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February 13, 2019 12:14 pm  #1

Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Hello, I'm new to posting on forums but here I go... 

About 5 months ago I caught my husband looking at nude male images and asked him about it, he lied at that moment. Later that night I asked him again about it when he was drunk. He took a long time (saying he didn't want to hurt me) to tell me but eventually told me that he was attracted to men and had been since High School and to the point that he thought he was bisexual. (Side note: he told me that he was bisexual in high school a while ago, but I just thought it was a high thing.) He said that he's repressed it for so long and it felt good to say it out loud. He was crying, I was semi-shocked but understanding, thinking we could live with it. He didn't stop crying the whole night and that's when I realized it was bigger than just being attracted to men. He wouldn't talk about it anymore and decided to get a hotel for a couple of nights. After those nights we talked and he sent me a text that he couldn't live without me and how much he loved me, etc. So I let him back in and we've (mostly me) have been struggling since. We have gotten into so many little fights, that ultimately I know have put distance in between us and have the elephant in the room. 

Since him telling me, he has denied being bi because "he doesn't want to do anything with a guy" and denied being gay. I have snooped at his computer history and have found gay porn (mostly images of men), movies of gay guys falling in love and purchased movies showing nude men. He doesn't know I've found all of this and now I'm lost for words. Whenever I ask him if he's gay he said no (of course), but it's gotten to the point that he doesn't want me to ask him anymore because I "don't believe" him and he gets upset. 

He's been showing a lot of love to me, kisses, caring for me, etc. so it's been hard to see past that and to know he's living a "double life" in a way. I have no doubt he loves me and cares for me, I just can't unsee the internet history. My dream at this point would be for him to finally come out of denial. I feel like a divorce and going through all this would be less painful if that happens. I love him so much and care for him deeply. I hate to see him in this situation and repressing so much.

I'd also like to wait until July (when we have a friend trip planned) before we do anything. So maybe in 5 months he'll get the courage to come out? Maybe we'll be drunk enough again and he'll talk? Are my expectations too high? Am I crazy? Any advice?

Last edited by ongoingthoughts (February 13, 2019 3:41 pm)


February 13, 2019 1:47 pm  #2

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

OMG I have so much to say on this post... if you like you can email me at and we can chat.
I've been doing my own searching and sleuthing and investigating, reading...blah blah blah.  There is so much to learn.  But the long and short of it is if you were bisexual wouldn't you take the easy road, choose a straight partner and suppress the rest.  It's easier all round, no coming out involved.  Even gay people don't understand why bisexuals don't just make up their mind.  It must truly be a hard situation to be in. 
I can't chat too much now because I got to get back to work.  I'll try to come back to this later.


February 21, 2019 8:30 pm  #3

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

I would love to see replies to this as well. My STBX (still learning lingo...I hope i got that right), will not come out. After 18+ years of finding gay porn, gay chats, bottles of viagra (he wasn’t using with me), and a 3+ affair with his “friend,” he finally now reluctantly admits he’s bisexual, but says he is definitely not gay (but our troubled sex life, or lack thereof rather, the past 18 years tells me different). He says he loves me more than anything. Says he could never be in a relationship with or love a man, it’s strictly sexual. Can he really believe this?? Is he knowingly filling me with a bunch of BS or can he truly be in denial?


August 2, 2019 10:50 am  #4

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Sounds so familiar.. Ive been looking for some proof. I hate what Ive become. I never was a jealous ,suspiciouse person untill I feel in love with a gay man. He tells me I imagine things or make them up. Why would I want to bring myself unnecessary problems.Ive wasted too many years with him,being the beard he needs to hide his true IDENITY. Why cant I leave?  Financially it easier to stay. He is a nice guy who can be thoughtful and is nice to my family. Our sex life is a joke. No passion, no foreplay or kissing, just mechanical. I am starved for intimacy. He says we have sex more than anyone he knows. Its not so much the frequency as it is the quality. Its always been this way. We never even had good sex in the begining. Ive always been the one to initiate it and I felt he forced himself to. I should have just stopped having it all together. I even told him that but for some reason he said no. Whats up with that? Its obvious he isnt attracted to me. I dont know weather to just give up and be roommates or what to do. I know Im not happy but how do I leave. I want proof I need something to prove my gut feelings. Ive tried for almost ten years to make something out of this relationship, but I know I cant make him want me if hes gay. I need honesty just fess up and quit living the lie.


August 12, 2019 8:26 pm  #5

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Daniss, I had proof via one FB post which he deleted pretty quickly after I confronted him. He stayed in that closet for dear life.

If you take him at his word that he’s straight, would you still want to be in that marriage? If the answer is no, that’s plenty reason to leave.

There are ways to save money on the sly to get out. I read one woman would use the joint atm card for family shopping. She’d take out extra random amounts of cash during checkout- $10 one time, $20 another - so her spouse would be none the wiser. Saving for her freedom that way...

Thinking good thoughts for you.


August 26, 2019 11:49 am  #6

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

I am in a very similar situation currently to you. 
It's so difficult. I have wonderful friends and family to give me support but no one really understands how difficult this is.
I have found so much gay porn but he continues to deny everything. 
I want to be there for him and support him in this but he won't let me in. 
I am so conflicted. 


August 27, 2019 10:15 am  #7

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Sorry you are going through this.  If you still are intimate with your H, you may want to stop and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

If he’s looking at gay porn incessantly and exclusively, that is your proof.

A word of warning for those who have denying spouses. A sign I saw on his laptop was too many computer viruses. I used his laptop for IRS& state tax filings for a few years. That’s how I discovered the viruses. He knew to clear his pic cache and site visited history.

The US government places viruses on porn sites. It’s to track those looking at kiddie porn. Pornographers sell all types.


September 27, 2019 7:31 am  #8

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Sorry to hear you're going through this Ongoingthoughts.
I hope someday you'll come back and share with us. Hope you find the solution and are healed.



October 2, 2019 6:48 am  #9

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Come on!  Why won't they come out?  BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SUIT THEM!  Why come out when you can have all the benefits of straight cover?  Avoid homophobia, or be a real catch to those gay guys who think it a real fun game to sleep with married guys!  So much fun to be had.  Thrills and naughtiness galore.  And all while you are sitting in the dark empathising away.  And tearing your hair out in the shame and silence while they get all the sympathy for their 'struggle'  oh it just makes me so angry these days at times to hear all the suffering of the straight spouses.

Seriously I've been here myself.  MY GIDX is now remarried to a woman.  What a mindfuck after a 27 year marriage - oh honey it was just a phase.... and so here I am trying to figure out if he is gay... noooo people - just know that they are asshole liars.  That is all.  I wrote on medium about it... 5 reasons your GID spouse won't tell you....


October 2, 2019 7:58 am  #10

Re: Why Won't He Just Come Out?

Leah wrote:

... be a real catch to those gay guys who think it a real fun game to sleep with married guys!  So much fun to be had.  Thrills and naughtiness galore.  And all while you are sitting in the dark empathising away.  And tearing your hair out in the shame and silence while they get all the sympathy for their 'struggle'  ...

Indeed.  I saw in my husband's texts when he was boasting about his sexual prowess satisfying his wife ... and in reality he hasn't managed to make love to me once in over twenty years.  It's a status symbol, having a wife, for that subculture.

And your description of us "tearing our hear out" is more than mere metaphor.  I have fingernail gashes in my scalp when I wake in the morning.  It's called "trichotillomania" and it started when I made my discovery.


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