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November 24, 2018 2:49 pm  #1

Help Needed For a Newbie- What is my Husband?

I know it's a strange topic header, but I am seriously that confused right now.   My husband has recently become more open and honest about his feelings as well has his thoughts on who he really is.  I just want to know how I fit in?  How do I cope?

He wants to be a woman, but does not want to be with men.  So I guess he wants to be a lesbian?? Is that it?

I have been having a hard time coping these past two weeks as he now has his own pair of heels, a purse and is trying out nail polish and mascara. He has been in womens underwear for a year and now has a padded bra and has begun to tuck. Today he bought a cheap wig from party city.  He gave me a list of names he is trying out and has begun to act more feminine.

I am overwhelmed! ok maybe a little freaked out!  I love him, and want desperately to help him find his true self and his happiness in that, but I am scared.  We have three boys, and have been together for 17 years.

this is the first forum for support i found and i have no one else to talk to about this.  what do I do


November 24, 2018 3:31 pm  #2

Re: Help Needed For a Newbie- What is my Husband?

Sounds to me that he is totally self-centered and does not care how his actions affect anyone else. That may be the biggest truth you need to know. You will only fit in as long as you grab some pom-poms and cheer him on every step of the way. You get to decide if this is acceptable, not him. I hope this helps. I'm not in the situation you are in but there are a few people here who are (or were).


November 24, 2018 3:50 pm  #3

Re: Help Needed For a Newbie- What is my Husband?


Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 1:39 pm)


November 24, 2018 4:37 pm  #4

Re: Help Needed For a Newbie- What is my Husband?

In the end, it doesn't really matter what label applies to him. What matters is what you can live with and what you can't. If his change is something you can live with then work on that. If it isn't', then you need to start making steps to end things. It's so very easy for me to type out and so very hard to actually do though. 

Having just got to this forum myself I don't have much to offer except some hugs. Someday I hope to be one of the ones posting that my divorce is final and life is good. 

Last edited by jkc1214 (November 24, 2018 8:03 pm)


November 24, 2018 5:21 pm  #5

Re: Help Needed For a Newbie- What is my Husband?

   Sorry you're here.  It is indeed confusing and confounding, and like going down the rabbit hole or into a carnival funhouse's hall of mirrors, in which "woman" is reflected back at you in a highly distorted way. Unfortunately for you, it's going to get even weirder as he goes on, 

    Your husband (as is my now ex) sounds as if he is what is known as an autogynephile, which means a man who is attracted to the idea of himself as a woman.  As you have seen, this is not about becoming a woman in the sense that you and I are women; it is classified as a sexual paraphilia..  He wants to "feminize" in a very particular way, because it gives him an erotic charge, a sexual high.  All actual women, of course, know that "feminine" does not equal "woman."  But for these men, acting "feminine" makes them believe they are acting as women, and even "bringing their inner woman into being."  
I recommend the following for information and understanding just what his "condition" is:

   Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.

  Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there.

 Christine Benvenuto: "Sex Changes."  This is a memoir by a woman whose husband became a trans person. You will recognize much of what you see in your own spouse here--the girly feminizing, etc. 

   Naeferty.   A pseudonym.  Naeferty ran a blog about her experiences with her own trans identified male partner.  Read the post "Gas Light Six" and the comments; there are a number of comments from other women in our situation and it will validate you to read them.

  Transwidow: My Only Path to Power.  Also a blogger.  She, too, was married to an apparently happy man who went trans crazy.  Her original blog posts, which constituted a real time diary of what she want through, were extremely useful to me, but as she's now writing a memoir of her experience, she pulled a number of them, so you can't follow her journey as she lived it.  There are still a number of really good posts remaining, however. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 24, 2018 5:23 pm)


November 24, 2018 5:38 pm  #6

Re: Help Needed For a Newbie- What is my Husband?

Thank you OutofHisCloset for the reading recommendations. BeWildered....I have just discovered the same thing, that my husband was dressing in my clothing, buying purses to masturbate to, taking photos of himself dressed up, watching Trans porn, and using Gay hook-up chat rooms. My immediate response, although I deeply love my husband, was "NO", this is not for me. 

The fact that he did not share this with me was a betrayal. It made me look at our life together, our relationship and intimacy and put a magnifying glass on all that was missing for me.

Having children makes this especially difficult, in my opinion, because you want to provide and protect them. You could also look into protecting your own heart, self-esteem and understand what your needs are from your husband and determine if he will be able to meet them moving forward to decide what to do.

In my case, I asked him to cease all behaviour's until we parted, that it wasn't okay with me, and that once we were separated he could do as he will. 

I have made steps to downsize, move out (closer to family) arrange support and gain a divorce. It is painful and not easy, although the right decision for me. Please think of yourself and keep posting, as I am doing. It helps to have a safe forum to express the confusing issues with your revelations about your husband.


January 10, 2019 8:47 pm  #7

Re: Help Needed For a Newbie- What is my Husband?

Hi bewildered.
I have been married to my trans spouse for 6 years and have 1 child.  I am hetero.  My spouse says they are bisexual.  They came out to me 6 months ago and have not begun dressing differently.  They were assigned male at birth, but identify as female.  honestly, it hurts to read some of the posts above that are calling this a sexual/mental disorder.  I wholeheartedly do not agree!!  My spouse was in such pain and depression before coming out to me and it was not because of sexual problems we or s(he) had.  It was everyday life.  Being trans is not something you can cure or choose.  There really is no choice for the trans identified person except to be miserable, or to try and express their gender either at home or full on out in public.  It is not about doing drag.  I am staying with my spouse for as long as I can.  Of course, I feel betrayed and I think we will need a lot of counseling.  But I, like you bewildered, want my spouse to be happy.  I cannot build a life with a depressed, oft grumpy person.  I want to have an intimate relationship and it does hurt that they did not share this part of themselves with me much earlier.  

I don't know how you will fit in or cope.  I am working on coping myself.  I started with therapy and telling 2 trusted friends.  It will be a long process for us and who knows what is on the other side, but hopefully a very happy more open family!   (I am not sure if I will miss being with a man too much to stay.  I think it will be a few years at least to find out because my spouse is not eager to come out).  


January 10, 2019 11:39 pm  #8

Re: Help Needed For a Newbie- What is my Husband?

@love180 I am just about 3 months from discovery. I too sought therapy and have a few friends whom I confided in. I felt that I wanted to leave after having a non-existent sex life with my husband for the last 4 years, which I attributed to alcohol abuse, not realizing the issue went much deeper. Since my discovery of his activity, he has determined not to hide as much from me, which hurts. He is chatting on gay hook-up sites, stealing my panties and boots, photographing himself in them, and making it easy for me to see the photos. I'm pretty sure he is actually hooking up but swears he has not.

I immediately began plans to move to where my daughter lives and sought a mediator for the two of us to work toward a divorce, and he agreed, did nothing to stop it (though claimed many times that he loves me and this isn't what he wants). I have been heavily grieving because I truly loved my husband, and yes, this is a deep betrayal of all that I thought I trusted and knew, in the mean time he had an oh so secret life, which took his attention, time and energy away from me and made our marriage devoid of true intimacy.

If I wanted to be in a marriage with a woman, I would be a Lesbian...or in the least I had an expectation of being married to a heterosexual man. There was a lot of anger and all the stages of grief, but now that we have completed our mediation and support agreement for me, and I have packed nearly all my belongings, I am feeling this is the right thing for me.

I'm concerned for him, his safety and so forth, though I've been counseled to take care of myself moving forward and no longer focus on him. I'm supposing every journey in this type of discovery is completely different. He thinks he has mental issues, I'm not sure if he does. It's confusing in any case. But he is definitely chatting with men online, and likely meeting I thought it best to allow him his journey.

I don't want to buy his panties, boots and women's clothing. I don't get the fetishes nor do I want to...and that's okay too. I've been through a lot with him over 18 years and this was the thing that I just said NO to. It's not that I'm even thinking about sex in my future, or a relationship, I just want to take care of myself, give myself self care (2 different-yet same things) and learn a new normal surrounded by friends, family, new work associates and begin afresh.

He has never "come out", never admitted anything, but did return my panties (I took my $500 boots back when I found them stashed in his things) so I think he, himself is bewildered and navigating what it means to him not to hide. Here's the big however. I have been asked to "keep his secret" and not tell any of his friends or relatives. He does not want his community to know. So they see how grieved and sad I am, but I tell them, I have been asked not discuss the reasons for our divorce.

I wish I was like you, and more tolerant, but I knew this particular scenario of bi-sexuality, trans, ITC, GH was not for me. I really don't want to share and I think the rules to make each party comfortable would be too difficult to manage. I wish you luck, I applaud your staying with your husband and having such compassion for his situation. I have compassion too, but not the patience to be in 2nd place behind the cross dressing, chat rooms, hook-ups and more. This is a journey he must take for himself. (BTW - my kids are grown, and they are not his children, so my circumstances allow me to move at will). Best of luck with your journey. I will be thinking of you.


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