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- walkbymyself
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Re: If your gay spouse chose monogamy, would you accept?
I think for me, the short answer would be "no" but I wouldn't pass judgment on you for deciding differently.
I also think that in the beginning, when I first made the discovery, I would have preferred to stay married. At the time, I hadn't started sleuthing around and trying to educate myself about how far things had gone -- so my entire understanding of this lifestyle was based on the healthy normal gay men I've known all my adult life. This was an understandable mistake on my part, but it was a mistake nonetheless. It took me a span of months to unearth enough clues to my husband's activities, to be able to appreciate clearly that his behavior wasn't normal -- that there was an issue of very serious and self-destructive compulsive behavior here that wasn't something we could just wish away.
I don't think that he would have ever kept a promise of monogamy. And that's not the issue, in any case. The issue is, he lied to me and betrayed my trust.
- jkc1214
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Re: If your gay spouse chose monogamy, would you accept?
JustSomeone11 wrote:
Uhg... I'm in the exact situation the OP brought up. What you wrote is exactly how I'm feeling. But its very hard because my Bi or LW (i'm honestly not sure which, but definitely leans L) is trying very hard and will be devastated if we split up the family. She makes it very difficult to make the leap and move on. In the end though, I know no matter what, no matter what kind of concessions she gives, she'll never want to interact with me with any real passion or desire.
I saw your other post a little while ago and responded to it. As I read your post I thought, this man thinks the same way that I do and I have to say, it gave me hope that there are men out there that do want the same things from a relationship that I do. I'm so sorry you are finding yourself in this predicament. I have spent the last 5 months or so dealing with my guilt over "breaking my husband's heart" by wanting to end the farce that is our marriage. He cried, he begged me to go to counseling, he cried some more. It's awful.
In the end, I realized that we all have one life to live and we have to decide how we want to spend it. I've spent 20 years married to someone who lied every time he was intimate with me and 2 more with him unable to be intimate with me at all. I'm done with how that feels. I'm sorry that he wants to continue to live a lie, but I don't. So we separated a little more than a week ago. I now live in the in law apartment of our house. And you know what, he's doing just fine. I think he's actually feeling a bit relieved although he won't admit it. He no longer has to find excuses not to have sex. Your wife will probably be the same way. In the beginning of course it's difficult, but over time, I bet both you and she will be glad you ended things and could go on to find real love instead. I'm hoping that's how it will turn out for me and for you.
Feel free to PM if you ever need to chat.
Last edited by jkc1214 (January 31, 2019 4:36 pm)
- Violated
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Re: If your gay spouse chose monogamy, would you accept?
OH my, I did think about it. After 44 years of marriage and at age 64, I had a great life before I discovered TGT 18 months ago. He claims he only self-stimulates, satisfies his needs thru masturbation and gay porn. He claims he doesn't want a "relationship," with a man. But I know w/o a doubt he desires a man, and if the opportunity would arise, he would. He has told me so many lies, there is no trust left. But he is the great pretender, everyone loves my husband, he is a great guy.
If I stayed with him, I realized I could not "pretend." I did not want "to settle." I would become a detective, even now, we are divorced but he is still living with me until April, I am still searching his phone his computer history.....and guess what, he is still lying. At my age, I was afraid to be alone, most likely I will never find my true love, But I will be OK, I want honesty, truth, and peace in my life, If I stay, I have lies, and deception and the daily reminder of his betrayal.
Onward......toward peace and happiness.
- ThisSeason
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Re: If your gay spouse chose monogamy, would you accept?
Uhg... I'm in the exact situation the OP brought up. What you wrote is exactly how I'm feeling. But its very hard because my Bi or LW (i'm honestly not sure which, but definitely leans L) is trying very hard and will be devastated if we split up the family. She makes it very difficult to make the leap and move on. In the end though, I know no matter what, no matter what kind of concessions she gives, she'll never want to interact with me with any real passion or desire.
It is a tough spot to be in. My wife has been acting very affectionate and like she does have passion and desire for me again lately, but then I wonder how long before that fades again and some lesbian "true love" rolls around and wrecks our world again.
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Thread Starter- Estella Oculus
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Re: If your gay spouse chose monogamy, would you accept?
For what it is worth, this -- monogamy -- is what my STBX was promising he was choosing after the first discovery in 2000. He claimed to hate his many anonymous trysts and wanted to dedicate himself to intensive therapy to figure himself out and be able to be a better husband. In his many gratitude journals written since that time (some I have read since I kicked him out) he continually talks about how much he loves and values me and wants to be a better husband for me. However, he went right back to online chat rooms as of 2005, and by 2011, he was inviting random anonymous male sex partners into our home. So--I have to say--I DID try to accept the promise of monogamy, and I don't know if he thought for a time he was choosing monogamy, but in retrospect, it was a big, fat lie--he apparently had/has no capacity to choose not to do this, and I think it was naive of me to believe that such a choice was possible.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: If your gay spouse chose monogamy, would you accept?
These partners of ours are sick. Warped. Disordered. And that we treat them as if they're rational is a measure of how our own sense of normalcy is redefined--warped--by living with them and we don't see it because it's so gradual. Think of how you feel when you recover from a sickness--it's just like that. While you're sick you forget what healthy is, but once you're healthy again, you can't believe you were ever that sick.
- Rob
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Re: If your gay spouse chose monogamy, would you accept?
I couldnt do it.. I used to shake with trauma... is she going out to have sex or shopping? Why do I have to wonder?
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7