OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - Headhunglow
- New member
Offline
Help not reaching for the phone....
Hi I’m new here. Most days I’m still speechless after being confronted with finding out my huband had an entire secret relationship with a man for 2 years. Shock doesn’t quite cover it. We’ve (me) decided to separate. I love him dearly but...The Who, what, when, where, and whys are just too much. It’s honestly quite suffocating. I guess I’m here asking for advice on how to just put one foot in front of the other. The sadness is overwhelming. I’ll add by trade i am a Clinical Social Worker and I’m desperately trying not to social work myself. How did you all begin the process of just getting out the bed in the morning? I reach for the phone 50 times a day to call him with just the randomness of life - like before...how did you all stop reaching for your former life? I know it gets better. I’ve counseled people, encouraged others, and i can’t find the words to say to myself. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
Having commitments to other things help, jobs, kids, even pets.
Then start following your interests and passions and get absorbed in them.
If possible, write his number down somewhere in case you MUST discuss something important, then delete it from your phone. On that same piece of paper, write yourself a note to make you evaluate WHY you want to call before you start dialing the number.
Hang in there, wishing you success.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Estella Oculus
- Member
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
Daryl offers great advice, especially re: his number. I'd also add: let yourself take the time you need to wean, especially after many years married.
I did an exercise this past fall. Starting on the anniversary of D-day, I looked back at our texts and emails and wrote about what was happening then vs. now. I was mainly using it as fuel/motivation to get me through the mediation process, and also checking in to remind myself of how far I'd come in a year.
At first, I was surprised--At the time that we separated, I thought I'd cut out most contact. But nope: at first, I continued on, sometimes sounding totally as if nothing were happening (even though he was no longer living at the house). All these texts and emails were about our son, but I was still surprised to see how many there were. Then, gradually, as things worsened between us and it became clear he wouldn't be coming out, I actually started downshifting my contact with him much more significantly.
You can do this, but you should also let yourself adjust. We don't function like light switches--and that's probably good.
I found the Straight Spouse Voices podcasts really great company, too, and helpful in thinking about what is/was to come.
- MMartin
- Member
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
Hello Hh,
I think you are doing something great for yourself, a good first step: to be here, telling us and posing such valuable questions as” how do you stop reaching for your former life” That resonated with me so much, because though you rationally know what you need, the power of habit, and the comfort that comes with it, it’s a strong pull. It’s hard to enjoy the present in a situation like this, so there is normally lots of looking back and fear of anticipated future. Stay in the present, there are many pieces missing, but you will find that new spaces are opening.
Last week I had a very bad day, me and my stbe work at the same place, but we have not make it official there yet. We don’t see each other, thank good is a big big place, but I was talking to some people we both know there and it hit me hard how we are just living together at this point, but are not partners anymore. I missed stopping by his area to say hi, And many other small and very powerful gestures.
I came home and was so tempted to tell him, to ask him if he ever misses me, but instead I ended up texting somebody I meet in my Ssn support group, and I felt sooo much better.
I can tell a friend that has not gone through this that I am still with urges to hold on to my former past, and they would Get it, but this person GETS it. The funny thing is after talking to my support group friend I realize I truly do not miss the life I had, but it’s impossible to break up at once with all the habits from those years, plus the loneliness!
Sending you strength and good vibes.
- Headhunglow
- New member
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
Thank you all for the replies. It helps to know someone, somewhere in the Universe gets it. Every day i am just trying to remember to breathe. Thanks again
- •
Thread Starter- phoenix
- Administrator
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
Hi Headhunglow.
One day in the future you will change your name to "Headheldhigh". We are going to help you get to that point. It's out there in the future even though you can't see it yet.
What you describe is very common for us. I'm no psychologist, but I'm sure there is some clinical term for our desire to communicate with our spouse. Because that person was such a huge part of our life we feel the need to continue with normalcy.
Here's some advice I've heard given here often.
Go ahead and make the communication in whatever way you feel best - but don't send it to your spouse/ex/soon-to-be-ex, etc. So if you are used to a phone call.. dial your own number and then speak the words into your voice mail as though you were talking to him. When your mailbox is full then delete them all. if you are used to text messages - text yourself and say what you would normally say to him. If it's emails - type the emails as though you are sending to him, but put your own email or a fictional email.
For now this will help you emotionally to communicate and outlet what you need to, even if you are not getting a reply it will still be good for you.
Later when your desire to communicate is no longer the random mundane parts of life - but rather it's your desire to breath fire and anger at him - use the same method.. type it out, but don't send it. Write it out on paper but burn it or throw it in the garbage.
Going no contact with him will help you heal much more quickly. It is essential!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- walkbymyself
- Member
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
Hi Hh,
I'm glad you've found your way to us. I think in the very beginning it helps to try to stick to "one day at a time" thinking -- just stick with getting through today, and if that's too difficult, get through the next hour. If the best you can do is get out of bed in the morning, consider that your goal for the day.
I remember thinking I had scored a major victory when I managed to set a goal for myself -- getting my laundry done, folded, and put away -- and I actually accomplished it. In the beginning, think in terms of setting simple goals each day, and try to make them manageable.
My Discovery Day came in increments -- one small clue in December, followed by some investigation, one confrontation, and a final discovery that was the breaking point in terms of my ability to continue in the marriage. So it started a little over a year ago, but I realized yesterday that I'm not crying every day any more. I still do cry, and get the waves of nausea, but it's far more sporadic than it was a year ago.
So hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other, don't look too far into the future.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Headhunglow
- New member
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
Thank you for the kind words. It helps. I like the one foot in front of the other mentality. It helps me remember I’m still alive. The sadness is so overwhelming. I know it’s a day by day kinda thing but can i just skip to the credits...I’ll add he seems relieved now that i know, which makes this really hard. Really hard.
- •
Thread Starter- Mimi
- Member
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
Hi HeadHungLow
Mornings are the worst and I totally feel you. But like everyone said here, plan your days daily. Make small goals. Stop yourself from reaching out to him. Give yourself a 3 day assignment on not to call or text him no matter what. Then see how you feel. You are grieving over a life you had. Its normal. I sometimes go hug my GID husband, hoping to feel the life I used to know. Searching for the husband I thought I knew. Its natural. You are only human.
- Headhunglow
- New member
Offline
Re: Help not reaching for the phone....
I think i can say this here possibly even share that it made me smile. I am finally appreciating the breathe app on my Apple Watch. Just when i think I’m going to suffocate, i get a pop up on the watch reminding me to breathe for 1 min...now i know why i bought this thing 
- •
Thread Starter