Mrslonely,

First, while you may feel lonely now don't let that screen name define you..  your lonely now.  Your hurting now.   Its hard to see because maybe it has been years but everything is a season.


Second,  yeah he's probably gay...but it matters little..he is not putting you first above even a friend.  And a caring spouse does not sex starve their spouse.
(Its ironic that if I look back at my marriage and relationship with her I always had to initiate..she didn't starve me by any means but like you I grew weary and noticed she would not initiate for months if I didnt...I though all woman are like this..ha).

Its the betrayal and disloyalty you feel in your gut that has you writing in here.  We can feel it in our bones.  One would think a spouse, beat friend, lover and parent of our children would not do this to us.  But boy did I find out how wrong I was.  My lezex had no remorse or real love...she actually was harboring a deep hatred of me..all while saying she loved me..but cheating.

Third,  take a deep breath and remain calm.  It is a shock.  Gather strength with a personal therapist, friends, doctor, priest.  Be kind to yourself..you did nothing wrong to cause this..
Discretely start taking small steps for yourself. You a matter and your kids need one strong sane parent.

Fourth,  alone is ok.  Better to be alone that with a cheating distrustful person..our bodies will physically tell us this.  You cannot live wondering if your husband is out with a friend having a beer or having sex. That is not what we vowed when we took our marriage vows (before god).

A sincere e-hug (virtual but sincere and authentic)

Last edited by Rob (August 29, 2016 6:37 am)

Hi MrsLonely,

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  So many of us here have gone through something similar with regards to the lack of kissing, sex, passion, initiation, reception to our initiation, and the erectile dysfunction (or so we think).  It sounds just the same as many of the stories told here, so I can't say that it's a coincidence.

Even MORE troubling, however, is your husband's "friend".  No, it's NOT normal for men to do sleepovers when the wife is out of town.  I can't say that my straight husband would do that even if he and his friend lived HOURS apart and wanted to leave on a 4:30 am fishing trip.  No way, no how.  One of them would get a hotel room near the other's home or something.  And that would be in a situation where they needed to be close, early.  This makes no sense that your husband is doing this.  AND the constant taking his friend with on excursions.  The fact that he's gotten you to not go and then taken the friend is VERY telling, unfortunately.  Your husband can say that having a male friend spend the night is not big deal, it definitely IS.  Men.don't.do.that.  They just..... don't.  Neither do they wait 12 months to initiate sex (but you know he's going to blame that one on you, right?  He'll say that he was waiting for you to tell him that you were ready - that he was simply being respectful.  Don't believe me?  ASK him.)

I wouldn't bother letting this continue to play out.  Regardless of whether he is verifiably gay or not, you have a husband who doesn't want intimacy with you, doesn't have good connectivity with you when he does, and puts someone else above you.  Even if you were to put up a stink about this man (as if he were a woman that your husband was behaving the same way with), if he's gay, it won't mean that his desire for men (and lack of desire for females) is going to go anywhere.  He's already doing it right.under.your.nose and getting away with it.  He's likely been carrying on for years in secret to get to this point.

Know that the younger the child(ren), the easier a divorce on them is.  Don't wait for the kids' sake.

I wish you well -

Kel

Lostdad,
"..She would text this woman constantly, but hide her phone or computer screen from me anytime I came near."..
Ditto here..word for word...she would hide the phone screen...but I could read her text...she then changed her font so it was so tiny one could not read the phone from a distance.   She was basically calling me an names while she sat at the dinner table with me and the kids.    I recently saw her and it was the same thing constantly text while you talked to her.

Run...run like your hair is on fire..
 

You know your husband better than anyone..  may I ask you a question?

If you confront him about being gay, is there any chance that he might turn it into a fight immediately?  Is he in a position where he controls all of the finances, automobiles, or other important issues?  

Perhaps you should consider taking a few actions to protect yourself and your children ahead of time.  Most attorneys will give you a free consultation.  Learning the laws of your state regarding divorce and child custody ahead of time would be very wise.  If you can find a way to get proof of his indiscretions when he is not expecting it, that might benefit you later.  I'm not suggesting you ambush him or make it a war.  It's best for everyone to work things out amicably and through mediation rather than a divorce court trial.  Just learn a bit ahead of time and prepare yourself for a worst case scenerio.

I thought I knew my wife perfectly.  I thought she was the most compassionate, kind, and honest person in the world. Over the past few weeks she has become completely the opposite of those traits.  She has been adulterous, dishonest, deceitful and cruel.  I am still hoping to do mediation without attorneys, but my trust in her has been shaken and I'm losing confidence in that happening.  

Welcome.  I am so sorry that this is happening but happy that you found us.

I am a big fan of laying low and getting your ducks in a row before any confrontation for your own protection.  If when you confront him he comes clean and offers you the truth then no harm no foul.  But if when confronted he continues to bury his truth and/or begins to become uncharacteristially confrontational and vengeful then you are ready to go, you have all your documents together and you have seen the lawyers, doctors, therapist etc and you know what your rights are and what your next step will be.  Emotionally this is not easy to do especially if you like to get things out in the open, but secretly planning your exit can make it easier to move quickly and spring into action if and when you need to.

None of this is easy but you are not alone. It has happened to so many people and you can make it through this.