Lolita, I am so sorry for the pain you have felt through all of this, and the difficult thing it is to end your marriage.   I am worried about you.  Please do not add to your pain by thinking you are responsible.  And since you posted this in the “faith” thread, Please please please do not use belief to punish yourself more.

Please do not think you are responsible for your husband’s choices.  And please do not think you are responsible for your husband’s attraction to men. 

Please remember that there are a lot of judgmental people.  In church, there are lots of kind and truly loving people, and there are also a lot of people who say and think stupid, unkind things. Some believers think they have all the answers. That does not mean that they do.

I believe God is bigger than we can imagine, and his kindness and mercy are bigger than we can imagine.  I do not believe a merciful God wants to punish you.  I do not believe a kind God wants you to punish yourself.

There are many good and believing men who themselves try to pray and live “perfectly” to change their attractions.  They are not successful.  Instead they torture themselves and this alienates them from their loving creator. 

As a deeply believing, deeply Christian person myself, I ask you: Please do not torture yourself with the idea that if we just had enough faith, that we could make everything work out, especially when our idea of “everything working out” is a human version of what life is.

I do not know myself what exactly God thinks it means for “everything to work out.”  But I do not think he meant that we ourselves have to fix everything. That does not mean we should not try to help and make a difference.  Bit making a difference does not mean “making things a certain way.”

God put us on an imperfect world. He asked us to have faith in Him and faith in his son.  Faith is not so much the tool we use to MAKE everything fit our idea of what is best.  Instead, that faith is what we hold onto to make the difficult choices we face, to remember to treat everyone like children of God, to believe that we do not know all things but that god does, and to hope that somehow “everything will be OK.”

God does not expect us to be perfect to bless us.  God does not use prayer like a test.  He does not have some game board where he measures how many prayers someone says and then gives out treats to people who somehow get enough points.  God is not Santa Claus, and prayers are not our letters to Santa.  Prayers are one way—one important way—we can connect to God.

As Christians, we believe God is powerful.  But we do not really understand God.  How can we? We are humans.  We assume God is a certain way.  And as human beings, and as Christians, we often make things worse for ourselves and others by trying to force God Into a box we have developed.  We try to limit God because in our efforts to understand Him, we forget that we are limited in understanding by our human capacity.

We want to explain what we cannot understand.  We want to understand things so we can feel we are in control.  We are not in control.  So we try to control things by telling each other that if we just had more faith, all things are possible. I want to tell you, that is not true.  What makes Faith powerful is NOT that we use faith to change all things.  Instead, we use faith to change ourselves, and by changing ourselves, everything changes.  Faith helps us face a life we do not understand, a life we cannot control.  And to do it with compassion for others and for ourselves. This is how Faith give us power—we have the power to live, to grieve, to move on, to hope, to cast away fear, to cast our burdens on our Lord, so we are not alone, and we can become whole, holy, like Him. 

Sorry for the length and repetition here. It  just pains me to see religion used as a stick we use to beat ourselves, when it  should be a blessing to help us.  You have experienced some deep pain. It will hurt your faith if you hurt yourself with faith.  See if you can instead allow your faith to grow. Allow your very difficult experiences here to be something you can put on the alter of belief in spite of the messiness of it all.  Let your faith be a refuge, a place to put your pain.  Let your prayers be a way to cry and seek comfort from the One who weeps with you, because He understands.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (February 11, 2019 2:46 pm)