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1 - Mimi
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Can’t go on like this anymore
Today I woke up wishing that one of these days I don’t wake up anymore. Every morning I wake up with this unbelievable sadness, this dark cloud that doesn’t seem to go away. We sleep in separate rooms as I requested ever since I found evidence. He’s acting like I’m the crazy one, everything is normal and we should just go back to our normal lives. That finding out my husband is bi and most likely gay is something I need to digest and move on. That believe him that he hasn’t cheated on me over the years. How can I? How can I undo what I know? I can’t do this anymore. I feel dead inside as a woman, as a human. Sorry for being so low today, you guys are the only people who understand my situation.
- phoenix
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Mimi, I know how hard it is. I'm so sorry you are struggling.
Have you visited your physician to talk about depression and perhaps get help?
How can we help you?
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Mimi
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Thank you Phoneix. You all have been extremely helpful with your advice and also sharing your stories. I’m seeing my therapist today.
How did you all go through the limbo phase? Where you didn’t know what to do? To separate and leave or to stay and believe him? I go from being angry to compassionate to sad in one minute. It’s like losing a loved one. But his body is there, and you wish that you can just hug them and feel the husband you thought you had.
I didn’t sign up for this. I’m a good person. I’ve always been a good person in my life. Now he doesn’t talk to me because I’m being mean to him by not being a loving wife. Instead of begging me to stay. He wants the marriage work but shows the least amount of affection or love that a husband who’s losing a wife should show.
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Thread Starter- Abby
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Living in the same house is difficult so don't be hard on yourself if you need medication to help you deal with depression. January in the northern hemisphere limits your options for activities but try to find things to do that give you pleasure. You need to love and care of yourself because you matter.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Abby
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
I stayed when early in the marriage he admitted in counseling that he was "bi" because he said he wanted only me. I stayed until "bi" became "I'm gay and I want a divorce" 30 years later. I treated the divorce as a business transaction and fairly quickly resolved that "If you don't want me I don't want you." I am on friendly terms with him - have him over to my house when our children are in the area - but I have boundaries and I don't discuss my life around him.
If you work on yourself you may get to a point when you realize that you are better without him. If you turn that corner you will see the direction you want to go.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Mimi wrote:
....... Every morning I wake up with this unbelievable sadness, this dark cloud that doesn’t seem to go away..........you guys are the only people who understand my situation.
I'm with you Mimi.....every morning
KIA KAHA
- walkbymyself
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
Today I woke up wishing that one of these days I don’t wake up anymore. Every morning I wake up with this unbelievable sadness, this dark cloud that doesn’t seem to go away. We sleep in separate rooms as I requested ever since I found evidence. He’s acting like I’m the crazy one, everything is normal and we should just go back to our normal lives. That finding out my husband is bi and most likely gay is something I need to digest and move on. That believe him that he hasn’t cheated on me over the years. How can I? How can I undo what I know? I can’t do this anymore. I feel dead inside as a woman, as a human. Sorry for being so low today, you guys are the only people who understand my situation.
Oh Sweetie, I am so with you on this. I can't sleep at night and by day I'm just counting the hours, minutes and seconds until I can go back to bed. There are only two reasons I don't end my life here and now: first, it would cause unbelievable pain to my daughter; and second, my husband would get a windfall by having his support obligations end. And since that's likely to be the ONLY punishment he ever gets, as inadequate as it is, I'm not inclined to let him off.
We have our next mediation on Monday. It's our third session, and in both the first and second sessions I lost my temper. The mediator doesn't know the full story -- we're supposed to just stick to financial issues, and when my husband started describing how he'd segregated his "separate property" for 24 years I lost my shit. Truly. I knew what he'd put us through, and the whole time he was hoarding his money while the family had to leave our home and move into a two-bedroom apartment in a crappy neighborhood because he'd lost his job because he stayed out nights until dawn getting gay sex on the side.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- FML
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
I'm sorry you are going through this, Mimi. I'm in a very similar situation, and it looks like our timelines for discovery are almost the same. I've also been with my husband for almost seventeen years and I am four years older than you. Every day is a surprise for me as well, I never know how well I am going to feel and at what level I will be able to function. Sometimes I desperately wish to get away from him and just be in a more stable environment, but most of the time I find myself clinging to hope that we can still somehow find a future together. The conflicting words and actions and continued new surprises/damaging information that emerge are helping to keep me off balance. While I know the smart thing to do for myself is probably to free myself from this situation as soon as possible, I can't help but feel like maybe I'm giving up too quickly, and I worry that he will harm himself if I go, which I could not live with. It sounds like you are trying very hard to do what you can to help yourself through this. You are getting help and are trying to emotionally prepare yourself to be separate from him. I know in my situation that I keep looking to my husband for answers, hoping that he can help me figure all of this out, but I'm not sure GID spouses are really able to do that for us, and it sounds like this is a common and understandable phenomenon. Although most of the people on this site say they wish they could go back and not spend so much time in this phase, I think we all have to move at our own pace, so that we can feel as comfortable as possible with all of the changes we are facing. I suppose I am somewhat lucky in that my husband isn't trying to blame me for any of this any longer and seems to be beginning to understand the hurt he has caused me, but this also makes me question his intentions for insisting we stay together - is it for cover, out of guilt, out of fear, or a sincere love? I think it is all of the above, I guess I have to figure out what that means to me and be honest with myself about what the uncertainty of staying with him will mean for me and decide whether or not that is good enough. I myself haven't figured out how to escape the "looking to them for answers" phase, but maybe it is a necessary and painful part of the process of coming to terms with finding out our partners haven't been honest with us about who they are all of these years.
Continue to focus on yourself as much as you can. Find things that YOU enjoy, even if they are small, and try to make yourself the priority. I am trying to do this as well, and it really can help, even if only in small ways at the moment. I'm trying to remember who I am, separate from him, and to rediscover what it is that I want. Regardless of whether we stay together or not, I feel like I NEED to be able to be more aware of my needs and wants, so that I have a more solid foundation for myself that no one can take from me in the future. This is a bit tricky, because I have spent the last seventeen years focusing on HIM and US, never just myself, and I do have to admit that I have rarely felt that my husband returned this love and care in the same way. If being around your husband gets to be too much to bear, leave if you can. I know this is easier said than done. I know for myself when I have the strong urge to break away, even for one night, a little voice in my head says "but what will he do when you are gone?" But we shouldn't have to live in fear of what they are doing, and if trust cannot be rebuilt, then it doesn't seem healthy or fair to continue. Remind yourself that you are strong and that you can do this. You can heal with time. You sound like a kind person. You have value. No one can take that away from you.
Last edited by FML (January 24, 2019 2:23 pm)
- Roo
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
I'm so sorry Mimi. I used to think the say way you do and there are times that I still do, but I quickly put that thought out of my mind. I am 2 years post disclosure of finding my husband is bi. But the more time goes on the more I think he is in major denial. I just can't bring myself to talk about it with him.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Can’t go on like this anymore
....... I just can't bring myself to talk about it with him.
Yip....I find it hard to bring the subject up too. This morning I wanted to say...as we had breakfast...."are you talking with anyone today about...y'know...the stuff we don't talk about"...but he's shut down about it so much that I'm just so tired of trying to open conversation, trying to get into his thoughts, almost wanting him to say "yes I chat to ppl online still"...just so I can get angry and force the issue..
I'm just so fucking sad and tired. After an MRI I've been diagnosed with Osteoporosis and increased pain is not helping my emotional state .
KIA KAHA