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1 of 1- Lupita
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He swears by his children that he is not gay!
I've been dating my current boyfriend for almost two years. He’s divorced and has two teenage children but he doesn’t live with them. My boyfriend (whom I will call Peter) lives with his mother because he lost his business due to health issues (diabetes and pacemaker). At first everything was great: he was very affectionate, he said that he liked me a lot, and he did his best to come and visit me often (he lives in a nearby city).
One of the first things that started to bother me was that Peter has had this friend for 30 years, and they would constantly communicate via WhatsApp. Another strange behavior for me was that when we would go out for dinner, Peter would send him photos of his meal. And on my birthday and my daughter's, although he came as a guest, he asked if he could take some food to bring to his friend. Peter's friend, whom I will call George, has never been married, doesn’t have any kids and has lived with his mother his entire life. During the first few weeks of meeting Peter, he told me that George had a girlfriend, but that he was thinking about breaking up with her because of his erection problems (he has diabetes too).
But my doubts started increasing dramatically one day when Peter came to my house extremely upset and told me that he had fought with George. Apparently, he had seen him at a small bar with a group of friends, (George, lives a few blocks away from my house), Peter asked him for a favor (something related to his car) and George ignored him. In the heat of his anger, Peter let out some phrases that made him sound like a jealous man. His attitude was that of a spiteful boyfriend. Later, Peter showed me some messages that George had sent him telling him that he had no right to complain because "they were nothing". After this, Peter referred to George as "the madwoman of George".
By then I had noticed way too many red flags and I asked him if George was gay. He said no, but immediately added that, if he were, he would not stop being his friend. After some weeks of having many doubts and suspicions, I decided that I didn’t want this shit in my life and I ended the relationship. But Peter sought me out, swore to me for his children that he was not gay (I asked him) and he told me that he had asked George to talk to me to clear up my doubts. I wasn’t very convinced, but I accepted, mostly because I thought that if they were really a couple, George wouldn’t agree to this. However, he did show up, he spoke to me and they were so convincing that I ended up apologizing to both of them.
However, my peace of mind didn’t last very long. And my biggest doubts arose after two episodes that I will call ¨lapsus linguis¨ where during a moment of intimacy, Peter referred to me as if I were a man. On both occasions, he immediately realized his mistake and tried to convince me that he meant to say something else. But I know what I heard. And the only explanation I have for that is that he has to fantasize about a man in order to be with me.
Some more details:
Peter constantly tries to justify his erection problems with his diabetes. But he has tried taking viagra and it hasn’t worked for him.
He confessed to me that in his previous marriage, he lost sexual desire for his wife very quickly, and he says that it was because she got very fat on both pregnancies and that he never liked her body odor. They were married for 7 years and she asked for a divorce.
He is very dependent on his mother, although they don’t get along and fight all the time.
He is very sensitive and cries easily.
Once or twice George sent Peter gay porn videos via WhatsApp.
After the second incident (the worst) I ended it again. But he has sought me out and sworn to me for his dead father, for his mother and for his two children that he’s not gay and that everything I think is a fallacy. And even though my instinct tells me that Peter and George have been a gay couple for many years, I can’t believe that Peter can swear by the lives of his loved ones, since he and his family are extremely Catholic.
I am infinitely grateful for any comments or guidance you can give me to help me find my way out of this hell.
Last edited by Lupita (January 19, 2019 1:16 am)
- phoenix
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Re: He swears by his children that he is not gay!
Hi Lupita,
Welcome to our group. I'm sorry you are here and having to ask these questions.
If you are looking for opinions on your boyfriend being gay, I'll share my thoughts based on what you posted.
The food pictures and friend who lives with his mother are not necessarily indications of being gay. Some people are "foodies" and enjoy talking about great dinners and like to share pictures with each other. Not a concern to me.
The spiteful boyfriend and the fight could be an indication of them having a relationship that goes beyond a normal straight male friendship. This isn't conclusive by itself, but perhaps combined with other factors...
His reference to you as a man during sex would be a big red flag. I can't imagine any straight man "accidentally" referring to a partner in bed as a male. That would NEVER happen to me because that thought would gross me out.
I'm not educated on erectile dysfunction and any relationship to diabetes or how useful Viagra is.. but this would be a concern to me as well.
I can understand a man not wanting sexual intimacy with a spouse who was very obese and had severe body odor. This doesn't mean they are gay.
I don't know why you'd want to date a middle age man who is still dependent on his mother - that shows poor character in my opinion, but not necessarily an indication of homosexuality.
Being sensitive and crying easily doesn't equal gay. It may not be the prototypical male stereotype - the rough and tough manly man who never shows emotion, but it doesn't mean gay. I'm a pretty emotionally "in-touch" man. I've been known to shed a tear during a sad movie or a moving church service, or if my kids or my girlfriend say something amazing to me.
Sending another man a gay porn video is a HUGE red flag to me. Straight men don't do that. Period. They might call each other gay as a joke because men like to give each other a hard time. They might post an internet meme that uses pictures of gay guys with some kind of joke and refer it to their friend. but they wouldn't send a gay porn video.
I never believe oaths or swears of truth. Words mean nothing to me when given as an oath or swear. They are just words.
Lupita, Why do you want to be in a relationship with a man who you don't trust? It doesn't sound like he makes you feel good as a woman. I spend nearly 20 years with a woman I didn't trust completely and then if fell apart and nearly killed me. I'll never do it again and I can't imagine why anyone else would want to be part of something like this.
Go find a man who you trust.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Lupita
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Re: He swears by his children that he is not gay!
Hi Phoenix, thank you very much for responding. I'm sorry for all the suffering you had to go through with your ex-wife.
English is not my mother tongue and I apologize if I do not use the words properly.
You are quite right: I no longer trust my boyfriend and I prefer to end this relationship. But he is in a in victimization mode and it is very difficult for me to think in the middle of so many contradictory messages. So I asked him for time and distance to clarify my ideas.
I thought that being able to tell you the exact words in his two "lapsus linguis" can help. But I find it very embarrassing and difficult to repeat them. However, I have decided to do it in case it helps to give more light to the matter.
The first slip occurred one day while he was hugging me. He made a movement to rub his chest against mine and exclaimed: "So I like to be hairs with hairs". He immediately tried to correct saying that he was referring to pubic hair, but his embarrassment and gesture of rubbing against my chest were very evident.
The second is even more embarrassing to me. We were in bed, he was doing me oral sex (which he never refused) and I asked him to change his position. But he was so focused (or I do not know how to explain it) that he exclaimed with great emotion: "No! I want to suck dick¨. Again he tried to convince me that he had wanted to say something else.
Just to clarify: his ex-wife was never too obese. By some pictures that I have seen, I think that she increased by about twenty pounds after their pregnancies. She remarried shortly after the divorce and now she looks very slim.
Some other incomprehensible things for me:
Peter includes George in each and every business project he has. However, Peter told me that in the past, George swindle him in the sale of a few cars. When I ask him why he continues to do business with him, Peter tells me that because George is like a brother (and he cries) and other times he tells me that he wants him close so that one day he will pay what he owes him.
Thank you very much for your help!
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: He swears by his children that he is not gay!
Lupita,
Your English is nearly perfect. No worries.
Also, you'll find this forum to be extremely open regarding what we discuss. No need to feel embarrassed at all.
I cannot imagine any straight man ever telling a woman that he preferred a hairy chest or much worse that he preferred to suck dick. That would make me positive that he is homosexual.
If the weight gain was only temporary during pregnancy and she is not permanently obese, then his excuse is completely invalid. Sounds like a big lie.
I think you know the truth about this man.
I would urge you to avoid a life of mistrust and discomfort and eventual heartbreak.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- vicky
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Re: He swears by his children that he is not gay!
Hey Lupita,
My partner is I think closeted bi. He is clearly and most definitely not completely straight by his own drunken admissions and behaviours though in the sober light of day he 'doesn't recall' saying these things.
Why I am commenting is your boyfriends strange friendship. My partner always had a strange friendship with his friend I'll call D. I don't know what or if anything has happened or it's wishful thinking. A few incidents have happened, his friend D came over and I went to sit with them and my BF got so angry that I was there he threw a beer bottle across the yard? No clue why and it was totally out of character and unprovoked, even D was like 'what the hell man'
Second we were at D's house and I had a can of craft beer that I like so I offered D a sip and my BF sulked the rest of the night and when we got home he was angry with me, said it was weird that I would do that, he thought it was an intimate thing to do? WTF?
Also D emailed me to ask me a business question recently and I told my BF and he was annoyed that D sent me an email and wondered why he hadn't asked him instead.
D doesn't always treat my BF that well and yet they are still close friends for some reason.
My point is that it doesn't sound like George treats Peter very well and yet Peter is for some reason really attached to this man. These are strange behaviours between friends and you recognize them as that. I think you need to trust your gut. Maybe there is nothing going on between them, maybe it's wishful thinking on your boyfriends part, he's still friends with someone who has swindled him that is very strange indeed. Only someone with rose coloured glasses on would let someone get away with these things.
Vicky
- Lupita
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Re: He swears by his children that he is not gay!
Hi Phoenix, hi Vicky, thanks for answering.
Phonenix, Yes, I think I've always known the truth. I just wanted to maintain a slight hope that I am wrong ... And I also know that if I continue in this relationship, many moments of doubt and pain like this await me. I will return his ring and his gifts next week. Thank you very much for your support.
Vicky: Only once I spoke with Peter and George together and it was when they told me that among them there was only a clean friendship of 30 years. But about two months later, I found George in a supermarket and after greeting us he mentioned that he had three missed calls from Peter. Then, all their conversation was to enumerate all the things they did together. He also mentioned that he and Peter were making plans to travel together through several states of the country. Peter, he had never told me anything. On that occasion, I had the impression that George was trying to compete with me. But when I told Peter, he only commented that he was not responsible for what George did or said.
The only explanation that I have for Peter to continue doing business with George despite having swindled him, is that among them there is a certain attraction and he will do anything to keep him at his side. I don't know if it's platonic or if there's a couple relationship between them. But I don't want to be in the middle of this. I'm sorry you're going through a similar situation.
Thank you very much for your words of encouragement.
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