, and 2) Make an appointment with a lawyer so you can find out what the laws are in your area (state or province, etc).  What you need--or if you need--evidence to divorce the lawyer can let you know.  If you live in a no-fault state, evidence of homosexual activity might give you the upper hand in negotiations if he wants to keep his secret life secret.  Make copies of those hotel receipts and take screen shots of his web history.  

If you are definitely set on divorce, then play your hand close to your chest at present.  

 

October 19, 2019 2:01 am  #13


Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

I'm with Leah (read her article on the Medium website: I'm not allowed to post the link, sorry) in not wasting too much energy trying to figure out if they're gay exactly, or bi, or experimenting, or what. If we don't feel honored, loved completely, respected and adored (whatever you envision true love to be), we need to get out. I'd be oversimplifying things to say I'm just 5 days in to my own discovery phase. I had a huge foreshadowing of this BGNB (Big Gay Nuclear Bomb) 12 years ago (before we were even dating). As my own childhood trauma conveniently does, I compartmentalized this knowledge into a very tiny speck of space in my memory. This built-in trauma feature paved the way for me to enter into this toxic relationship 9 years ago. I'm very good at erasing terrifying information from my memory. I've even done it with a medical diagnosis. Eventually it all percolates up to the surface. In short, I think we should all give ourselves a big break for ending up with narcissistic turds and instead acknowledge how amazing we are. This sh-t is not for the faint of heart!

Last edited by michelle (October 19, 2019 6:05 pm)

 

October 19, 2019 5:40 pm  #14


Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

I think if they tell the truth then they’re admitting it to themselves and then they’ll have to deal with it, and they really don’t want to do that. What they want is for somebody else to deal with it for them.

It’s taken me 15 years ( including 7 years of marriage) to work this out.

My STBXH wanted us to divorce online and on the cheap. What he really wanted to do was manipulate me into doing things his way. I realised that I needed a solicitor to get what’s best for me, and although it would cost me more financially, it was an investment in my future health and happiness and therefore worth every penny. I (naively) hoped that as we were going through a legal process with legal professionals that he might actually tell the truth, but no, I have found myself being triggered all over again by his constant lying and need to hide things from me.

To all his friends I will be the most evil, unfeeling and unsupportive person on the face of this earth, but, just as he has done to me, he will eventually show his true colours to them. I have to learn to accept that as long as I know the truth - and I’m 100% certain there’s much, much more that went on that I’m unaware of -  then that is all that matters to me.

 

October 21, 2019 8:25 pm  #15


Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Thank you all for your responses.  It is so infuriating and its breaking me emotionally that I just want closure to this but afraid of his reaction when I do confront him about it because I'm sure he will deny it.  he's a successful man and "his family" is part of his success so i know that he will deny it all even if I have evidence BUT i cannot continue on like this.  I need closure and need to move on

 

October 22, 2019 12:00 pm  #16


Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Dear boy mom,  

Closure when your spouse is in denial is really difficult to get because you are still looking for something from your GID spouse.  If he will not own and take responsibility for his actions, then you are just going to waste a lot of energy there confronting him with a situation he does NOT want to change.  He wants to keep you, in the dark, and once you shine a light on his behaviour you are a threat.  Be careful and so take steps to protect yourself financially, legally and emotionally before you engage with him.  If you have proof, then you know enough.  If he is treating you badly and you are feeling you do not want to stay in a relationship with a man who is untruthful and cheating on you, then YOU have to make that decision.  It is such a difficult thing.  I have to be thankful in a way that my GIDX had left the home and started the divorce for me.  I don't think I could have done it.  Many here are so strong.  You can be too.  Listen to your heart and know your feelings are valid.  Even if he will not validate them for you.  He cannot admit anything that implicates him and shakes his self image.  My GIDX is the same.  He would turn it all on me in a minute and leave me emotionally battered.  It just is better to really look at what you want and know you cannot change him.  If you could, then lots of people here would not have the stories they do.  Sad, but true.  

Good luck!

 

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