Panic40 wrote:

I guess this is a rant - because I don't see a way out of this, but if anyone has advise as to how I can ever get through this, I am open to hearing it.

 

You've come to the right place Panic You'll get warm empathy, good advice and straight-talking (that's not meant as a pun but.....hey!) 
I'm 60, in a 34 year r'ship with a man who decided he needed to explore his...he calls it "bi side" but he talked of one day being "fucked by a man" so I see it as....gay-side.
I'm co-dependent....I hate that term now because I only came to see myself as codependent when all this shit happened....which makes leaving difficult. Not impossible, everything just has a different timeline. There's a statistic that says a certain % of couples who try to stay together after the bombshell of realising everything has changed ......last 3 years. I'm in my 2nd year of that 3. We both want different things. 
My partner has a Plan B if we separate. To me....he has everything we built over the last 3 decades. 

I'm slowly working on my own Plan B

Did I say?...you're in the best place for advice

First rule from the Hitchhiker's guide to the Universe is don't panic and never trust a Vogon.  Vogon's write bad poetry.  

So now you are panicking but you have finally stopped trusting your Vogon.  This is good.  

So if I might get a bit dark here - you are into the endgame of a misfitting marriage.  This is a very common place to find yourself and it becomes who survives the marriage - and it is very likely both of you want to do that.  Neither of you want your whole life to have been consumed by it.

so yes, hang on to the purse strings.  That was the first thing I did, ultimately I was able to get divorced but the first thing was to take back doing the household accounts.

and this encapsulates what you can do to help yourself.  No confrontations, take a step back from him, turn and embrace your dear darling inner bitch and let her fly.  I like the sound of your being mean and short tempered with him, I think you will find it helps. 

Turn the tables on him. 

All those years.  I had no idea how manipulated I was.  But then one day I am in the kitchen, and instead of being conciliatory I stood there and was angrier with him than he was putting on me.  omg.  It was a game changer.  He immediately stood back.  And he didn't try it again.  It wasn't real, it was purely manipulation by his inner bitch.  And he'd been getting away with it forever.

so it's worth a bit of a panic but you still need your cool  -  be kind and gentle to yourself at all times.  Look after your well being, inside and out.  Find a friend you can talk to if possible.

wishing you all the best, Lily




 


 

Thank you all so much for your support. I am finding it hard to talk to friends since we are trying to decide when to tell the (grown) kids. My entire family will be together over the holidays, which we are not looking forward to, so I think we will wait to talk to the kids until after that. 
But in the meantime, this is really really hard, so I appreciate knowing that I can have people to "talk" to.

I think you're right not to bring it up to your kids before the holidays.  You might consider actually giving yourself a deadline, though -- pick a date or an event after Christmas, when you can sit them down and be candid with them.

 

Hi all,
Well, finally, after 18 years of struggling to stay in the "matrimonial home" with its large pie-shaped back lot, I have decided to sell. The past 18 years of trying to return to the paid work-force with a viable income, have been at the least, frustrating. This is NOT what I expected to be doing at age 61.
My adult children have told me their father has settled in Nice, France, in a relationship with a man. He is in the process of renovating his condominium there.
Selling this house seems the only way to be free of a mortgage, he refinanced/increased it and put the money into his new business (in 1996). Of course, at the time, he didn't tell me that he had "feelings of homosexuality or an attraction to men", I thought his isolating behaviour was due to his being in a "mid-life crisis" at age 40 years.
Panic40, I began seeing a therapist in 1996, and at first, believed I was the crazy one. But after over 20 years, she has been really helping me to get past the lifetime of abuse I have experienced. I realize now, that I married AJ because I was convinced (by my family) that nobody would ever want me. So when he proposed, I didn't dare to decline. I knew I would not be allowed to live with my parents when an adult. I do believe that when I felt loved & appreciated by him, I was at my best....
AJ knew he was not heterosexual before we married; he told me that he spoke to 2 Christian ministers, both of whom told him that with faith he could control his urges. That was the belief until recently. Since then, it has been recognized that sexual preference/orientation is not a choice. 
Since homosexual relationships are no longer illegal, it seems those who entered into heterosexual relationships in order to hide their orientation, are feeling free to leave those relationships. Society now seems to feel compassion for them because they have had to "deny themselves". At the same time, we are the "collateral damage". Yes, I do feel very angry that I was used & abused & cheated for so many years. My future is to be a single woman living below the poverty level, while he gets to enjoy life (Freedom 55) in another country.