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January 13, 2019 9:59 am  #1

How the Gay thing or TGT is like a mice problem. Gaslighting ++

Hi all, 

I'm continuing my writing journey and this one is a homage to Kel's post on how TGT is like a mice problem.  Or a tree...and the gaslighting extravaganza that most of us have experienced.


January 13, 2019 10:14 am  #2

Re: How the Gay thing or TGT is like a mice problem. Gaslighting ++

Fabulous, Leah.  You have captured the (gaslit) reality of living with a closeted spouse perfectly.


January 13, 2019 11:04 am  #3

Re: How the Gay thing or TGT is like a mice problem. Gaslighting ++

Love that piece Leah. I hope it helps other readers recognise gaslighting, because when you’re in the middle of it you just feel confused, conflicted and drained...and hope too that writing is helping you.


January 13, 2019 12:30 pm  #4

Re: How the Gay thing or TGT is like a mice problem. Gaslighting ++

Thanks, I thought it would help writing all this out.  And I think it helps me see more clearly what I've been through, but I'm still suffering from a sense of injustice.  I wanted to share these pieces with my grown children and his family, but of course, this will only backfire on me as they are only going to find it distressing and I am a source of discomfort.  I inwardly say "fuck 'em then," but really I need to think of my son's loyalty to their father and that relationship.   It still feels like my life has been really robbed from me in ways that can never really be made up for.  I think I'm finally able to see how the cheating liar really did something quite evil.  To face me each day and NOT say anything and continue to just hide and all the energy I put and still feel like I invest in my son's wellbeing while even they just get on with their lives with not much thought of my needs for them to do simple things like call or text. 
I've just started to let go of my GIDX really, and not just see him as somehow going to help me through this.  I wanted him to help me all along, but as time passes I realize how little interest he had in my wellbeing and happiness.  He is smug and arrogant as he has always been.   I have this ingrained habit of thinking him somehow wiser, simply because he was so contemptuous of me for so long and fed my own insecurities.   I am only now realizing how abusive he was.  He has had no remorse about his actions and has avoided taking responsibility for anything really, from getting his things from the house early on to now not replying in a civil manner to me.  I guess I still expected to be able to be at some level appreciated or at least treated with respect, finding that he will never ever really do that is becoming clear.  When we parted early on there were talks about supporting each other as we age.  He even said he'd look after me should I get cancer or something awful.  And I guess I did hope that time would heal this, but now I am starting to see that he has zero interest in doing or saying anything to heal my wounds from his behavior.  Or have any relationship with me which I know I should be thankful for.  Thank god I am out of this terrible relationship, but as many of us know it is hard at times.  This Christmas and New Year have just been one of those times.  

     Thread Starter

January 13, 2019 1:13 pm  #5

Re: How the Gay thing or TGT is like a mice problem. Gaslighting ++

"[color=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.84)]There is a problem in the relationship, but they are totally fine with everything, except you complaining that there is a problem."[/color]
=10.5pxAin't this the truth, 

=10.5pxand for me, post divorce with a disjointed life and years to make up financially, emotionally, as a =10.5pxparent, and as a community member,

=10.5pxI dared, 

=10.5pxBring up in a cautious conversation that every member  of our former family has catching up to do to except her. That she should have the conversations about how our children's lives will always be interrupted and changed from this, and that they deserve to know why. That they deserve to know and see why and how she will handle herself with her parents if she chooses to tell them. 

I dared, 

what I got was, 

"I don't like having deep conversations" and "why are we talking about a married family life that could have happened for them that isn't going to happen, that's not reality" "I wasn't happy" 

=21pxThere is a problem in the relationship (or the life they take no responsibility for), but they are totally fine with everything, except you complaining that there is a problem.

Fucking why!  I get that they were abused by a society, religion, and family that gave them no choice but to be inauthentic. But where is the self-reflection? How the fuck do we get grouped in with a world that caused them to take a fatal turn when they were too young to know the consequences . 

I was just some dude with my own life and problems. My kids weren't even born. 

why and where is the want to give the whole thing the context it deserves. 

it's hording.. 

Fuck me, I get that.... buyer beware,,,

But what I don't get... 

is not doing everything to give the kids the best parts of your own childhood, combined with the benefit of protecting them from what had harmed you. 

She has told me her childhood was perfect, her parents were always supportive, she finished at the top of her class with academic and athletic scholarships. If I can get to this place with her, and tell her the foundations of her upbringing are owned to her children (and i do not imply marriage, simply kid focused community member, normal divorced can handle this role just fine). What I get in return is a disjointed rebuttal that tells me her success only dependent on her ability and no one helped her in any way that made a difference. 


January 13, 2019 1:29 pm  #6

Re: How the Gay thing or TGT is like a mice problem. Gaslighting ++

Bartlett,  You know the truth of how you supported her.  You know the truth about a lot of things, that is never going to go well talking to the person who doesn't want to acknowledge your pain or it seems, even her children's pain.  We have to "go higher'  when they go low, we go high" said by Michelle Obama.  She is giving you grief.  You have enough of that.  Let the justice of the universe take care of her.  Let it go.  I keep trying to do this.  Get out of the way of trying to make them 'do' anything to make up for the mess they leave for us.  Just go high.... 

     Thread Starter

January 14, 2019 10:16 pm  #7

Re: How the Gay thing or TGT is like a mice problem. Gaslighting ++

Well written analogy Leah.  

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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