OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- SuperChimp
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My head is spinning
Hello everyone,
I'm a mid-20s guy, and I'm struggling to come to terms with my wife coming out as a lesbian to me. I've been married a little over a year and we've been together for 5 years. Last December my wife and I opened up to each other and had a lot of good honest discussions. It was nice to clear the air, but also painful to hear about everything that had been going wrong for so long.
I've struggled with depression for a long time, and I tend to abuse marijuana or get hyper focused on school and work in order to cope with my depression. As a consequence of my depression, I wasn't able to offer my wife sex as often as she'd like, not even close. She told me that at a certain point she trained herself to stop trying to initiate sex because of how I would often not be interested. She told me I was a great person but I felt like a roommate. It's painful to think about how much I've let her down in our relationship, and this is the only serious relationship I've ever had.
We started the process of an open relationship, which turned into her having an intense, lustful relationship with a woman she works with and me feeling lonely, inadequate and left out. Since then she has slowly come to the realization that she's just gay. This is particularly difficult for her, because her family is conservative and not accepting of the LGBT community.
We're trying to work things out. We're both getting into therapy, and I'm really enjoying that process, but she's struggling to find someone she likes. We've talked about keeping the relationship going, but I don't know if I can without sex and genuine affection. I would feel strange being a 'cover guy' so that her family wouldn't have to know about her sexuality.
For now, I'm trying to continue doing well in school and taking care of myself. I started working out and eating better as well as tapering down on marijuana use. I would have a really tough time supporting myself financially right now, so I'm leaning towards creating some kind of temporary roommate situation so I can finish school then we could part ways.
I'm extremely sad and scared and frustrated and don't really know what to do with myself. I hope I can find the courage to figure what's right for me and find a woman who truly desires me.
Thank you for reading and any advice or kind words would be greatly appreciated.
- ThisSeason
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Re: My head is spinning
Welcome SuperChimp, I am sad you are going through this but happy you found this refuge to connect with others going through similar situations.
From reading your post, it looks like you have somewhat figured out what is and is not acceptable for you. I would just say to take care of yourself and give yourself time to figure out what you can truly live with.
- Duped
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Re: My head is spinning
Welcome Superchimp. I guess your wife somewhat used your depression to blame you for her not wanting sex, very convenient that she had that as an excuse.
Last edited by Duped (February 2, 2019 3:41 pm)
- walkbymyself
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Re: My head is spinning
Superchimp, you seem to have so much on your plate right now, in terms of things you're trying to deal with.
I think the idea of an "open relationship" is great for people who entered into the marriage wanting an open relationship. But it it's your compromise position just to hold the marriage together, I'm not sure it really works in the long run.
My husband had proposed that to me, too. I just kept thinking, what kinds of men am I going to end up with if I'm already married? I'm going to end up with the same kinds of creepy married guys I always tried to avoid back when I was single. The kinds of guys I'm interested in, are the kinds of guys who wouldn't sleep with a married woman. The guys who are willing to sleep with married women are creeps. If I didn't want anonymous sex when I was single, why on earth would I want it now?
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- SuperChimp
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Re: My head is spinning
Thank you for the replies. It means a lot to be able to talk about this at all.
Update: we talked for about two hours tonight. My reading her texts was basically the last straw. She can no longer trust me and we have decided to split up. Not sure if we will stick it out as roommates so I can finish school or if I'll have to move out and find a way.
I'm in so much pain that I'm numb. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I guess this will take some time.
Thanks again.
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Thread Starter- ThisSeason
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Re: My head is spinning
SuperChimp wrote:
Thank you for the replies. It means a lot to be able to talk about this at all.
Update: we talked for about two hours tonight. My reading her texts was basically the last straw. She can no longer trust me and we have decided to split up. Not sure if we will stick it out as roommates so I can finish school or if I'll have to move out and find a way.
I'm in so much pain that I'm numb. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I guess this will take some time.
Thanks again.
SC, I am not sure if your wife cheated on you before there was an open marriage agreement. But I think it's ridiculous when a spouse who has cheated or fallen in love/lust with someone else claims that they can't trust the faithful spouse due to "invasions of privacy." It seems to be a common theme. It was the excuse my wife used for a period of time to justify wanting to separate and pushing me away further.
I think many of these spouses would find themselves doing the exact same thing (checking phones, computers, etc) if they were suspicious of what we were doing. But they never seem to try very hard to imagine the situation from a perspective other than their own.
- lily
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Re: My head is spinning
Hi SC,
Glad you found us now rather than down the track and good for you for posting.
I am going to suggest that you don't move out, just out of the bed. You're married, there's a financial settlement and divorce to come before you are properly separated. She's been preparing for this for ages, you need some time to catch up.
She's didn't just discover she had feelings for women, she hid this from you all the way through dating and into marriage. She's been having an affair with a woman. And she wants to make this all your fault? You are completely blameless in this. Here, let me repeat that - she is the one at fault, not you.
She has played on your weaknesses to make you feel at fault.
You have your whole life ahead of you but right now you are in a situation. Even if you leave, the impact it has on you and for your future, isn't going to go away. The rule I made was not to be self-critical for a while. I know there's a lot of good in it but save it for a rainy day, right now is the time to stick up for yourself, be your own best friend and leave the criticisms to others. Ask your own questions of her and her family of origin.
The pain of all this is appalling but it does get better with a bit of time. Promise.
wishing you all the best, Lily