For 18 years your stbx has been hiding behind you, hiding his sexuality from the world, and denying it to himself.  He is currently fighting for his closet, and for the closeted, nothing is more important than the closet. Not you, but the cover given by your marriage. Think of the way that mothers defend their children from harm when the children are threatened; this is his equivalent. 
  His compartmentalized world, one that he has managed for so long so successfully, is coming apart at the seams, and in his eyes you are the one with the seam ripper, so he is focused on you.  He wants you to get back in line, and he will guilt you, gaslight you, rage at you--whatever it takes.  He will deny, stonewall, lie, attack.  He will try every weapon in his arsenal.  He's desperately casting around for what will work, and cycling through everything that has worked in the past (this is why YOU are feeling you are at fault when you're not--he's employing techniques that have undoubtedly worked in the past, but that you did not see before were manipulations--you feel manipulated because he is manipulating you).  He has spent years justifying his actions to himself and compartmentalizing his disordered sexuality, and may even genuinely believe that what he does with purses and in male chat rooms is unrelated to your marriage (which doesn't mean you should be "understanding," only that you should understand that he is not an well integrated and psychologically healthy individual). 
   To get through the next 8 weeks you need to do these things:  Stop looking for logic.  Stop looking for an admission. Stop looking for cooperation.  Stop thinking of him as your partner, and definitely stop thinking of him as someone with your interests at heart.  Stop engaging with him when he wants to fight, and don't engage him in fruitless efforts to get him to talk.  Start re-framing: he is not your best friend; a "best friend" would not do to you what he has.  He is a duplicitous and disordered person, and, if I may steal a quote from Kel, who I very much hope weighs in here, you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. 

 Finally, I believe that you need a lawyer working for you and you alone.  Six weeks is a very short time.  You are not in a position or the best frame of mind to fight for your future while you are feeling decentered, off center, and manipulated.  While you are still reeling you are likely to defer to him in ways that will cost you later, and divorce is the ONE chance you have to get the best financial settlement for your future.  

I don't remember whether you have family or friends to lean on, but this is the time to lean on them.  They can help you do reality checks, and keep you strong.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 27, 2018 7:48 pm)

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (February 14, 2019 5:01 pm)

In addition to what the others have said, not only should you stop thinking of him as your best friend, you should start thinking of him as your ex-husband. That little "ex" is pretty powerful. It severs the connection and the bond between you, so as you move forward, you don't need to worry about how anything will affect him. 

Here is another visualization for you. For 18+ years, you and your husband were journeying together, and he was in the car right next to you. Now, he is outside the car. He may be standing in front of you blocking your way or leaning up against it saying you can move but not really making it possible to move without hurting him. You need to get him in the rear view mirror. He may loom large there and he may block out everything else. Trust though, that as you move forward, that will change. As you move forward and look in your rear view mirror, he will become smaller and more insignificant to your current position and where you want to go in the future. 

I was always submissive and subservient when it came to my spouse. I was always willing to acquiesce to my spouse's wishes. However, as we try to reach a settlement, this is how I visualize my spouse and my relationship. And then it makes me wonder why I am willing to forfeit so much without a fight to someone who is going to become a smaller and more insignificant part of my life. And guess what? I'm not willing to do that. Seeing my spouse as my ex and as someone I don't want in my future has been huge for me. 

Truly my only regret is not seeing her (my spouse is trans MtF) that way earlier. I have wasted time and lost money because I continued to treat my spouse as if we were still bound together and I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Stay strong.