Dear In Denial,
  One of the things I found when I finally left my now-ex, was that although before I left I had a pretty good idea of what problems or limitations I might encounter after I left, and my fears, I didn't at all understand that there were good things that could happen that I couldn't predict or know about.  So, for example, I lucked into an apartment that was an excellent deal and absolutely perfect for me, but when I was thinking about leaving, it never occurred to me something like this might ever happen.  When I moved into that apartment, I found that people I didn't expect to be helpful or compassionate were: one person I knew offered me his truck to move when I told him I was divorcing; others brought me housewarming gifts for my new place, no questions asked. 

   And then there were the things I couldn't have imagined because before I left I was not in a frame of mind to imagine them: suddenly I was no longer walking on eggshells or reacting to my ex's moods (because I wasn't living with him anymore).  For me, getting out meant I was no longer having to engage in the kind of feeling and thinking that you are engaging in because you are in the situation: no more negotiating, no more gaslighting, no more ruminating, no more being preoccupied with what is really his problem. 

   Once I removed myself, his problem was my problem no longer, and I could occupy my mind thinking about what I wanted and how to go about working toward that.  Yes, there was grief.  Lots of it.  Yes, there was pain.  Lots of it.  Yes, there was anger (there still is, periodically).  Recovery takes time.  Some losses are permanent.  But mostly there is relief, freedom, peace, honesty, and the feeling that I am in control of my own life.  Which is not to say that life is all smooth sailing once you leave, but once you leave you can set your own course and sail toward it, and at least you don't have to worry about someone else's actions capsizing you.

  One of the best things I did for myself, and believe is useful to everyone in this situation, is to get some distance between you and your partner, if only for a brief time.  Remove yourself from the situation, and you will find that your perspective can shift. 

  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 7, 2020 5:19 pm)

In denial:  I'm so sorry for all the pain you're enduring.

You'd written that "experts" counsel against telling children unless you're divorcing.  I haven't heard this, but to the extent there could be expertise out there ... they might be thinking about situations where an otherwise viable marriage is simply going through some stress.

For us, there are no experts.  Nobody wrote the instruction manual.  We're the only experts. all of us.

Children (including adult children) are only going to be as strong as the foundation we lay for them, and if their foundation is built on quicksand, sooner or later that will be revealed.  Postponing that moment to some date late in life makes things worse, not better.  If they're going to find out, eventually, that their father is gay ... let them find out as early as possible.  The bigger shock to them might be that their mother lied to them their whole life.

in denial wrote:

.........What I do with iinfo ? I Know some things but I still don’t know..........
I can’t stand his silence........I hold Out hope for his truth.
I know I’ll be lucky if I hear it..........
It would never be enough for all the yrs of endured pain..........Almost 2yrs of finding out and 32 yrs of being together..........I’m Still wading my way through the weeds.
What should I do and how do I do this.
....... 🙏

 

I reckon you should change your Forum name

 Elle