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- walkbymyself
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Re: Breaking the news to your kids: how much did you tell them?
OnMyOwnTwoFeet wrote:
For years, even before I discovered TGT, my husband had withdrawn more and more from the family, especially from these two younger boys, and he had been very critical of them and me while I tried my best to still have a cheerful and supportive home, though it has been stressful. And I know these boys have absorbed this stress. But because I did not understand what was really going on, I felt it was better for me to try harder and harder to maintain a stable family as much as possible, for them to stay in their home and schools, etc. than to disrupt.
...
It is not at all lost on me that my two teen sons’ anxiety may actually be the direct result of growing up surrounded by the underlying unhappiness of living in a closeted home.
I would do anything I could for my children, but I cannot shield them from the real consequences of their dad’s choices.
I really feel for you, and there is no "good" time to drop this kind of bomb on your kids. Maybe a "least bad" time, but no "good" time.
I think we had the same dynamic in our family that you are describing. I think that my husband may have started out thinking that maintaining this lie was going to be easy, and then over the years understanding on an intellectual level that he had made his bed and must now sleep in it -- but I also think that at some point he developed resentments against us, thinking about all the sacrifices he felt he'd made for us, and projecting on us a kind of lack of gratitude (which we obviously didn't feel because we had no clue what was going on). I think that this "projected resentment" gradually took hold over the years, and bled out into every area of our family and marital lives. I think he used it to justify cheating and lying, and even to justify his overriding my feelings about financial choices and priorities. I think he felt he'd sacrificed so much for the family that he was "owed" a certain deference.
In my case, telling my daughter the truth made it possible for her to enter into therapy with a fuller understanding of the background, and it made it possible for the therapist to work with her more effectively.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- lolita17
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Re: Breaking the news to your kids: how much did you tell them?
I was hopping to find some advice here but I feel scared now. It seems like I am teh only one with young kids here (4 and 8) so I am not sure what will happen. What to tell them. I have a GIDH and I took the decision to leave myself so we need a story that won t make me look too bad.
- Beachcomber
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Re: Breaking the news to your kids: how much did you tell them?
STBXGH and I told our boys (23 and 18) this past weekend. We originally weren't going to tell them about TGT, but several days before telling them, we had some serious soul-searching and decided to tell them the whole truth. TGT explains everything (in our situation). Anything less would have left holes and questions. We felt that they could handle it, as they are growing into mature, healthy adults, and they did. Were they shocked? Of course! They had no clue about Dad. I felt that it was important to let them know that I was supportive of Dad coming out; that I was not angry with him; and that we would be able to get along as a caring family when we were all together. (Hubby and I are still living together amicably - but separately- in our house as we prepare it to be sold.) We reaffirmed our love for them (of course!) and that their daily lives would not change, other than who would they stay with after the sale of the house and divorce.
I was a complete mess before telling them, but feel much better now that the truth has been told and seeing how well they handled it. It seems like the kids of their generation handle TGT a whole better than mine, and much, much better than the generation of my parents. The boys have a girl cousin who has been a rainbow flag waver for years (and very vocal about it), and both had classmates who came out young. I'm sure acknowledging that their father is gay was something they never thought they'd have to deal with, but life isn't perfect and curveballs come our way every so often to remind us of that.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Breaking the news to your kids: how much did you tell them?
Beachcomber, I felt the same way -- anything less than the full truth would have left my daughter fumbling in the dark for explanations.
I was hopping to find some advice here but I feel scared now. It seems like I am teh only one with young kids here (4 and 8) so I am not sure what will happen. What to tell them. I have a GIDH and I took the decision to leave myself so we need a story that won t make me look too bad.
Lolita, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't think you're really the "only" one with young kids here -- some people only check in sporadically.
I don't know what kind of community you live in, but for many kids these days, the label "gay" isn't what it was when we were young. A lot of these kids already know gay kids, or kids with gay parents, and to them it's just all part of the fabric of "normal". The thing that may be shocking or upsetting will be the news that you're splitting up, but the fact of homosexuality being at issue is less of an issue than you might expect.
I do have a couple of suggestions, starting with the obvious "find a really good family therapist expert who can help you talk to your kids about this."
I would personally want to tell the honest truth, although I understand that in many communities that's impossible. Again, I don't know about where you live, but once you've told the truth it helps you navigate the minefield of all the other traumas that lying might provoke.
I would not tell them separately. Even though one is a bit older than the other, it's good for them to have one another for support, and it's not a good idea to expect the older child to keep secrets from the younger child.
Before telling them, I'd make sure that the other people in your family are aware. The goal is to be honest with your kids without burdening them with the need to keep a big nasty dirty secret. They should be free to talk to their friends, if they feel the need. It's not fair to put them in the closet just to protect your husband. He can be responsible for telling his own immediate family, if need be, but he needs to know the kids are going to have to be told one way or the other, and they can't be expected to live a lie with him.
In the ideal, you and your husband would talk to the kids together, but obviously you can't force that if your husband is unwilling.
Pick and choose the time and place carefully, so you don't create a bad memory that will forever be associated with, say, a certain holiday or event.
The conversation is going to be far more painful for you than it is for them. They might pick up on your discomfort, so try and get yourself in a mental and emotional place first where you're comfortable with your own decision.
Don't worry about coming up with a "story" that doesn't make you look bad -- anything that's a "story" is ultimately going to have to be corrected, when they're older, and if your original explanation is untruthful or deceptive in any way, that alone will make you look far worse in their eyes. So again, I would find a good therapist who can help you speak candidly but without overstepping the boundaries with your kids.
Last edited by walkbymyself (February 14, 2019 3:33 pm)
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: Breaking the news to your kids: how much did you tell them?
Not to harp on this forever -- but this news story brought home to me why it's critical that kids learn the truth sooner rather than later:
I think the longer you wait to tell them -- the more you risk they'll learn the truth somewhere else, and you'll have forfeited the chance to break the news to them in a sensitive and caring way. My heart really goes out to this man's wife and daughter.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
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Thread Starter