In denial,

I think you know all you need to know. Your husband , regardless of TGT, is saying bad things about you to his friend. He is therefore not your friend ...he cannot be for you and against you at the same time.
I see no point in contacting his boyfriend..

Wishing you courage and strength to walk forward and away..

Last edited by Rob (May 23, 2019 6:54 am)

Hi, ID.  I want to validate your sense that you need time and space for clarity.  Can you distance from your husband at all?  Stop couples therapy for now.  Do just your own therapy right now.  Couples therapy is making it like your feelings do not matter, and it keeps yiu in the fog of confusion.  You are dealing with such a shock.

Also, are you still sharing a bed? Can you get any physical distance?

I did not go back and read all your previous posts, but if I remember right, there is a lot of evidence that your husband is lying.  And also speaking badly of you.  He says he wants to stay together.  The therapist says you can start in a new marriage.

IMO, He is manipulating you. He is putting you in the decision making seat.  Even though he has already made the decision—the decision he has made is NOT that he loves you and wants to care for yiu and treat you with respect.  His decision is that he wants you as a wife appliance (see Chump Lady web site).  That was working out pretty well for him.  He got what he wanted, which was a double life, and to mistreat you and make you feel bad like it is all yiur fault.  He is doing that again on a large scale: making it like   he is the good guy, and he can say you are responsible for the breakup of your marriage.

He has known what he is doing.  You are in shock and trying to reconcile the evidence you now have with the false life he has presented to you for decades.  During those decades, he was deceptive.  He knew it all. 

Now, instead of him being concerned about your feelings, which would show that he was truly sorry, and truly cared for you, he continues to leave it up to you to figure out the truth.  And, he continues to say yiu are mixed up and judgemental, not forgiving, etc.  he is saying yiu are responsible instead of taking responsibility for what he has done.  “It was JUST one time!”  Is STILL one time of infidelity, and that is plenty to ruin a relationship, and you have evidence of more  He was never going to admit and he does not seem to be sorry for it—is just making it like it is you who has the problem because you are “so unreasonable.”

That is just more of the same.  One important rule for a saveable relstionship is that the offending partner MUST be absolutely totally forthcoming.  Not just to save the relationship, but to give you the info you need to make decisions about your own life, even if that might mean you would leave the relationship.  If he is not willing to respect you as a person—at the fundamental level of you deserving the truth about your life so you can make your own decisions, then he is still using you, and he is not even a friend.

This is hard to face, when you love your husband and you see him and it is hard to reconcile the evidence with the image. 

Have you read much on Chump Lady?  Also, Dr George Simon.

This sounds so hard. That you feel so confused now is itself a sign of the relationship not being safe.

ID, I have been thinking about you overnight. I remember so strongly this feeling of utter pain and confusion. (I am still in it in some ways.). I also remember the idea of starting new. Like, could we start a new “marriage”?  A new commitment starting now, putting the past behind us? I wanted so much for it to work out, for there to be a happy path forward.  I think I understand what you are expressing.  I also understand the “why now?!”

I wanted to share something my therapist has shared with me, especially when I have said how confused I am.  She said that normally, our brains use 10% of their capacity to manage emotions, but that in trauma, fully 90% of our brain function is processing emotions, leaving very little space to really understand or see things clearly at all.  This is especially when your husband remains so close to you. “What is real?” Is just hard to figure out.

Be patient with yourself. 

On other threads, I have mentioned the book, Should I Stay or Should I Go? By Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi.  Sorry to be a broken record, but I think it might help you.  It really helps walk you through seeing things more clearly in your relationship. It helps you see what is worth saving—and what it takes to save a relationship.  It is easy teo read, and so nurturing.  It gave me so much clarity.

https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1561146877&sr=8-1

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 21, 2019 3:00 pm)

Hello.  It’s been a long while.
It’s also been a long trip !
If you go to my first post jan 2019 you see my history.
My lack of more postings is just that .
Trying to figure out what this life is about .
I’m still in my own counselling.
At time’s I my appts were 2 x week. Then 1 x    Now I’m 1x a month.
I guess you can say I’m better ???
Really I’m not but with no validation from my husband.
I’m ok without his info and I’m processing what my new life means , looks like , future ect ect.
My own ! She’s helped me soooo much !

Early on Together we met with a marriage cousell 4 May be 5 times.
Basically I feel she gave up on us.  But how do you repair when your husband says no to his lonnnnng affair.
And that I wasn’t seeing his explanations.
As she said.  She works to get you back together or how to divorce.

My husband stopped seeing his own counsel dec 20 .
He had maybe 6 Appts.
He said the guy wasn’t doing it for him. Didn’t get what he needed from his counsel.

Giant red flags 🚩  for me.

Either we work out this new ya.  New marriage.    Or were not !

What that New marriage Means to me .
Is no sex,  That’s was rare anyway, no cuddles , no Physical contact.
I don’t hate him.    We don’t fight. But we also don't talk much.
I’m beyond  very hurt.
Soooo much pain still .
After1.5yrs.

With covid stuff. 1 of our adult kids moved home.
As all professionals say.    Don’t tell kids unless you’re splitting up.
Right now. It’s just a mom and dad dispute. We’re old lots don’t sleep together.
I asked my husband to stick up for me.  Don’t let my son
Guess why I’m I another room.    Tell him I don’t sleep well because you’re sleep habits disturb mine. 
Which Is true and has always been a problem .
If he didn’t. I said I would not lie.... I did 😢
He didn’t tell my son.  My son asked.  I had to tell him the story. 
I was pist !!!   
One more...This is my fault crap !
If I could accept the affair.  We could live in peace.

That’s not happening.   I stick up for me now.  More then I ever did before !
Now With the way we are , I’m comfortable To have my own room.
I’m not all tensed you and I sleep better.

The good news with all the bs ! And crap !
He finally sincerely as possible apologized.
Said he’s truly sorry for screwing up our whole marriage.

My mistake.  I was in shock. And didn’t ask... what are you sorry about.
How can you say sorry.  If you don’t acknowledge what you did.   
Not that you did it 1x or yrs if contact ect ect ect ect

Today. I’m building my strength.  I have not left him.  But !
I’m not saying I’m staying. I’ve told him the same thing.

As for him. He’s by far been distant.
I can’t deal with that. That’s his problem.
As I says to him.  I have empathy for him.  How could he be sooo gd successful in business.  Yet have such a fkd up personal life.
I encouraged him to go back to counsel.  Work our what he wants in his life.

For us.  Right now ...
In our life.  He’s sooo busy with work.
With Covid he’s home. But he’s on the phone 14 hrs a day.

I’m good with the way it is.    For now!

Hi. I appreciate your response.
I don’t know what I’m doing.   At first I said i didn’t want a divorce.
I said I would stay provided he was open and honest.
But as time has gone by. Not much from him.
He’s not admitted he’s gay.
Just that he was in an emotional affair for over 40 yrs. 
wtf !!!!!
Worse part.  He leaves me still gaslighted.  Fk !
Sorry I hope you don’t mind the swearing.

I’m now in a different place.  Still fkd up.  But indifferent. Almost floating.
So is he.
I think he’s indifferent too.
Says he doesn’t want me to go.
But He sees my distance is real.
Without his participation in this mess. 
Where does he leave me.
Invalidated, hurt,lost, and finding my new me .
His silence leaves me nowhere.

Not sure I’m staying. 
My beautiful Adult kids don’t know. 
They may think something is weird.
I’m far more independent then I ever was.  I don’t seek permission anymore .
I picture my self alone more then ever.
Contacted a realtor to look for a condo I could rent.  Potentially my place eventually.
Will this happen.  Who knows.
But that’s where I am ....I choose this.
But I’m Definitely in limbo.