I don't have mental health problems. I really don't. I've suffered anxiety when I became aware of the long-term large-scale gas-lighting I was exposed to. And I didn't really have anyone to help with that. Even my full support team wants to push it into simple divorce, and maybe they are right, but it continues, the toxic weirdness. 

What prompted me to become active in posting here has been the holidays, it's the first year living apart and post divorce. 

I have only 50/50 child custody. During the divorce I prob listened to her too much and empathized with her too much. I was failing to see, during  a critical time, her for what she has always been. I still held on to some idea that our dysfunction was part my fault. 

She has always caused problems, asked for her continued support to help her fix her and why she caused problems, and she would always carry on and getting more and giving less. If I confront her, she loads that up, and claims mental abuse. 

Post-Divorce example:

I had my kids for 90% of x-mas break. She declares to them and me that we will be a family still, and that now will take the form of co-parenting as friends. She bought a house a block away, and the idea was the kids could come and go from each house on any days as long as they were based and parented out the the house with that day's custody and overnight. 

During our marriage she always missed a lot of time with our children, and that makes sense. The problem was she would tell the kids she was going to be home. If they called her on it, it was because she had to work, and it was hard being the provider (inferring my fault). That took it's toll on me as the stay at home parent and later as the parent that made way less. 

She has told them, I'll be around more when dad gets a job, and I'll be around more after the divorce. For years I've given up trying to get her to play a more active parenting role. She thinks she is. I've switched to just tell the kids if you're going to be gone, and please don't make any promises about the time you will have to spend with them. 

And in divorce, Please tell us or them at the very least if you are going out of state or gone longer than three days. 


She says she can, she can't, she was gone for a week without telling them over their break. 

she tells me she wants to be great co-parents, she tells the kids they can come to her house anytime to see her, and to please do because she will miss them. She bought her house a block away for everyone's benefit, and so our broken family can survive in a better way for all. 

and she still sucks.       The kids both had deep cries at different times when she was gone, and I know that could have been avoided if she just told them ahead of time she would be out of town for a week.     
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I too have been active here as the holidays have triggered all sorts of grief and an awareness that my journey is not over.  So true @thisseason divorce doesn't make it all go away.  I still am so prone to self-doubt and wondering if it was my fault.  I think the gas-lighting for so long does make you prone to much more self-doubt because you've believed what someone else tells you about YOU.  I believed I was the crazy one, the demanding one, while really he was!  It seems to take a long time though.  I'm three years post disclosure and still feeling like I want to fix it all.  That somehow I can make it easier for my now grown sons.  That I can still have the family life I dreamed of.... but it is all a clearer when I start to write it all out.  There is no clear cut solution other than healing slowly from what has been long term abuse and manipulation.  It takes all the time it takes.  As much as I want it to be over, I am feeling the need lately to really look at it closely.  And it is good to really see how awful it is to betray someone for so long even knowing and having them tell you they are unhappy in the relationship.  I wanted a divorce so often, but I didn't really understand why it just felt so wrong. Anyway Barlett, it takes time.  

Bartlett,
 My ex was a person for whom "out of sight, out of mind" was also the watchword.  I, too, wondered why he seemed to be so indifferent, and he, too, like your wife, tried to convince me over and over that his behavior was either normal or "no big deal, just the way I am, and if you know that's the way I am, you should accommodate it by contacting me."  It took me a long time to understand that his behavior, and your wife's behavior of "no contact while away" then when home coming to your place and acting as if all is fine, is called "intermittent reinforcement," is the way trauma bonds are created and perpetrated.  This is a very unhealthy situation for your kids in the long run (and has been for you, too, I'll wager).  
   You are absolutely right: she wants it all on her terms.  It's up to you to establish some boundaries, and to do so is to protect your kids from what is a form of emotional abuse. Whether she's deliberate about it or not, whether she's genuinely in pain or not, it's still abuse and it's unhealthy for your kids.
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 13, 2019 10:07 am)