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1 - ThisSeason
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Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
I've read a lot of stories here where the betrayed spouse went through hell for months or even years due to the actions and behaviors of the GID or cheating spouse.
It makes me wonder, is there a right way to handle this? How would you have wished your spouse would have handled realizing they are gay? I know this is a question where some of the answers will seem obvious and universal, but I'm interested in hearing what everyone has to say.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
ThisSeason wrote:
I've read a lot of stories here where the betrayed spouse went through hell for months or even years due to the actions and behaviors of the GID or cheating spouse.
It makes me wonder, is there a right way to handle this? How would you have wished your spouse would have handled realizing they are gay? I know this is a question where some of the answers will seem obvious and universal, but I'm interested in hearing what everyone has to say.
I've read all four of your posts in the forum. They all seem to be looking for information, and none have any personal, emotional writing concerning your own situation.
Why is that?
KIA KAHA
- phoenix
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
This is a great question.
Honesty as soon as possible is the best way this could have been handled. Probably unanimously for all of us.
Most of them knew they had a same-sex attraction before they met us. Telling us at that point would have been best. Perhaps they genuinely thought they could learn to be attracted to us and love us and be happy. If this was the case, then as soon as their confidence in that started to wane they should have opened up and been honest with us. They should have told us before we had kids. They should have told us before they decided to cheat on us or fall in love with another person.
They should have been compassionate toward us rather than selfish. The wrong way is selfish and that's what most of our spouses are.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- ThisSeason
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
I've read a lot of stories here where the betrayed spouse went through hell for months or even years due to the actions and behaviors of the GID or cheating spouse.
It makes me wonder, is there a right way to handle this? How would you have wished your spouse would have handled realizing they are gay? I know this is a question where some of the answers will seem obvious and universal, but I'm interested in hearing what everyone has to say.
I've read all four of your posts in the forum. They all seem to be looking for information, and none have any personal, emotional writing concerning your own situation.
Why is that?
Hey Ellexoh,
I have been reading anonymously for so long, my situation feels like so many others I've seen here.
In a nutshell: 15 year relationship with my wife, 4 kids, assumed "till-death-do-us-part" was true until a few months ago when my wife had an epiphany that she was gay, but just to make sure, she had to cheat and verify. Still living together for now but planning to separate eventually. At first it was a "let me see if I can handle being away from you" from her part but now feels like more of her just testing the waters and getting ready to jump straight into gaytown and divorce.
- •
Thread Starter- ThisSeason
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
This is a great question.
Honesty as soon as possible is the best way this could have been handled. Probably unanimously for all of us.
Most of them knew they had a same-sex attraction before they met us. Telling us at that point would have been best. Perhaps they genuinely thought they could learn to be attracted to us and love us and be happy. If this was the case, then as soon as their confidence in that started to wane they should have opened up and been honest with us. They should have told us before we had kids. They should have told us before they decided to cheat on us or fall in love with another person.
They should have been compassionate toward us rather than selfish. The wrong way is selfish and that's what most of our spouses are.
That sums it up very well Phoenix. Selfish seems to be the main common factor in the betraying spouses.
- •
Thread Starter- Estella Oculus
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
< deleted >
Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:25 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
Hey Ellexoh,I have been reading anonymously for so long.......
Cheers Season....welcome to the forum 
KIA KAHA
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
So here's what I think would have been the honest and ethical thing to do when my ex decided he was transgendered. He (he's a natal male) should have come to me at that moment and told me, and then said we needed to divorce, so he could explore who he was and I could be free from the pressure and the pain. It would have been hard for me. But it would not have been as hard as the selfish dance he led me in for three years after that until I said I'd had enough (if I hadn't pulled the plug we would still be in the same impasse). He put it ALL on me: acceptance (as if I were obligated to accept and celebrate, and remake my own sexuality to match his newly declared one), accommodation (because HE had to be "who he was" and I had to remake myself to accommodate that), and finally, the separation and divorce. He could never take responsibility for himself nor take action himself; he put it ALL on me. As Stronger Than I Knew (I think) wrote on another thread: he LOVED to play the victim. And that's because no RESPONSIBiLITY accrues to the victim. And then he blamed me for leaving him and insisted I stay in his closet.
- KitKat
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
I agree with OOHC. If my spouse had come to me and said I’m struggling with something then it may have gone better. Instead I got the smiling and giddy ness of him telling me he had crossdressed at therapy that day and off and on throughout our marriage. So he went behind my back to purchase heels and a dress just so he could explore this, then purged these and bought 2 more dresses and heels behind my back 3 weeks later. I know it’s not cheating, but it definitely felt like it! The lies, telling his female therapist before telling his wife of 18 years what he was dealing with. It is deceptive and just as damaging as the trans thing in my opinion.
- ShockedMamaOf2
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Re: Is there a good way your spouse could have handled TGT?
I totally agree with the way Phoenix put it. Be honest and be early on about it. Don’t wait til after we’re married with children and a house to say, “Oh by the way, I’m bisexual and I want to wear woman’s clothing. Cool?” The only things I give my husband credit for are that I don’t believe he has cheated on me during our marriage. Or, I may be totally naive and stupid and still being gaslighted. I guess time will tell. The other thing i credit him for is that he hasn’t gone behind my back. He tells me all about his bisexual Twitter account where he’s documenting his cross dressing. I know all about his girly clothes. I know all about the guy who sends him vids of himself jerking off. I hate all of it. Sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so that I could justify leaving him! Ugh! Sorry, not sure if this was helpful to your question. I feel like if they know who and what they are before marriage and do not disclose it then, there isn’t going to be a “good time” to come out.