Jaybird, interesting point of view. One thing I would suggest, is I'm not sure actual cheating is the best way for a questioning spouse to "test" themselves to confirm if they are gay or not. Perhaps there are more legitimate, less damaging ways for one to wrestle with their doubts and try to come to a place where the are sure of which side they are on.


 

I think infidelity brought on by TGT is one of the most confusing things someone can go through.

Be kind to yourself jaybird, and make sure you are not too quick to offer forgiveness and absolution to your spouse. I think this is especially true for those of us who have not fully processed and may still be in shock or some stage of bargaining, denial, or the like.
 

The good way my LX could have handled TGT is if she had included me more in her emotional journey. 

I'm a straight man, but I've always been progressive and a major supporter of queer communities. Before getting together, we were best friends and told each other everything (that's part of why we got together - the trust & communication). I knew getting into it that she was bi, but as time went on she gradually shifted towards not being into men at all, and eventually had to end it because of that.

I was totally supportive through her changes, both as a queer ally and because I care about her and want her to be happy (we're still very close). BUT, I feel like I never saw the negative impact this had on her. At one point she told me she was a total wreck through an entire session with her therapist about how guilty she felt for having to do this to me. Obviously a therapist can provide things I can't, but I never got to witness her go through that emotional process. I was her rock through a lot of very intense emotional times, and this is the one time I wasn't - which felt strange because it was about me. So while grieving this loss, it would bring me closure to know she's grieving too. Instead I feel like she got to move on properly while I'm still in the thick of it.

Well there certainly wasn't a "right woman" who came along. It was a gradual shift in her - she described it to me as a voice getting louder and louder until she couldn't ignore it anymore. As for my happiness, she's been very supportive of my emotional needs, which is far more than most people get, and I'm grateful for that. I certainly didn't expect her to tough it out just so I could be happy, because then eventually neither of us would have been happy. I just wanted to be there for her as a part of her grieving process, the way she was with mine. 

This post resonated with me, my husband is moving forward faster since he has dealt with his realization in therapy. Yes, I too would’ve like to have been included and even asked to be included on what he was dealing with.
We went into couples counseling a few months after he started intensive one on one therapy. He came out to me in our second session on 12/18.  Telling me in a therapy session felt like a safe space and I’m glad it was there and not at home.
I’m not even two months in and he wants a divorce and is ready to move across the country to pursue a new career as he just lost his job. AND he hasn’t even been with a man yet!!! He’s off to see one of our gay friends who is in an open marriage next month and they plan to be intimate. 
Our session today was really devastating. He wants to sell the house in the next few months and I’m just not ready, emotionally and physically. I have no where to live, no job and small amount of money every month.

someheavyocean wrote:

The good way my LX could have handled TGT is if she had included me more in her emotional journey. 

I'm a straight man, but I've always been progressive and a major supporter of queer communities. Before getting together, we were best friends and told each other everything (that's part of why we got together - the trust & communication). I knew getting into it that she was bi, but as time went on she gradually shifted towards not being into men at all, and eventually had to end it because of that.

I was totally supportive through her changes, both as a queer ally and because I care about her and want her to be happy (we're still very close). BUT, I feel like I never saw the negative impact this had on her. At one point she told me she was a total wreck through an entire session with her therapist about how guilty she felt for having to do this to me. Obviously a therapist can provide things I can't, but I never got to witness her go through that emotional process. I was her rock through a lot of very intense emotional times, and this is the one time I wasn't - which felt strange because it was about me. So while grieving this loss, it would bring me closure to know she's grieving too. Instead I feel like she got to move on properly while I'm still in the thick of it.

Last edited by HeyJupiter (January 21, 2019 8:58 pm)