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January 2, 2019 6:45 am  #1

to Ssblink

Re your story "my mission is complete, I think" -

your mission is just beginning!  I dare you, no I double triple dare you to approach the next straight woman who you feel interested in and see where that leads you.

You cannot sacrifice yourself on the altar of a best friend even if you have had children with her.  Even more so - you now have three children who have a mother with some major problems - they will need you all the time, a big vibrant you.  You are your mission, you must rehabilitate you!

Make your love life the priority now, not hers.

I found your story touching to read.

 Wishing you all the best, Lily



January 2, 2019 10:06 am  #2

Re: to Ssblink

great post Lily. I hope ssblink reads and takes this to heart.

As much as we love our spouses, in these circumstances we do have to continually strive to put self-care above all else. We can't help others if we are broken, depressed, suffering, or neglected.


January 2, 2019 11:58 am  #3

Re: to Ssblink

I want to respond to ssblink too,

I am not in the same situation, and I'm pissed right now. 


I felt the same way when my wife came out. 

1 1/2 years later, It's clear. The marriage the kids everything was for personal survival and personal success. Your Wife needed you, it sounds, for actual survival. With BPD, PTSD, and physical health problems, she could have died without you. 

You are a super human 

But, in my world, 

my wife was healthy enough to use me to blow up her life success and create her personal space. She strung the marriage along, got where she wanted to be, came out to me (she's still in otherwise), and threw me away,

Live your life now, And take care of your children, don't plan on her too. 



January 2, 2019 1:33 pm  #4

Re: to Ssblink

I would say that judging from my experience and many of the others I've read about, your position on things will change over the coming days, weeks, and months ssblink. Take your time and think through things, and continue to seek outside help (forums like this, real world friends, counselors) so that you can be sure to get multiple perspectives on what you are dealing with.

Prayers for you and everyone else dealing with similar situations to be strong and make the right decisions for our own best interests.


January 2, 2019 5:50 pm  #5

Re: to Ssblink

thanks for your understanding and encouragement.  

The thing I thought when I read it again just now is Ssblink has probably read 'make your love life your priority' and wanted to tear his hair out, muttering about how his wife and family is his love life.  But he has just got through telling us it's a bust with his wife and no wonder, she's a lesbian.

when a straight of the monogamous responsible caring variety mates, something happens to the way we think.  It's automatic and we don't really notice it at the time but we share the thought process, divide it up leave some of the thinking to our partner.  It's a risk, but we trust them.  There's a payoff for this and it's big - two heads are better than one.  Instinctively this higher level of function is what we expect of ourselves in a partnership, when you become single you adjust your expectation back and that is when I noticed it.  And it's been shocking.  I function better as soon as I left my ex, and now that I have adjusted to single person expectation i am much more easy going and accepting with myself by a country mile to how I ever was with him.  Far from a payout, my function had deteriorated by sharing it with him, and there wasn't anything I could do about that, it wasn't my fault. 

When I thought it was my fault then I could hope to fix it but when I first accepted those intimations that my trust was misplaced, it was a body blow.  Complete with that gust of panic-edged fear, the knell of deep ire, the howling sorrow that we feel at such times.

Wishing everyone all the best, Lily 


Last edited by lily (January 2, 2019 5:54 pm)

     Thread Starter

January 3, 2019 9:10 am  #6

Re: to Ssblink

Interesting concept Lily about how we bond with our mates and adopt their ways of thinking. I can see how that could be true, even when my spouse isn't around it's as if the decisions I make are subconsciously affected by what their thoughts and feelings on the matter would be.


January 3, 2019 10:11 am  #7

Re: to Ssblink

Yes, and it's exactly what our spouses/partners stop doing when they decide to come out or are protecting their closets...and probably haven't been doing all along--we just assumed they were, because we were.  This was one of the most difficult things for me to grasp, and I was continually hurt and surprised and papered over the instances when it was clear he wasn't taking me into account.  When he came out, his self-centeredness rose to a whole new level, one I couldn't help but see and understand.  It hurt, but at least it made it easier to emotionally detach and see his behavior more clearly.


January 3, 2019 12:58 pm  #8

Re: to Ssblink

That's where I'm at, 


That the behavior that coveted me and the behavior that abandoned me was the same behavior. 

For a real long time I thought my ex had a split personality or had been brainwashed by a mentor and lifestyle. 

For 14 years my ex needed me to be everywhere she was at. one day, she just didn't. 

I had thought the first part was love, and we did everything in support of each other planing on a lifetime together. Only she was planing a life in the closet and was grooming me to fill in the blanks. She pursued her career and I stayed home with the kids. 

About 4 years ago, during what I thought was a personality shift, she went from always around to never around. I asked for help with the kids, she said she had to work to support us, she had to eat meals around work, she had to workout, she had to vacation with her mentor from work. All to support us, and she began telling me she unhappy and it was my fault. 

It got real bad, she tried to convince me I was an alcoholic, that I hated woman, that I abused her, that I was abusing our children, that I only wanted to control her because I hated my mother or her mother. That I was unattractive to her that I was spending too much of her money, that I was bi-polar. 

It happened fast, and early on during the change I had a panic attack after she left for an 11 day wellness retreat with her mentor. She came back, the her I thought I knew came back. But she took me to a mental hospital where I was diagnosed with bi-polar, 

she wanted to distance herself further after that and encouraged me to take pills. I didn't. she said if I didn't take pills I had to get a job. My kids already were suffering, and my ex made more than enough $ for everyone. And still refused to help me parent, and blamed me. 

I asked her if she was gay, I knew then. But her denial was crazy and she just insisted I was crazy anxious and depressed. I became more so, but the treatment of it all didn't make sense. Treatment that she, at the time had a hand in. So I gave up. Went back to school, and put it on my shoulders. I told myself it was my fault. I wasn't keeping up with her and that is why she was the way she was. and that my becoming the primary parent had a negative affect on her.

Life was hell, I had began this part of the game having figured it out, but the denial she had got me too. I wanted my partner back, her help with the kids, and some rest. I got more distance, no kid help, and full time school 3 months after a panic attack and hospital stay. 

She labeled me broken. Told me not to tell anyone, and underminded me when ever she could. And told me I was ruining her life. 

I would point out to her she was gone too much. Too many overnights out of the house for a mother of young children. She would point to a random vacation I didn't know about and say she lost her deposit, and that that was a sacrifice she had to make because she was married to a sick person (she had already been gone for what totaled 2 months of overnights) 

My son was struggling in school, I asked for help, she took him to a dr and within a few weeks wanted to put him on meds. I found a therapist to try first. I confronted her and told her I needed her help, but she had no right to decide what was best. Not with out making time to read him a book, coach a sport, or do his hw with him. 

She emailed the therapist and told her I was the cause of all of my sons problems because I refused to take meds for my bi-polar. That what she really needed to do was to get me to see the harm I was causing. 

My son left therapy after a year, and we were told he has a mild form of adhd, and high intelligence. 

I got good grades in school and became the father I never thought I could have been. I got a job, and I asked my wife to remarry. she came out of the closet to me. and it went to hell again, I bounced around jobs, kept up with the kids and whatever,

today I am still trying to grasp that this person I thought had split in two, was always one, and not who I thought she was. That she has always been incapable of what she says, and I was always swept up in what ever phase of her life she was in. She played my normal behavior of trust, love, anger, empathy, and common family values the whole time. 

I'm not bi-polar. I finally saw someone by myself during the divorce. After 6 months, and for the last year plus I've seen him regularly. I needed to be absolutely sure about it. I disclosed all of my previous medical mental work with him and took test. I told him to monitor me overtime to make sure I didn't cheat on the test. And, I told him every side of every argument to be fair. Often times I recanted every issue I had with my ex to him, past and present, and flat out asked if my actions were bi polar. 

My ex now tells me I lack self confidence, that's my problem. 

It's been hard, when I bottle it up my heart flutters. I'd see a doctor, but it goes away if I talk about it. So it's mental. 

sorry I highjacked this thread, the original reason I responded was to caution the people in the convo 

its never been what it seemed to be, and it changes in harmful ways depending on the gay spouse's transformation from denial into primary victim. They want us to be a secondary victim of them, which we are, but we are also primary victims of their denial. I believe the guilt of this caused a cognitive disassociation in my ex that gives her a complete lack of empathy and moves her all the way to projecting me as a cause of harm while simultaneously still relying on me to support her, which makes no sense. And she normalizes it, wants it to be the way the world works. its why, original poster, it's so dangerous.            


January 3, 2019 8:37 pm  #9

Re: to Ssblink

"..disbelief, that the behaviour that coveted me and the behaviour that abandoned me was the same behaviour"

brilliant Bartlett.

So many times the men have come here and described how the woman they fell in love with turned into a monster.  And generally speaking it always seems to coincide with their finding a girlfriend and wanting to be with them.  

When I had my panic attack I knew he was gay and hiding it but I hadn't understood just how much he was hiding himself from me and still believed he was nicer than he was but there I am having a panic attack at the thought of going home.

Eventually the point came and I am just standing there looking at him.  I felt like I was looking at a Dalek, a crab hidden inside a big shell, oh there he is, doing his own thinking quite independent of me - and he always had been.  Just stringing me along.

     Thread Starter

January 6, 2019 5:15 am  #10

Re: to Ssblink

Oh Bartlett, I feel your pain in this.  I felt so much of that projection that my GIDXH did with making it ALL about me and my mental health, not to the extreme degree, but that bait and switch tactic is just to deflect blame from themselves.  If she can make out that you are such a terrible person to be with, then it justifies her behaviour.   Watching actions and not listening to words helps.  It is crazy making stuff and we wonder why we feel slightly insane....!  


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