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January 17, 2019 2:27 pm  #11


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

Since I filed for divorce and let my circle of close friends know ... I've been getting "vibes" from two different guys who seem to be ... Flirting???  With me???

The problem for me is that I'm so focused on getting OUT of this relationship, it's hard for me to imagine trading one husband for the next husband like some kind of house-flipper.

Plus I don't understand my own sexuality, which at this point has been repressed for over half my life.  It's not like I can just turn around and have sex and everything will function perfectly.  It was always a pretty delicate balance to begin with -- I think if you were to ask my husband "What kind of foreplay turns your wife on?" he wouldn't have a clue how to answer.  He never gave it a moment's thought.  That's actually my responsibility -- I was so ashamed of my sluggish sexual response that I didn't even try.  And, two decades of abstinence didn't exactly help me -- I think my sexuality has simply atrophied.  

So yes, I would like to gain it back, but I can't imagine it's just like riding a bicycle, you never forget!  I can't even imagine being in bed with a man.  I can't even wrap my brain around how I'd figure out how to be sexually responsive when I've only known how to keep a man interested and not allow my sexuality to be too much of a turn-off for him.

 

January 17, 2019 4:14 pm  #12


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

I just realized how cynical I have become. I get so annoyed at all those 'happy' posts on FB, but we know peoples lives are not that perfect. I don't know where I'm going to end up or even IF I get out. I have a different thought about it on a daily basis. I am at the point where I just don't care what happens to me anymore. 
 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

January 17, 2019 7:19 pm  #13


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

Hi TS,

yes I'll take every ounce of cynicism I can muster.  I tend to believe first and question later and my GIDex was able to lead me round the mulberry bush effortlessly.  Until my gut instinct was not just peppering me with nightmares while I slept but also awake - I remember this moment, it was before I had any conscious idea he was gay - I was in the middle of an awful drama in my family and we were walking up through the garden to the car and he was going to drive me to the airport.  I said to him I feel like I am living a nightmare.  And he turned round to me and said that's because you are, it's real, you really are living a nightmare.  And I felt grateful, I thought he was being so sympathetic, and I looked down at the grass we were walking over and this voice in my head says Beware the snake in the grass.  And again.  and again.  And I am thinking about my family problems and relating it to that but looking back how much plainer can my gut instinct speak?

And how chilling the message was.  What a snake, right beside me on the grass.  I did not know how much of a nightmare I was living, he did.  And he was entertained by that, he was having a joke at my expense.

 

January 18, 2019 9:17 am  #14


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

Ugh, Lily, I am so sorry. I can relate--had similar moments that, in retrospect, I realize he was probably getting off on seeing me suffer while he knew the even more hurtful truth. Seriously, the lack of empathy and lack of morality is staggering to me. I hope your hurtful memories fade some so you can have some peace.

 

January 18, 2019 3:25 pm  #15


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

thanks Estella, so good to be able to write these things and receive such clear and sympathetic understanding.  I think part of the reason I didn't see him for what he was for so long despite the suffering was just because it was such a nightmare I couldn't take it seriously, it can't be that bad, right?  no not right it really was a nightmare and so I live here and the colours of the sunrise in the windows and I am about to go for a swim in the river and I have realised of late I am coming to really like living with myself - my peacefulness is growing.  (must be a good day, really i whine a lot but not today it seems!)

 

January 18, 2019 5:43 pm  #16


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

A beautiful image, Lily! Good for you and hooray!

 

January 22, 2019 11:30 pm  #17


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

ThisSeason wrote:

I'm a few months post discovery and have begun to come to terms with the reality that TGT isn't going away, and that I will have to start over, reaching old age with my spouse is not going to happen the way we always thought it would.  

The bolded part is the one I most have trouble dealing with. I'm 40 now, and I was done looking. I still feel like I AM done looking. 

Honestly, I thought I was already done looking by the time I met her. After my previous ex broke up with me 7 years ago, I dated around a bit, but I didn't want to be in a serious LTR again unless I found someone who was a perfect match. But then I quickly became extremely close friends with someone new (my now-LX), which started as platonic and a year later transitioned into a relationship (which she initiated). Two years after that, we moved in together. She taught me a lot about how to love someone, and I got to the point where I could feel good about being with someone seriously again, because it was with my best friend and not just a runaway romantic thing. Then TGT came up this past autumn. Since then we've been transitioning back into being friends and roommates. But while she's off dating women now, I'm feeling empty about the whole idea of dating at all.

People tell me I'll find someone new and that this isn't the end for me, but I've already started over a few times in my life. I don't want to again. It feels awful, it's so much work, and the dating scene has gotten exponentially worse since I was last single. So now I'm just washing my hands of it. If anyone ever wants to be with me, they'll have to come to me. Otherwise I'm just going to live my life solo and go back to being done looking.

Last edited by someheavyocean (January 22, 2019 11:31 pm)

 

January 23, 2019 7:59 am  #18


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

Hi Someheavyocean,

I am turning 50 this summer, and I, too, was never into dating for its own sake, so I get where your feelings come from. I think what you describe was also talked about by Paul Nelson on the Straight Spouse Voices podcast. If I am remembering correctly, Paul talked about picking up the threads of the things he had done before the relationship and continuing forward with them as his focus. That resonated with me--I don't feel like I am starting over so much as continuing on my personal journey with one less person accompanying me on that journey. No one can send me back to square one, I decided, because I know I've accomplished a lot on my own. In the future, individuals might be invited to join me where I'm at, but I have no intention of leaving the trail and circling back to the beginning just to meet up with them. It sounds like you're in that place, too, but maybe that's not a bad place to be?

Lily, I'm going to try to cultivate a little more of your healthy cynicism in my life. Thanks for the inspiration!

 

January 23, 2019 10:16 am  #19


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

Someheavyocean wrote"People tell me I'll find someone new and that this isn't the end for me, but I've already started over a few times in my life. I don't want to again. It feels awful, it's so much work, and the dating scene has gotten exponentially worse since I was last single. So now I'm just washing my hands of it. If anyone ever wants to be with me, they'll have to come to me. Otherwise I'm just going to live my life solo and go back to being done looking."

I wasn't looking after 27 year marriage ended with my LXW but it happened. I have now been remarried to a straight woman for over 8 years.

Sometimes things just happen.

Clif

 

January 23, 2019 11:54 pm  #20


Re: Cynical and parinoid over TGT and relationships in general

I don't mean to seem like I'm closed off to loving again. Just that I was already done actively searching before I met my LX, and I don't think I'll be actively searching again either. Agreed though, sometimes things just happen.

In the meantime, I feel like I've had some emotional setbacks in the past week due to things she's said. I know she still has feelings for me, and it seems like she doesn't want to permanently shut the door for good on a future with me if the circumstances were right. I know I can't hold out hope for that, but it's hard not to. If anything, the distance from our relationship has given me the objectivity to make me realize how I truly feel about her, and that's gotten harder, not easier. Maybe I do need to put some space between us.

 

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