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1 of 1- jb455263
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what to tell children
I need advice on what to tell my tween and teen about why our marriage is breaking up. My husband is bisexual and been cheating and we are headed for separation and divorce. While I want to co-parent amicably, I've read about being honest with children about why parents are separating. But it seems like a lot for kids to process. What have others done?
- phoenix
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Re: what to tell children
There are some basics to cover first.
1.) It's not your fault. No matter what the circumstance or age of the kids you need to reinforce this strongly. Tell them there is nothing they could have done to cause this and there is nothing they can do to change it. Make sure you tell them repeatedly.
2.) Your relationship without each parent remains unchanged. Both still love you completely. The parents relationship will be changing, but not their love for the kids.
3.) Tell them as much as you can figure out about housing and parenting time and arrangements. They will want to know where they are going to live, sleep, etc.. They want to know if they can keep their belongings and toys and bikes and other possessions. They want to know if they can keep their friends and stay in the same school. The more you can tell them about how their life will remain unchanged the better it will be for them.
4.) This is not their fault. (tell them again and again).
Now.. the hard part. What do you tell them about the cause of divorce.
My ex refused to tell them why. My kids asked over and over and I couldn't say because I didn't want to upset the truce we had going through the divorce proceedings. But as soon as it was over I told them everything (in appropriate terms for their ages). But I did tell them their mom cheated and lied and was leaving me to be with another married woman. It was important to me that they saw honesty and transparency and trust in me. My relationship is much stronger now because of it. They know they can trust me and believe me. I'm the rock in their life.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- walkbymyself
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Re: what to tell children
jb, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
You have to do what feels right for you, but my feeling is that your kids should be told the truth. With much younger children, the sexual issues might be harder to explain, but your kids are old enough to understand a lot. By being honest, you aren't running the risk that the truth will ultimately come out at the most difficult moment, in the most painful and humiliating way possible. You can control the timing and message.
From your post, it wasn't clear -- do your kids know you are divorcing yet? Some kids have no interest in hearing "why", while others are insistent on hearing everything. So in a way you have to follow their cues on that; my daughter is the kind of person who needs to cross-examine me on every last detail but again, that's an individual thing.
I think what I said was something like "I have some upsetting news. I've learned that Daddy is gay, and that he has been cheating on me for quite some time." At the time, I hadn't decided whether to get divorced, so I just told her I was thinking over my options and I wanted her to know that I wouldn't make any decisions without at least listening to her concerns and taking them into account. My daughter was slightly older than your kids -- she was 22 at the time. Her biggest concern off the top was that her father would do something to hurt himself, and she was frantically texting him and calling him to make sure he hadn't gone off the deep end. I did my best to reassure her that he wasn't in that state of mind, and after a while she started with the cross-examination over how did I know, how long had I known, etc. After a while, and after he'd responded to her texts that he loved her, she started to get angry about all the deception. She has limited her contact with him for several months now.
As I said, I think it's important to get the truth out before they learn from someone else, or discover things on their own. I learned in that conversation that my daughter had once noticed incoming texts on her father's phone that she didn't fully understand at the time, for example. Kids who don't have complete information tend to fill in the gaps in ways that can be destructive -- they interpret things to mean that they are not loved, or not trusted, or something like that. When you're being very quiet, they may assume you're angry with them.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: what to tell children
My children are all adults. I have a good r'ship with all 4 and found it easy to be frank and honest with 3 of them.
My oldest is not in the best place mentally & emotionally and I'm not sure when I'll broach the subject with him. He's in another country as well.
My opinion is that if you can't be honest and age-appropriately clear with what ultimately will affect your children
you set yourself up for problems in the future.
KIA KAHA