One of the things I have learned through my journey with TGT is that I should take the time the listen to myself and found what I really want.  It become more and more clear to me that I want a divorce. I actually wanted it even before TGT.  My husband is a good guy, a good father and he does his best as a husband.  However, I never felt fulfilled as a woman.  We've been together for the past 16 years, 9 years married, and I realize yesterday that I have no memory of the first time we had sex.  Absolutely not.  For some reason, the few times we had sex, he would ejaculate outside most of the time to avoid making me pregnant (Even while I had an IUD) and I was kind of frustrated with that, but it was also a sign that I never trusted him enough in a certain way.

We had some great sex but we were never intimate enough to talk about our experience and preferences.  I craved of being deeply desired as a woman. Now is he the only person responsible probably not.  I never tried to initiate until we were 5 years married and I got rejected, the few times I did.  I ended having an affair for almost a year with an old friend living abroad.  We just had sex once and I felt guilty as crazy after.  However, the affair made me realize that I was craving for deep intimacy.  My lover would make me feel so special by calling twice a day just to hear my voice.  While my husband would most of the tie be out with friends or home but busy on his computer.  In late 2016 I decided to end the affair because I wanted to focus on my marriage.  From 2017 to now I spent a lot of money on self help books, programs or coaching.  I saw some improvement but my desire to be validated as woman was still there.  We improved from having sex 4 times in 2 years to once every 2 months.  I was proud of my improvement but guess what I'm 33 years old today.  So my sexless marriage started around the time I was 28.  I betted myself up a lot because I felt that I was a bad person because I cheated.  I actually became so sick while I had this affair because I was convince I would got an STD for having had protected sex once with a guy who was not my husband.

My guilt prevented me to dress the real issues in my marriage.  Yes I wanted more sex and I was not willing to admit it.  I was not willing to embrace my desires as a woman, because of my beliefs.  Good girls don't do these things and I was a very good girl. 

About a little more than one year ago, I realize that I had feelings for one of my male friends.  We know each other for about 18 years now and he always had a crush on me.  I'm not sure he s the right guy for me but I deeply love him.  He is now in a relationship but I know he also loves me.  I'm fighting against my feelings until now then because I did not want to make the same past mistakes.  I do not want an affair, I want an exclusive fulfilling relationship.
 
I have been married long enough to know that marriage is not just about love.  It s about commitment.  My husband is a good guy, a great father and a great friend. He s a loving husband to even if in term of sex he s on the lazy side.

TGT was revealed when 3 months ago I found this gay porn on his tablet and the condoms in his bag.  Until now he s still unable t give me an explanation I can trust.  I doubt I would be the only lucky one here to have her husband buying condoms just because they looked nice and losing 4 out 12 of the box content.

Actually TGT was revealed several years ago when in 2012 I found gay porn for the first time, then around 2014 when I found condoms in his car.  My mother also told me several times that she had suspicions about the way he was behaving with his best friend.  I refused to see the truth.

I stayed in the dark because I thought I was a bad girl because I had this desire for intimacy while people around me would feel jealous of my lifestyle.  I was lucky enough to have a successful husband who was there for me and my kids.

Now I know I want a divorce but I m stuck in a place where I'm afraid to move forward because I know I have feelings for another guy.  I m asking myself everyday, would I still want a divorce if I did not have this other guy in my heart ? I want to be a good girl so I'd prefer my husband to admit he Bi or Gay so I could get out nicely.  I don't want it to be my fault.  I don't want to be the one who betrayed my spouse.  But I had to face it today.  My marriage was in a difficult position even before I realize that TGT might be the issue.

I guess some people here might have the same at some point.  We want to save our marriage so bad because it mean a lot for us.  But when was it really over ?  You might have not gone through what I experienced, but I'd love to know what kept you stuck when you knew inside of you that you had to leave ?