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November 25, 2018 11:39 pm  #11

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

WHY do all of our stories sound the same??? Really. My husband says this to me all the time, " I am not gay-I don't want a relationship with a man." I continue to find evidence of gay porn magazines, google searches for gay bars. But he claims he is not gay, a few times he admitted to being bisexual, but then later on decided he wasn't. It is such a mind f--k game. At times, I believe he is delusional. I finally made a list of all the reasons why I know he is gay, and I reference it every tie I feel sorry for him, or when I want so badly to believe his Lies. My divorce will be final January 10th......I am on a rollercoaster of emotions, sadness, anger, pain, relief, fear, hope......

Anyways, I started to heal, when I decided to focus on me, It no longer matter how he identifies himself, whether he is gay, bisexual, bicurious, whatever he is he is not straight. He is not honest he has no integrity, he has no soul. I decided I want honesty, truth, happiness, he is incapable of giving me that. 

I just want you to know, I understand.



November 26, 2018 8:56 am  #12

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

Homosexuality is about attraction, not commitment.  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


November 26, 2018 12:58 pm  #13

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

MomOfFour wrote:

Just went to my husband’s therapist appointment today and heard the therapist talk about Kinsey’s continuum, and then bring up the INTIMACY/SEX distinction. A man who has sex with another man is not gay or bi if he doesn’t want a relationship.
What I don’t understand about this theory is the acceptance that humans are like sex toys. Like it’s okay in some way to have sex completely devoid of intimacy, and we should find that comforting somehow, that our spouse is not “bi” or “gay” but just prone to use partners for sex without intimacy? I can’t get behind the MSM theory.


I live with a man who asked for "one day a month to fulfill his bi desires" ...and.... "maybe, one day, be fucked by a man". And that surely if it was a man.....I should have nothing to worry about. 

My theory.....I'll call it the Secret Selfish Sex Theory....is that this desire laid low in him for years, until he had used up all his reserves of hetero sex, and with the 'help' of a couple of anally-keen women in the open r'ship (that I stupidly, naively agreed to).....his lack of empathy and what little sexual respect he held for our r'ship....was overridden by his need to explore with men. And because I agreed to the OR....he was led by his cock, not his heart thinking he could have cake and eat it too

KIA KAHA                       

November 26, 2018 8:09 pm  #14

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

phoenix wrote:

Homosexuality is about attraction, not commitment.  

This sums it up and in only six words.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

December 9, 2018 5:15 am  #15

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

Mom of Four, 

That is exactly what my GIDXH said.  "Even if I am gay here (pointing to his body) I can't be gay here (pointing to his head)."  He just wasn't interested in a relationship he said, but then spent years with a semi regular gay playmate who occasionally he hooked up with and he admitted was 'in love' with him.  Now he has a new wife who knows he is bi.  I don't know their arrangement, but I know one thing....he will not be faithful.  And I was so devastated by his betrayals as he made himself out to always be the man of honesty and integrity chidding me to not delude myself endlessly....ahh the joys of denial. 

 He cheated for 20 years and justified it to me as 'nothing' just fumbling around in toilets getting his kicks.   I love YOU...he said.   Once I knew and would endlessly ask him about it, it was too uncomfortable for him to discuss and I was blamed for making a BIG DEAL about it.  I wanted utter clarity and a clear timeline of events etc, but all I got was silence and blame.  I saw that he would never really be able to admit to me or himself he was gay.  So BI is what he is.  And he is so smug about his new wife and being remarried.  I just have to swallow my hurt pride, but realize I am the winner here.   I want fidelity and to be cherished.  Not to be treated to a diet of painful actions that could endanger my physical and have damaged my mental health.  They are so selfish.... It is so sad to see the internal homophobia at work.  That is what it is.  But his fears will drive his behaviour, not love or consideration for you.  That is what I see over and over again here.....


January 25, 2019 7:06 am  #16

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

I’m getting this at the moment too,”I don’t want to be with another man I love you”
But what does really confuse me is he says he is attracted to me and it never felt wrong... he alway watched me if I was naked, could always get a hard on, he touches me, we have sex, we both give oral sex... this is what confuses me!
But he has been chatting to guys, sending pics and for the first time recently he went to a gay bar and a guy touched him, he said he freaked out, told him to f**k off, and left and he hated it, he could never be with a guy.
I can’t get past the betrayal of all the chatting that’s cheating to me and the photos and getting each other off on Grindr and snap chat! I really am just so lost and confused!!!!


January 25, 2019 10:46 am  #17

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

Hi Shan13, 
Me too.  He says he's not gay, and asks how I could think that.  Yet we went to a male strip club once and he was touching the stripper.  One time when he was drunk he said he touched his dick though I didn't see that.  We've always had a good sex life up until a few years ago when we had a dry spell.  I think this is when he was questioning things because it's when I found the gay/bi stuff on his computer.


January 25, 2019 4:34 pm  #18

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

Hi Vicky,
Do you feel in gut he is gay?
I feel my husband is... but my head is so scattered!
I just want the truth!
I’m scared he hasn’t finished messing with my head!
I’m scared more happened at the bar and that’s why he is so ashamed and won’t tell me!

Last edited by Shan13 (January 25, 2019 4:36 pm)


February 24, 2020 8:05 am  #19

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

What has happened since last month? Any news?


February 25, 2020 4:22 am  #20

Re: “I’m not Gay - I don’t want a RELATIONSHIP with another man.

UserNada wrote:

What has happened since last month? Any news?

Hi Nada,
It’s been just over a year now... and he is completely gay and we have no contact, unless it’s for the kids... he showed he’s true colours... and I chose me and the kids and their happiness... it’s still hard... and he picks at every single thing I do and has somehow made everything my fault... but it gets easier to block it out because I just so glad I’m not living that toxic life anymore... we all deserve so much better and to be loved so much more!!!xxx


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