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- FML
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Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general
I'm in the midst of trying to make sense of my life, my journey is still new - it has been almost 2 months. I am still living with my husband trying to figure out what it would mean to stay, but I am also trying to imagine what it would be like to start over, because my gut tells me this will be the most likely reality whether I like it or not. In part, I think I am struggling to make sense of either scenario because I have been robbed of my trust in myself and I no longer feel qualified to assess my own past, let alone imagine my future. I want to regain my sense of self, some confidence, and I can only hope that I will find some clarity with time. Did you guys feel this way too? Does it only begin to get better once you are away from your GID spouses and in your own space?
I wish my husband would stop insisting that we should grow old together, that he loves me dearly, and that all he wants is me when his actions tell a completely different story. All he can promise me is right now, and that he will tell me if that changes. How can you know a person who doesn't know themselves? I am starting to feel more confident that my marriage needs to end and that I need to be free from this. I don't want to lose myself in this process any more than I already have. I've lost 17 years, but I don't want to give up any more of myself to a lie. I do worry, "how will I ever trust anyone again?" But it feels like closing myself off would be a failure, and I don't want to give up. I also don't want to be hurt again, so it will be a challenge, and right now I can't imagine ever being able to feel enough trust to open myself up in an intimate relationship again. I definitely need time by myself, to discover who I am again. It does help me to hear about the progress others are making. It gives me hope.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general
FML,
In short, yes, and yes. Yes what you say about the way this whole thing undermines your confidence in your ability to assess your life, and yes, it does get better once you're away.
What your spouse, and mine, want/wanted when they "future faked"--we can grow old together!--was to secure their closet; what I wanted--and maybe you do, too--was the life I thought I had. My suggestion, a year out from moving out and initiating divorce proceedings (and three months after the final court hearing) is that you try to focus on the nearer future, just getting away. As you live your life on your own, your sense of your future and the possibilities for it will change.
For me, putting physical distance between me and my ex, got me out of the crazy reality he wanted to keep me in and helped me get the perspective necessary to make the final break.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 5, 2019 8:35 pm)
- Violated
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Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general
Out, Ditto.
Onward......
- ThisSeason
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Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general
FML wrote:
I wish my husband would stop insisting that we should grow old together, that he loves me dearly, and that all he wants is me when his actions tell a completely different story. All he can promise me is right now, and that he will tell me if that changes. How can you know a person who doesn't know themselves?
My wife makes statements like this too, and I think on some level she means it. Then other times I can tell that she is completely different, as if the most important thing to her is to go out and experience life as a lesbian.
I do not want to keep going through all of this when there is no true commitment or promise that makes me feel safe and secure long-term. Even if she did make a commitment, how could I believe it after the infidelity and with TGT always looming over us.
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Thread Starter- FML
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Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general
ThisSeason, I can relate to your statement about your spouse making statements about her love for you and seeming to mean it, but then seeing her switch into someone entirely different, someone you don't recognize or know - I am seeing that with my husband as well. I suppose it has to be expected as they have been living a "false" life all these years and are trying to sort out for themselves what is real and what isn't, or perhaps more accurately, which thing is more real to them. It doesn't make it less painful or confusing for us. I so desperately wish that I could stop looking to him for clues, as I know this is a mistake that will only serve to confuse and hurt me further. I feel like I know who I am at my core, I just don't understand how I could have misunderstood my own life so very very badly. Even in the current confusion that has been thrust upon me, I have never actively tried to life a lie, although I concede that perhaps that is exactly what I am trying to do now. I need time to come to grips with what has happened, figure out what I am supposed to do and how to support myself, and I suppose most importantly, I need time to prove to myself that this new life I am being presented with cannot meet my needs. While I feel it in my gut that my marriage is over, I need to be sure that it is not fear or hurt that is driving my decisions, but my own truth.