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1 of 1- ThisSeason
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The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
From a logical standpoint I feel like statements like "I just need to explore this side of myself during a short several month separation and then I will be able to come back to you." are disingenuous.
I think they're used as a way to get out of the relationship in a relatively easy manner without causing too much conflict (especially when there is already an affair partner in the mix). If someone was certain they would come back to you, there would be no reason to leave and risk forever destroying the relationship.
How do you deal with the times when your emotions try to hold onto statements that your logical brain knows make absolutely zero sense?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
Season...I suggested to my partner that we separate for a year. He could fill all the empty parts of himself...the fantasies, the urges, the wants and needs. He said no.
I'm (Ellexoh) not ready to be the instigator of such a step either, but I think about it often. Time apart.
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 21, 2019 8:23 pm)
KIA KAHA
- ThisSeason
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Re: The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
Ellexoh, could you see yourself taking him back after he had "filled all of the ... fantasies, the urges, the wants and needs" ?
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
HI TS,
Denial doesn't mean doesn't know, it means not telling.
I think you're doing what you need to do in writing it out here - it helps.
What you need is a bit of detachment, enough to see how she is manipulating your emotions, how deliberate the denial is. And that it has been the same all along, all that is changing is the girlfriend status.
If the wife is leaving you you have no choice over it, but if she wants to stay then it is your choice and you instinctively know the injury done is enough to make you seriously angry but I know when it came to that for me, the way I felt was trust yourself it is all to the good - you know you won't hurt anyone.
wishing you all the best, Lily
Last edited by lily (January 21, 2019 5:55 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
ThisSeason wrote:
Ellexoh, could you see yourself taking him back after he had "filled all of the ... fantasies, the urges, the wants and needs" ?
"How long is a piece of string?" It's one of those questions that is unanswerable without facts, proof and believable truth. But no, I don't think so. For a start I would require a full sexual health check (several maybe) performed by MY doctor on the understanding I have access to the results. And I think that..would be an intrusion my partner wouldn't agree to
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 21, 2019 6:32 pm)
KIA KAHA
- ThisSeason
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Re: The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
Good point Ellexoh. The physical health ramifications of someone running wild for a year would be very important.
I don't think I could get over the mental and emotional aspects of it either though. I can't wrap my head around the idea someone can love their spouse but "need" to be with others. And also, I feel like I would always wonder how long it would be before they decided they needed another "break".
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
......I can't wrap my head around the idea someone can love their spouse but "need" to be with others. And also, I feel like I would always wonder how long it would be before they decided they needed another "break".
My situation is a little different in that we had both been in an open r'ship and. enjoying it. We had a stable and I thought...trusting bond. What I didn't realise was that his bisexual need would become greater than his r'ship integrity, enough that he felt dishonesty about it was the best way to proceed. So while I know what it's like to want somebody else other than my partner..the fact that he kept wanting and fantasising about other people/stuff after I said "I can't do this anymore" meant the basic view of our r'ship and what it meant to both of us..changed.
So there we were. Our paths which once traveled beside one another..were now unbeknownst to me going in the opposite direction.
And yes...the possible need for a break, and never knowing how honest he is about wanting it or not wanting it means I'll never trust him with my heart again. We both know it'll never be the same again.
KIA KAHA
- phoenix
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Re: The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
They can't "get it out of their system" - It IS their system. They aren't straight with a temporary same sex attraction. There isn't a quota of x number of physical experiences that will satisfy them so they can return to heterosexual relationships.
If they desire gay sex they will always desire gay sex. Testing it out will only prove it to be true and lead them closer to permanently making that choice.
Just my opinion of course.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- someheavyocean
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Re: The need to explore their sexuality and "get it out of their system"
My situation is a little different in that we had both been in an open r'ship and. enjoying it. We had a stable and I thought...trusting bond. What I didn't realise was that his bisexual need would become greater than his r'ship integrity, enough that he felt dishonesty about it was the best way to proceed.
When we first talked about her orientation, she had the feeling that she might still be bi, but wasn't sure of herself yet. I offered up an option where we could stay together, but that she could see women. I wouldn't need to see other people because I'd be fine with an open situation like that. She said no, and that she felt the need to be monogamous with a woman. The way she put it was "I need to know what it's like to be in love with a woman", not just sex or casual dating. She needed to live her life as a lesbian. That pretty much sealed the deal.
We still live together, but in separate bedrooms. I don't know if her being lesbian is permanent or fluid - judging from her history and things she's said since, I suspect she's still potentially bi. But if she's in love with a woman and that ends up going sour, I know I'm going to be the one she comes to for emotional support. I hope by the time that happens, I'm equipped to handle it.