"And when you are dealing with a master liar, what can you do? They are going to be good at painting a picture of you as over-reacting, uptight, crazy, etc. So I think that's really common, and not confined to those struggling with TGT, but rather a mark of almost any cheater/abuser.

But when you have no idea what is going on in your house when you aren't there -- when you can't trust them with a key like you would a nanny or pet sitter or friend -- well, it gave me such a high level of feeling panicked and unsafe that *even I* could recognize that a truly loving spouse would not ask their partner to live with that anxiety and unsafe feeling as though that should be normal. When a well meaning friend said, Maybe you could stay together and you could agree to install a nanny cam to monitor his activities... well, I am pretty sure healthy marriages don't include a security guard in front of a bank of cameras.

So don't give in to these attempts to blameshift or make this your problem to solve. You do deserve relationships built on trust with adults who take responsibility for their actions. That's not an "extra" in a marriage, it's the foundation, and I don't care what kind of stellar building sits atop it--it will tumble over every time if that foundation isn't there."

Perfectly said Estella. Sometimes I think these therapists need duct tape therapy. (Over their lips to shut them up.)
I'm starting to think the ones that agree with the cheating spouse and try to keep couples together are gay themselves or just pocketing a lot of change on your time clock. Questions to ponder through various posters that have been there done that, I'd like to repeat as reminders that may help. Such as, 
> Does it matter if they are really gay, bi, straight, freak or whatever?= They cannot be trusted.
> Why would someone go to such lengths and take the massive risks involved with TGT just to get laid?
Excuses I've heard:
> They were horny and had needs.= Well isn't that what your spouse is for? You know the one over there complaining that they need more sex?
> They didn't see it as cheating if it's with the same sex.= Oh, if you didn't think you were cheating then why did you go to such great measures to hide it?
> It's easier with men and there are no emotions involved.= So I guess these emotional breakdowns your having now that your busted or the stress trying to plan these things out to ensure that you don't get caught or go to jail is easier than a quick whack job with your own hand? Piece of cake huh?
> They were just curious...not gay or bi..= Really? Curious as to what divorce feels like?....Humiliation, embarrassment when the whole town thinks you're gay when I tell them? Curious about how many anonymous hookups you can have before you catch an STD? Is it anything like football?
> They were just wondering what a penis felt like...as if they never felt their own. 

I could go on and on but it doesn't change the fact that they don't change simply because they can't.
They are gay. Period. And no human can change that. 


 

Thank you all so much for your great points. I totally agree. I’ll keep you posted.

Last edited by Mimi (January 11, 2019 9:07 pm)

Mimi,

Its interesting to me because I had an spouse that was blatantly cheating and did not want to be married anymore...there was no question of her wanting to save the marriage.   

I went to therapy for myself so i could wrap my head around how cruel i was being treated.  When i got back from therapy she asked me if i "learned what I did wrong"? 
I was like huh? Wtf?  In my mind i was like I learned that im married to a gay cheating wife.

While some say they never knew their spouse because of TGT I will say I knew my then wife and knew she would never go to therapy with me and I knew in my bones if she did she would blame everything including the gayness and cheating on me. To this day she lives in an alternate reality or really by a different set of broken morals. 

I'm not sure what you hope to get out of the therapy with him..an admission or an im sorry?  Whatever you learn I admire your strength and courage for going..
I would say be prepared to be more hurt and for him to  cast blame for his actions on you.  Know that there is nothing you could have done to cause his gayness or actions.. Dont let the  therapist convince you otherwise.   I would,say if the therapist makes one of those naive ignorant statements like "there are 2 sides to every marriage problem" to get up and walk out.

Wishing you strength and fortitude..

Last edited by Rob (January 20, 2019 1:27 pm)

Mimi wrote:

Any advice on how to handle the therapy? To be honest, my gut feeling tells me he’s gay and not bisexual. Should I bring this up in the session or let the therapist get there? Does it even matter? I think the fact that he’s bi is already a deal breaker for me. I don’t trust him that he’s never acted on it. His online history proves otherwise. I can’t trust the future, living in doubt and fear.

He wants to make it about trust. Asks me to trust him that he’ll never act on it in the future. But does it even matter? I’ve been unhappy and in a sexless marriage. How is couples therapy going to magically change it all?

Sorry for rambling. Any advice is much appreciated.

 
Hello Mimi,

I am going to therapy with my STBE, whom first told me he was bi, and later on gay. We have a baby together so it is good for me, for now, to have a neutral space where I bring everything that I need to get off my chest regarding the subject, or that for practical reasons I need to discuss. I believe therapy, both individual and couples, only works if there is honesty, there is no point if you think he is lying to himself and to you. If you think he is going to be honest an open up is a different story.

I relate soooooo much to how he wants to make it about you and your lack of trust in that “he is not going to act on it”, so why would you be anxious or worried!!  Three years ago I received an email from my stbe about how he was thinking way too much about men to be married with a woman. When he saw he was losing me he backed up from it, and said that he would never act on it anyway, and made it all about how I was not able to trust him, and how he had done nothing. The thing is he may not have been with anybody yet, he swears, but he majorly ACT on it when some months ago he told me he would not be intimate with me anymore, and that he was gay. He ACTIVELY broke our marriage and family.

My marriage was also almost sexless and very frustrating, lots of excuses about it (his body disphoria, being asexual, extra weight, identifying as a woman later and rejecting his own genitals, and I am sure I am forgetting one or two) Now, together with the bisexual thing, I see is as a major red flag.

Go with your gut, set your boundaries, and if you end up going to therapy have a previous understanding of what you need it for and what can you get from it. If it is not serving your needs maybe it is not necessary at that point.

I hope this helps, sending strength and good vibes your way.