Consult an attorney to learn the divorce laws where you live. Maybe you can arrange to have him served with the divorce papers at the site of the tryst. Probably however you will not want to tip your hand that fast, luscious as that may sound from the standpoint of revenge. 

If you have been having sex with him you need to arrange to be tested for all types of sexually transmitted diseases. You also will want to know as much as possible about your legal rights. You may want to consult more than one attorney to find one one whom you feel comfortable working with and whose fees you can afford. Some offer free initial consultations. I went to a pricey one who was noted for aggressiveness and had to pay for the initial consult but the money was well-spent because once he knew which attorney I had consulted it brought him up fast and he was much more ready to get an attorney and to negotiate with the less expensive attorney I decided to retain.

I was married for more than 30 years and you can't get back years wasted on trying to hold together a marriage that one partner is not willing to honor. There may be reasons to hold off for awhile filing for divorce but staying thinking that things will get better is, in my opinion, a total waste of time when s/he is sexually attracted to the same sex.

Welcome to the club that no one wants to join.

You could show up (or send your brother), and he'll claim that he knew all along that it was a ruse. Or that it was just a fantasy - he had no intention of actually following through on anything sexual.  Even if you dressed in a man suit and had sex with him, he'd tell you afterward that the only reason he f*cked you is because he knew it was really you. He won't admit that he's gay.

The issue isn't whether he's full-blown gay or not. The issue you have here is an unfaithful, dishonest, cheating man. And not one who fell victim to a weak moment in time, but one who is actively searching for strangers to have sex with. And then he'll come home and kiss you on the lips and smile at you with those filty lips.  On TOP of all of that, it's with men.

Even if you catch him,... even if you get him to admit there's a problem,... even if he promises that he loves you and wants you and will never do it again, you can't trust him now.  His lying heart has already betrayed you.

I'm sorry you're in this position.  It's such a confusing, sad and angry time for you.  We're here.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 29, 2016 9:03 pm)

L & S...I feel you have made an excellent first step in regaining your strength and control of YOUR life by making an appt. to see a counselor.  I finally did this last week and she put things in an interesting perspective for me in just that one visit.  For me, I need to treat this "relationship" as him being a ROOM MATE bc he is living in MY home.  It has changed my thinking to what I DON'T have which s/b a loving, trusting and intimate partner.  He is NOT any of those things and what little interest he "appears" to show otherwise is just using me for that "cover" as you have read in these posts.  Anything that serves his own needs for whatever purpose is the reality I'm facing.  Yes, there are things he does that are king and generous but a room mate can also share this with me.  For me, I'm quietly getting my power back, getting the strength I need to make a major decision in my life.  At the time it is healthy for ME, he will know that I KNOW everything but now I am searching online for a part time job which will give me the finances to have a financial reserve when this fiasco blows up.  It will be on MY timeline, when I feel comfortable and financially stable to deal with the emotions of a death in this relationship I thought I had.  Yes, a counselor is the first step(in my opinion) to regain your power and ensure you do not set a pattern with someone IF you choose to search for a healthy relationship in your future.  This sucks but we are much stronger than we think.  

Hi L&S - so sorry you're here.  I see you've already received some good advice from all of our people so I'll just add my two cents.

I think if it were me I'd gather as much proof as I could and keep pretending to be the other guy.  I'd tell him that something has come up and you can't make it, but then either plan to make it another time  OR keep stringing him along, tell him you're not sure if you're ready to meet.  Get as much back and forth as you can and then print that stuff out and sit it neatly in his lap one day soon.  Don't even tell him what it is, just let him start reading.  Clearly, he won't know it's you who has been emailing him all this time so he will come up with some excuse.  Let him fumble around and use that excuse first before you drop the bomb that it was you all along.  It makes it much less likely that he can twist and manipulate the situation because then all of his brainpower went in to creating an excuse before he knew all of the information. 

It might all sound unnecessary but believe me, in my experience they will use every angle to "clear up" every lie.  The more you can disprove their lie, the better off you will be.  The way I finally decided to end my disaster of a marriage for good was that I had found gay porn again after him saying he had not looked at it for the last 12 months.  Since I already knew it was there including the history of looking day after day I decided not to confront him with the evidence but instead, to give him the ability to tell me the truth.  I very calmly asked: so it's been about a year, how are you doing with the whole gay porn thing?  Are you still looking?  Just be honest if you are so we can just talk about it.  He looked me straight in the eyes and said: absolutely not, I can't believe you would think that.  And went on to say how disappointed he was in that question.  For me, I knew that was it, the end.  Looking your spouse in the eye and not only lying but making them feel bad for asking is the lowest of the low.  It transcends anything gay or anything else.  It just makes him outright dishonest and sketchy.  So I proceeded to tell him that I guess he wouldn't mind if I checked his laptop that he travels with.  He then exhibited behavior I've never seen of a grown man.  He grabbed the laptop and started running around the house with it.  Anytime I'd get close he would run to the next room.  I finally just started laughing and said, don't worry, I've already seen it, dumbass.  And so began my first steps to freedom and mental freedom.  I no longer cared.

My point to that whole, long story is that most of these people are terrific manipulators.  If given even one shred of doubt from you they can create something and spin it back into the truth and then you start questioning the proof you had.  You have a smoking gun.  Print it, save it, save screen shots, make copies.  One of our computers was mysteriously "destroyed".  But after you do all that, present him with it with not so much as a word from you.  When you tell him it's even more than printed emails but that you were on the other end maybe, just maybe he will finally tell the truth. 

My final comment is to make sure your sister or close friend or someone knows what's going on.  My ex never got crazy or violent when I confronted him - but idk your husband's personality.  You deserve closure and to present him with the truth, just be careful.
 

Last edited by Still Wondering (August 30, 2016 7:26 pm)

Hello,

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I can't imagine this happening in a relationship of 22 years. My relationship ended after only 3 and 1/2 years of marriage to a gay woman. This sounds very familiar. He will not admit to being gay. I gave her many chances to admit and come clean also and she would not do it. That seems to be how they are.

I think you know, in your heart, what you have to do. It is very difficult to admit that things will never change, but they won't. That desire will be, and probably always has been there for him. Like an addict, they will not stop wanting it. Their ability to lie to our face and make excuses, even blame us. I know it's easier said than done to just walk away from a long relationship, but it really is the best thing to do. For both of you.

I am by no means an expert in this, but trust me, these early days are the worst part. It will get better.