Hey all,

I thought I would give an update, as there has been quite a few things of significance that have happened. The holidays were tough, emotionally, but everyone in our family and friend network has been supportive.   Everyone is in some form of their own shock, as many viewed us as a solid couple with an ideal relationship.  It’s definitely confusing for some people to process and they don’t know how to be supportive of both of us. I can see that some of our shared friends will over time begin to settle in on different sides. Just a natural process, I’m sure.

One of the things that we did over the holiday break was we went back to the place where we were married. We hadn’t been there since we had gotten married 18 years ago, and it was remarkable how familiar everything was.  It was as if we had just been there the day before. We spent about an hour talking about everything we loved about our time together, things we’ve learned along the way, things we regret, and how much we cherish that opportunity to have been together.  Then we stood at the same location that we had given our vows and each of us made new promises to love and care for each other as friends.  We gave each other our rings back. It was incredibly emotional, but in the days following it was clear to me how much I needed something like that. Our relationship was too important to just let slip away without some dignified form of closure. For those that have the opportunity to do something like this, I would highly recommend it.

Another significant step that I’ve gone through is my wife has moved out. She moved out on the first of the year.  I was feeling anxious about it, feeling like it was a little bit soon, but the sense of relief I felt when she left was confirmation that it was the right time.  Many of you have written about how it isn’t until you physically separate that you can start healing and building the foundation of your new life. I believe that wholeheartedly now, as it truly released the tension and the confusion of still being in the same space.

The latest and possibly the most difficult step I’ve taken is that I met up with the other woman. We met at a dive bar and talked for over an hour. I was able to confront her about the infidelity and say to her face that she betrayed our friendship, my marriage, and my family. That is a significant source of pain and hurt that I will be dealing with for a very long time, and having her acknowledge and apologize for how it all went down helps to alleviate some of that pain. She was able to speak to her own guilt and pain around what this has meant for me and our family. That was good to hear as my mind had painted her as the happy recipient of my wife’s love, without remorse.  Ultimately the purpose of meeting with her was to break the ice, acknowledge some truth about what happened, and make way for healing in my own heart. I will be seeing her now and again and this was a big step in reducing the awkwardness of the situation.

All these steps have been good for me.  There are ups and downs on this roller coaster ride, and each of these has led to an uptick.  I feel cautiously optimistic in these first days of the new year. I know that very tough times lay ahead as the dust settles and the weight of loneliness and loss bears down on me.  But I have my wonderful kids who I love so much and are taking it so well.  Just as I indicated in my first post on this thread, I have to believe that there is a better life for me down this road.

J

Rob,

We are not divorced. She came out to me in mid November, so we’ve been just focused on the kids and separating.  The children will be traded back and forth as her work schedule allows for now, and we’ll settle in to a routine that works. The divorce will come later as the dust settles and the financial situation comes into better focus.  We are working together at this point, so hopefully that stays in tact.

Hello Jaybird,

It has really moved me to read your story, honesty, conviction to do what is right for you, and in your terms, I feel I learn so much about myself and process by connecting with yours and others. I am at the beginning of my journey, and sometimes I can not even articulate well what it’s happening to me, or the feelings change so much that I am shy to share them and sound like a walking contradiction. It helps tremendously to read answers to questions I did not even know I also had, and have some of you describing so well things I can not yet verbalize. I can almost hear the past, present and future talking through all of the stories.
Thanks for the hope, for sharing, for being so brave.
A big virtual hug.

Going back to work, for the first time after my Xmas break, with ''no'' partner now... We did The Talk yesterday... None of us could sleep much last night though we cuddled some.

It is tough.
:-((
 

Last edited by SarahCleary (January 7, 2019 4:05 am)

Oh Jaybird, 

I'm glad you have gotten this far and you can do this...it is such a long process of letting go, but you are wise and seeing that there is nothing left to 'work' on.  Now you get to work on your healing and recovery.  Being alone is tough after a long marriage, but as OOHC said there are compensations.  I hope you find courage and comfort.  Sending virtual hugs...