I am 62, still married to my GH - found out in 2009 from discovering computer porn .  Ten years of shock, PTSD and other agony.  Son is 25, 15 when it happened  I would really like to talk to other women my age in this situation because EVERYONE is telling me to get divorced, and I just can't.  I want my family to remain intact, even though I have to admit there is nothing left that looks like a marriage, but there are remnants of a friendship, some respect, and a shared history.  People are telling me I am like an abused woman who won't leave a wife batterer.

I am older now than you ladies but had just turned 59 when he found the man he thought was the love of his life and bolted out of the closet. We separated six months later with him moving to an apartment. When the market improved we sold the house and divorced a year later.

We both had attorneys and worked through them to amicably settle the finances. Initially the separation  was rough because while the son who was out on his own took the initiative to seek counseling the one in college refused to see one and was angry at his father to the point of rebuffing all contact with him. The anger made life harder for him and for me as I tried to rebuild my life. Over time as he saw me taking care of myself and his father began to mature that son also came to accept the new family dynamics. I am cordial now to my ex and his new partner and when our sons are here we do things with them as well as separately.

Do I miss him? No. Seeing him interact with his partner I see the same inattention that he displayed with me and than I accepted for 30+ years. I have realized since he left how much my behavior was focused on trying to keep him from being in a bad mood. Children move out and how "intact" any family remains depends on how involved the members want to be. Divorce is between two people and it does not have to be or stay acrimonious.

I really appreciate all of these thoughtful insights from so many in their midlife years.  And yes, I now think of 50-65 as midlife!  Go us!  Thank you for the hope and also the shared feelings of what this might mean.  It is so messy.  Today I especially appreciate Abby’s insight that things are changing anyway, as children move out.  Having been a SAHM, I have some genuine concerns about financial stability.  But I trust I can figure things out.

I love the name Mrs. Beardsley!  I too had years of suspicions that then turned into reality and also the years of feeling sullen and resentful because I knew something was not right.  Welcome to the club no one wants to join.  
Kids are resilient.  Don't beat yourself up.  We just do the best we can as parents.  Like the Larkin poem says "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had. And add some extra, just for you."